Back...

Cancer...back.
Blog...back by popular demand.

Scarlett's at peace...let's leave her here.

Not sure which direction this blog will go, but feel free to follow the journey.

http://a-greatday.blogspot.com/

Onward...

I had written my final blog entry over and over in my head. And then, last night I realized I have reflected enough over the last 9 months, and it's time to move on. If I meant what I said, when I tossed Scarlett over the Memorial Bridge yesterday, then I think that sums it all up. This blog has been an amazing communication tool for my family and friends, as well as a surprising healing tool for myself.

Starting today, I'm moving on, leaving cancer behind, and will live my life to the fullest. My life is filled with hope and love, not fear and despair. My husband and two children are the focus and priority of my life, for they give me every reason to live. Our familes and friends will continue to bring joy and happiness to our lives. And I pray that God continues to guide me along and protect this precious life.

It's been quite a journey. Time to open a new chapter of life -- hope, love, peace, happiness and good health -- mind-body-spirit.

Onward...

xoxo

The Amazing Race...

Over 260 donations. More than $25,000 raised. Seven remarkable women. Months of preparation. Hard work. Tons of fun. A few tears. Belly laughs.  Delicious food. Tasty wine. Crazy antics. Pouring rain. Two Days. More than 26.2 miles. An amazing finish. 

A weekend I'll never forget. 

Satchel and I kicked off the weekend with a fun Friday in the city. We managed to secure the two hotel rooms with a connecting door, which was essential! We people watched in the hotel and awaited the arrival of our team mates. Everyone arrived and we ventured off to a delicious pizza dinner. (And we also learned to never assume that cheese always tops a pizza!) After a few hours of giggles, prep and girl talk, we headed off to bed. 

The 4:50 am wake up call took us all by storm, but we managed to hop on the shuttle at 5:30 am, dressed and ready to walk the first 13.1 miles. The weather was perfect for walking. It was overcast and mild. The energy in the city was unbelievable, and there were so many people cheering us on as we made our way through DC. The six of us hit our 13.1 mile goal for the day, and Mimi decided to venture off for another 13.1. We were so proud of her. 

We headed off to the Wellness village, where we enjoyed chiropractic adjustments and massages. Ahhhhhh. We did it! We were ready to head back to the hotel, but the shuttle was not leaving for 1.5 hours. With this determined group of ladies, where there's a will, there's a way! So we walked our way up the street to the highway, and grabbed a cab to the metro! The cab driver was a good sport as six giggling, sweaty women piled in to his cab. As we ventured to the metro, an Amazing Race challenge transpired between Satchel, Lew, and Rose. I was astonished at their endurance after our long walk, and entertained by their antics. The next finish line was at the bar, where we all toasted our Day 1 victory with a cold beer!

Five hours later, Mimi joined us at the hotel. Aside from a few blisters and sore legs, she walked 26.2 miles that day. The seven of us ventured off to a lovely dinner filled with good conversation and delicious Italian food. After another evening of fun, we had lights out by 9:30 pm. 

As the 5 am wake-up call interrupted our sound sleep, we welcomed the morning, packed our bags, and prepared for Day 2. The weather was a little more challenging as it poured rain the entire day. There was not one complaint. Not one moment of hesitation. We laced up our shoes, donned our rain slickers, and headed to the Wellness Village. After a mess hall-style breakfast, we were off for the last 13.1 miles. 

Satchel led the way, and as we cruised along in the pouring rain, we kept up an impressive pace through the hills. In our final mile, the rain poured and we headed across the Memorial Bridge. Halfway across the bridge, with the Lincoln Memorial ahead and the Potomac River flowing below, Lew said, "Are you ready to leave Scarlett behind? How about right here?" With my best friends surrounding me, I took a pink ribbon, hung it over the edge of the bridge, and tossed it over. Since it took another try due to the wind, Lew handed me a quarter. I stood on the bench, in the pouring rain, thanked my girls for walking this journey with me, made a wish and threw that quarter in to the river. Good-bye cancer. We left you behind. It was quite an emotional moment. I knew my husband and mom would be proud. The harder it rained, the more I believed they were tears of joy falling from above.

As we approached the finish line, we took off our rain slickers, joined hands, and walked to the finish together as a team. And our families were at the finish line cheering us on. Part of me wanted to cry, but I managed to hold back the tears and gave huge hugs to my family and friends. I felt a tremendous feeling of closure. The finish line was not just a symbol of 26.2 miles. It was the starting point for my cancer-free life. And it was an amazing feeling of accomplishment, love, friendship, and peace. I was so proud of my team for raising over $25K. Our network has been so generous, and these donations will help other women who are facing the darkness of breast cancer. And help the movement to find a cure so that nobody has to hear those words or endure the treatment or face death. It felt great to give back to a good cause...one that has been close to my heart for years, but is now personal. 

SweetCheeks had dedicated a song to me on Friday morning -- that was dedicated and played on the radio! It was a moving song, and became my anthem for the weekend. So, tonight I share the lyrics with you. I have one final post to write, so stay tuned. But this chapter of my life is nearing the end. I will always remember this weekend I shared with six amazing women. Women who are pillars of strength for me and my family. And I'm reminded every day how precious life is, and how blessed I am. 

xoxo

I Run For You by Melissa Ethridge

(click here to watch her sing it...)

It's been years since they told her about it
The darkness her body possessed
And the scars are still there in the mirror
Everyday that she gets herself dressed
Though the pain is miles and miles behind her
And the fear is now a docile beast
If you ask her why she is still running
She'll tell you it makes her complete

[Chorus:]
I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother, your sister, your wife
I run for you and me, my friend
I run for life

It's a blur since they told me about it
How the darkness had taken its toll
And they cut into my skin and they cut into my body
But they will never get a piece of my soul
And now I'm still learning the lesson
To awake when I hear the call
And if you ask me why I am still running
I'll tell you I run for us all

And someday if they tell you about it
If the darkness knocks on your door
Remember her remember me
We will be running as we have before
Running for answers
Running for more

I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother, your sister, your wife
I run for you and me my friend

Walk the Walk...

It is dreary yet bright morning, and the house is still silent. These days, having a quiet moment to myself is a rare gift, so what better time to blog. Far be it from me to simply be still and do nothing! Life is full throttle busy again, but I'm consciously trying to find good balance to make my hectic life a blessing and not a curse.

For the past seven years, my family has participated in the Susan G. Koman Race for the Cure, walking in remembrance of Satchel's amazing mother in-law who lost her battle to breast cancer. And as I walked with her husband last June, I had an overwhelming feeling that day. As I grabbed his arm and walked along his side, and I found myself drawn to all of the survivors donned in pink. At that point I was so obsessed with the undiagnosed lump in my breast. It was just weeks later I returned to the doctor and finally received the diagnosis myself. And I was not surprised because I felt as though God had prepared my heart.

During treatment, a couple of my friends reached out to me and said, "I want to do the Avon Walk for you in the spring." And to be honest, I didn't think much of it. While I enjoy an active lifestyle, aside from Race for the Cure, I've never participated in a race/walk/run. In December as I finished up chemo, I started thinking more and more about participating in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. Walking 26.2+ miles over two days seemed like a giant task after everything I had been through, but I knew it was something some of my best friends wanted to do, and it seemed like a good goal, and a good opportunity to do something to help the cause...which has been close to my heart but is now very personal. I sent an email to six of my friends, and within minutes, and without hesitation, the "I'm in" replies started flowing in. Let's do it!

The women who make up my team are no strangers to this blog; they have been by my side every step of the way on this journey. Satchel, Rose, Lew, C, SweetCheeks and Mimi have been by my side for the last 9-28 years of my life as my childhood friends, college comrades, co-workers, bridesmaids, God parents to my children, next door neighbors and all-around amazing friends.

Together, we have received over 250 donations, raising over $24K for the Avon Foundation. I am so blessed to have these women, who are like my sisters, in my life. And the extended network of love and support we have received has been unreal.

We had custom shirts designed, and on the back of the shirt has over 50 names of women connected by the pink ribbon. I'm walking for all of my Bosom Buddies, and hoping that some day nobody will have to hear those words, or endure the treatments...or lose their life in the battle. It will no doubt be an emotional weekend.

Many thanks to all of you who have supported us. And thanks to my team for all of your hard work, and commitment to training and fund raising while managing busy lives.

Rain or shine, this will be a weekend we'll never forget!

Girl Talk...

A few days passed, and suddenly it occurred to me that I had not worn my wig in days. It was by no great decision, other than life was busy, I was working from home, and it simply fell out of my routine. I suppose if I looked in a mirror from time to time, I would have been more conscious of it. However, mirrors are things I seem to avoid these days. I took the kids over to Rose's for a pizza play date that Friday evening, and brought my wig along. When I arrived, she said, as an honest friend would, "Why on earth are you wearing that thing anymore? You look much better without it." Really? Oh, but no, I'm not ready to have this micro pixie haircut be the new me. Needless to say, I left the wig in the car, and off we went to dinner with the six kids without another thought about hair.

The next morning I was off to the mall. Destination: Nordstrom, in search of the perfect PJs for my mother-in-law's birthday. As I browsed through the beautiful PJs on the third floor, I suddenly realized I was surrounded by bras. Hmmm...those were something that I had not really thought of much about or used for the last 8 months. It was an Oprah moment when I asked the lady helping me, "Can you measure me?" And before I knew it we were heading for the dressing room. OMG. What have I just gotten myself in to? In a semi-frantic voice, I said, "You can probably guess from my hair that my girls do not look like they used to." In a sweet, unsurprised voice she said, "It's OK dear, I'm certified and I've seen it all."

My heart started to race as we entered the fitting room, and the large 3-way mirror made its presence known. "Face the mirror" she requested. "Oh, I'm sorry, I don't DO mirrors. Can I just face the wall?" In a gentle face, she looked at me and said, "You are very beautiful; you are ALIVE." As I stood there topless, she did her thing with the measuring tape, left on a mission, and returned with a handful of treasures. As I tried them on, I tried my best to control my quivering lip. And I suddenly realized why I had not worn one like this for months and months. My girls are beautiful in their own way, but just not "normal." And I know everyone is different, and there is no such thing as "normal" but it just felt different. None of them were fitting right, and I was growing more and more discouraged...until the fourth try. It was an a-ha moment as I found the perfect one...the perfect fit. She smiled and said, "You have to look in the mirror. This is perfect." And so I did. And even with the $60 price tag, I knew the feeling of the perfect fit was worth every penny. I hugged her, and thanked her for her kindness. I was feeling a little ambitious, so off I went, in search of some new products.

My husband's drug store mega gel was just not cutting it as my hair started to grow. My locks continue to grow in brown, thick, and straight. I found myself in Aveda, looking at products that were foreign to me, the former hair guru. Wax? Pomade? Gel? This beautiful, tall woman with short hair came up to me and offered her assistance. "What are you looking for?" and in a pitiful voice I replied, "I have no idea. I'm new to this whole short hair thing, and I need to style it and try to fancy it up." She then said, "Are you using a blow dryer?" All I could think of was, "OH NO you didn't just ask me that." I said, with a straight face, "My mom took my blow dryer away 8 months ago after I shaved off my long hair due to chemo." Wow. Did I say those words out loud? Did I really need to explain my story? Yikes. She was very helpful, and we agreed upon the gel wax. Again, keeping the tears at bay, I thanked her for her kindness and went on my way.

After a few more stops, I could not get out of the mall fast enough. And as I sat in my car, I called my husband. As soon as I heard his gentle voice, I started bawling. It's all part of the journey. But again, I'm healthy. I'm alive. And these were a few of the last to-dos I have on my list.

After some encouragement from my husband and a couple of my friends, an internal pep talk, a big fat glob of Aveda gel wax, a new headband, lots of make up, and sparkly dangling earrings, I decided to take my new look to the office. From the pre-school to Starbucks to the office, I was flooded with compliments. "Look at your sassy Spring haircut!" and "I love your hair! I wish I could pull off a haircut like that!" and "You look so chic! Maybe I'll finally get mine cut, too!" For a few people I knew well, who did not know the story, I dropped the bomb. They were in shock. "How is that possible? I have seen you almost daily and I never would have known you were undergoing chemo or wearing a wig." Really? In a strange way, I felt very proud of myself. If people I saw regularly didn't know I was in hell for 5 months, and in disguise in my wigs the last 8 months, then that's pretty impressive! I'm now practicing my "Oh, thank you" reply, but from time to time I feel inclined to tell the story. I'm not sure why I have to justify it. Some people enjoy wearing their hair like this. I laugh when people say, "I bet you'll keep it short, and never go back to long hair again." HA. Are you serious? I look forward to the day where I have a big round brush and a hair dryer with some hot rollers! :-) Bottom line is I'm working very hard to embrace the new me, and feel more beautiful than ever on the inside, most days. And again, I'm alive. And I'm enjoying every day as a precious gift.

My days are busy, and at times I feel like I'm drinking from a fire hose. But I'm enjoying work, the kids, my family and our friends tremendously, and life is filled with GREAT DAYS. We had a wonderful Spring Break and Easter, filled with great fellowship with the best of friends and our amazing families. My husband and the kids are better than ever and thriving more with each passing day. We are loving life in our home. And despite the grey clouds that roll in from time to time and send me in to a panic, I am assured that, too, shall pass.

I debated whether to publish this post. But then, I realized that this aftermath is such a part of my journey. And my plan is to leave Scarlett at the finish line of the Avon Walk, just a few weeks from now. Why stop being honest now? You have been with me this far. And, perhaps, someone will find this post as they frantically Google late at night in search of answers, and find comfort that they are not alone .

Here's a new favorite motto that I'll share with you tonight...

We tend to seek happiness, when happiness is actually a choice.
xoxo

In Like a Lion, Out Like a Lamb...

As we entered March, I was a woman who was trying to move past cancer, and find a new normal. And as much as I wanted to silence it, the loud roar of cancer still echoed in my ear...my heart...my soul.

I had a series of follow-up appointments. Breast cancer surgeon...check. Plastic surgeon...check. Oncologist...check. The good news is that there is no news! All of my appointments went well, and I don't have to return for six months. Really? Well that is music to my ears! And time really does heal. Finally, my mind is free to close this chapter and really start living my cancer-free life.

As I dive in to work, train for the Avon walk, volunteer at school, play with my family, and hang out with my friends, life is amazingly normal. I think about the "Big C" less and less, so much so that my Bosom Buddy was talking about last summer and I even asked her, "what was last summer?" We got a good laugh when my response was, "Oh, I forgot about the whole cancer thing last summer!"Now that is progress.

I made promises to my family and friends to keep my life free from drama and limit the stress, to the best of my ability, and that makes all the difference in the world. While the daily grind is exhausting, it's also invigorating. At the end of the day I feel accomplished and at peace...and thankful. And what didn't get done today will get done tomorrow...or the next day...or the next.

My hair is growing more and more each day. It is almost as long as my husband's! I laugh each time I borrow his gel and his post-shower coiffing technique. I long for the day to hold a big round brush in my hand, and vow not to complain that it takes me 30 minutes to blow dry my hair! But in the mean time, I will give thanks that my hair is growing in thick and fast. And my eyelashes are about halfway in, so soon enough that will another wonderful welcomed piece of me back. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I miss my long hair every single day.

The Avon 2-Day walk for Breast Cancer is a little over a month away. My intimate, awesome team of seven ladies has raised almost $17,000 for this important cause. Even with these tough economic times that face us, our friends and family have been so generous in their donations. I pray that the economy makes a turn for the better soon, since so many people we know and love have been affected. On days where I don't feel like working out, I think about this walk, and all of the people who have supported me, my team mates and the cause, and lace up my shoes. The timing couldn't be more perfect, really. It will no doubt be a weekend to remember with the best friends a girl could ask for.

As we near the end of March, my thoughts are filled with hunting for Easter eggs, blooming spring flowers, playing outside and rocking on the front porch with my husband. While I'm sure there will be days that will be less than perfect, I am doing better than ever. And as I lay my head on my pillow at night, may the only vision that runs through my head be the little lambs that hush me in to a peaceful slumber.

As we used to say to my Nana each time winter ended (boy, I sure do miss her)...

Happy Spring! Happy Everything!
xoxo

A New Normal...

With each passing day, I feel more like me and less like Scarlett. The last couple of weeks have been quite eventful, so I thought an update seemed appropriate for those of you who have stuck with me!

After my diagnosis, I felt like I was in the midst of a great hurricane. I gathered closely with those I love and found a safe haven to bunker down and weather the great storm. And by the grace of God, we all survived. In the New Year, there were days where I felt like I was amidst the rubble, and had a huge task of putting my life back together. I found myself craving normal, but was well aware that normal no longer existed, and was tasked with finding the new normal.

There have been days filled with blue skies and sunshine, and then, at the drop of a hat, the grey skies roll in and thunder and lightening loom. The emotional roller coaster can be incredibly draining, especially since it is tough to control. And that is especially difficult for a typically happy-go-lucky control freak! I found myself drawn to my Bosom Buddies, and finding comfort in their honesty and empathy. And I found comfort in hearing from my oncologist that many women face these challenges once treatment is over. 

There are times in your life where you need to hear what you WANT to hear, and times where you want to hear what you NEED to hear. The latter is where I have been. I don't need sugar coated comments like, "You look great." Rather, I need honesty like, "You need new wigs" or challenging encouragement with nutrition and exercise. I have been finding closure and mending fences, and that is very freeing. I found myself in moods beyond my control, and not being particularly pleasant to be around, especially to those closest to me. I was having my own little pity party, and quite frankly, was not enjoying it. That is just not ME! When I apologized to my husband for my bad moods, he gently asked, "Are you sure you aren't getting your period?" (That goes away for most women during chemo, and may or may not come back.) Well, sure enough, the next day he proved to be right! 

As miserable as the visit from the monthly menace was, it was wonderful to feel my body get back to normal. And suddenly, my moods swings stopped and I felt more normal than I had in ages. Welcome back, me!

My hair is growing back...still thick, still straight, still brown. I continue to wig out when I go out in public and to the office, just because I'm not ready to rock the micro pixie. However, I have been au natural at the gym, and that is freeing. I have been doing what I can to prepare for the Avon 2-Day Walk for Breast Cancer. My small team of my BFFs have raised an amazing amount of money for this cause, thanks to all of our amazing family and friends who have been so generous, and supportive to me and the cause, and that is so motivating to hit the gym. My plan is to leave Scarlett at the finish line.

Last week, I rubbed my eyes, only to find the last of my long eyelashes on my finger. It's strange that your eyelashes fall out after treatment. It did not bother me too much, because the three Bosom Buddies that I have seen recently have the most amazing eyelashes. Their eyelashes fell out as well, and came in longer, stronger and thicker after chemo. Now, mine are growing in, and it's kind of freaky to see little eyelash stubs growing in. Fascinating. You better believe I'll treat myself to a new tube of mascara once I am actually able to use it again! :-)

The other day, I looked in the mirror, and noticed that my barely-there, Shogun-esque eyebrows were actually looking thick and bushy. So today, I did something that I have not done since the day before chemo started nearly 7 months ago. An eyebrow wax. WOO HOO!!! Let me tell you how fun that was! I now have thick, perfectly shaped eyebrows. One step at a time I'm coming back to the new me from the inside out. Maybe someday soon I'll start looking in the mirror again.

So, long story short, the sun is shining again. I'm feeling better each day. My kids are amazing, my husband is my soul mate, my mom is my rock, and my family and friends continue to love me and challenge me each day. My body is springing back slowly but surely, and I'm learning to be gentle to myself. I choose to live life partly sunny versus partly cloudy. Glass half full versus glass half empty. Every day is an opportunity to make a difference. Or hug someone. Or tell someone how much you love them. Even on rough days, I continue to give thanks, and say out loud, "Today may be a challenge, but I'm alive, and that makes today a Great Day." I vow to never lose that perspective. And I will rejoice and be glad in it. 

Life is short...live well...love deeply...give thanks...enjoy...

xoxo