Chemo #4...Look Out CW!

"I wonder if Ikea will have dark brown baskets in the 14" size." The sky was dark, the room was chilly, and my mind was racing a million miles an hour with nonsense. As I was tossing and turning, my eyes opened and peeked at the clock. The time 4:30 am stared back at me. "You have got to be kidding me." I thought to myself. I was wide awake, so off to the family room I ventured so my husband could continue his solid slumber. 

A few hours later, after catching up on two episodes of Gossip Girl and one episode of Desperate Housewives, I was joined by my sweet Cookie who was ready to start her day with a snuggle! 

The day had arrived for Chemo #4! As I discussed the fact that I had treatment today with my two kids, I gave my six-year-old son, O, my pink rubber BC bracelet to carry in his backpack today. Minutes later, he came up to me and gave me his most prized pirate beaded necklace, as well as a purple necklace. "Here you go, Mommy. Wear these and think of me and Cookie today." So sweet!

After farewell hugs and kisses to my darling husband and kids, I got ready for another day at Cancer World (CW). As I got dressed, I put on all of the special beautiful jewelry I have received from my loved ones. Bracelets, necklaces, earrings, lipsticks. My sweet Satchel arrived bright and early...with plenty of time to make a Starbucks run! Look out CW...here we come! 

As I checked in, I requested the sweet corner window seat, but we were informed me that a young woman was here for her first treatment, and so it was only fair she got the coveted spot. Satchel and I were planted right in the middle of the infusion room. We greeted the familiar faces that we had seen three weeks before. And the laughs just went from there!

We were in many different conversations with people of all ages...and stages. The camera was snapping, and one of our chemo buddies decided to come join us for photo tips and clicks! Satchel performed her usual shuffle-tap-step dance, and there were plenty of laughs to go around! 

As we left the chemo infusion suite, we stopped by to chat with the new patient and her family. I think our smiles and energy offered her some comfort. We went to the fuzzy hat basket and brought her a fuzzy pink hat that matched her pink shirt. As I placed it on her head, she smiled, and her husband snapped a picture. I told her we'd see her in three weeks. Maybe we will sit near her next time. I told her that it was nice to see another young face. I mean not nice...but comforting to not be the only one. There are not many thirty-somethings in the chemo infusion room. It sucks to have cancer at any age, but to see someone going through something similar to you at such a young age makes you feel not so alone. I hope our smiles and pink fuzzy hat were a bright spot in her first day of a scary journey. And hopefully in a couple of months, the fear of the unknown will subside for her, and she'll be the one laughing and having fun at chemo!

I had no issues with my chemo cocktail, thankfully! In less than three hours from check-in, we were out of there. We had plenty of time to enjoy a delicious lunch with some good conversation before it was time for her to drop me off and head home to pick up her kiddos from the bus stop.

I have yet to nap...but all of my photos are organized! As I look through all of the photographs I have taken during this journey, I am simply amazed. Amazed at how far I have come. Amazed at all of the different looks I've had. And amazed to see how the fears and tears have transcended to true smiles and heartfelt moments. 

As promised, I will rest up and take it easy this week. And while I must be exhausted, I feel so elated that I have another chemo under my belt. And in 6 short weeks, chemo will be done. Four down, two to go!

Thanks, Satchel...for everything!

Cleansing...

Tying on the silky robe...laying back in the chair...feeling the warm water splash on your head...enjoying every minute as she massages the fragrant shampoo through your hair. Closing your eyes and relaxing as the conditioner does its magic to add a silky shine to your hair. And then after a good hair cut, feeling the warm air of the hair dryer...the gentle tug of the large round brush...the final spray. Leaving the salon with clean, styled, bouncy hair. Feeling relaxed and pampered. Finding a good destination to ensure a good blow dry does not go to waste.

*sigh*

It will be a while until I have a day of splendor like that again! I miss my hair. I miss buying fun hair products and spending time with the hair dryer...the big round brushes...the hot rollers...the styling products. In passing conversation I utter, "I hate this thing!" referring to my wig. But as I really think about it, I don't hate the wigs. I appreciate the wigs. I may hate the way they feel, but they provide the camouflage I need to make me feel like me. To make me look like me. Or at least similar. I was in the office the other day, and as I had conversations with my many co-workers who do not know about my situation, they were none the wiser that I had a wig on. And the more I wear the wigs, the better they feel. The better they fit. I'm learning how to style them and while they are nothing like the real thing, they offer a security that is much needed! I was telling my friends they are like a pair of shoes...the first time you wear them they are uncomfortable, but after a few wears, they fit to your body and feel more and more comfortable with each passing day. 

To be honest, I had not washed them yet. Ewwww. Finally this weekend I had some time, and took one of my wigs in to the bathroom. As I followed the instructions carefully, I was hoping for the best...hoping to not ruin the investment I made in these suckers. I chuckled out loud thinking about our friends Pooch and Schmoopie who used to recite the classic scene from the movie Billy Madison. "Shampoo is better. I go on first and clean the hair. No, conditioner is better, I leave the hair silky and smooth." (Click here to check it out!) After I had washed and conditioned the wig, it looked like a dead squirrel. "Oh no, look at this thing!" I thought to myself, but followed the instructions and left it all ratty and wet on the drying stand. You are not supposed to comb it or do anything to it until it dries completely. This afternoon, I was a little unsure but grabbed my clean wig and brushed it out. I have to say I am so impressed! It smells fresh and clean, and it is a bit shiny! As I put on my clean hair, I did not have the usual post-salon spring in my step, but it sure was a big improvement. So much so that as I sit here alone on the couch in the quiet house, I'm actually wearing it! And I just trimmed and shampooed the other wig. I feel accomplished. It's like a Barbie head for grown ups!

As I mentioned, this has been a great week. I was probably more social than I should have been, but I feel very caught up with my family and friends, and I feel energized and happy. As I try to keep my toe in the ocean at work, I am trying hard to not get sucked in to the undertow. I love my job, but I have to remember that for the next couple months, my health needs to come first. And come January hopefully it will be a nice fresh start all around. New year. Renewed health. Renewed focus. I have spent a lot of time, money, energy, and tears to start understanding the true meaning of life balance, and I have to do my best to not let stress get the best of me. Life is too short.

I have to give a shout out to one of my college BFFs, Mads, who lives in Colorado. She came in to town for a visit, so Rose and I met her and some of her family out last night. It was so great to catch up with her. We had a night full of belly laughs -- from bald heads and wig try-ons in the bathroom to freaking out the poor lady at the last night drive thru (Fun times even as the DD!). Fun with wigs! The way I look at it, if you have to wear a wig, you mine as well have some fun with it! So many of my friends and family have tried on my wigs. With the exception of Satchel, everyone looks kind of freaky! I guess wigs are a personal thing. I hope I'm not walking around looking like a witch!

Every day is another example of how lucky I am to have so many strong, loving people in my life. Even from across the miles, my family and friends continue to lift me up. This past week was very social, but this coming week I will hunker down and be a good patient. I have chemo #4 on Tuesday and will rest, rest, rest so I can have fun with my kids on Halloween this Friday. These are the years where the kids are at Halloween prime, and seeing the joy in their eyes first hand is my motivation to lay low, get some rest, eat healthy, and get well. The best part about my loved ones is they are with me when I need a good laugh, a companion, a hug, a vent, a cry...and they are with me in spirit when I need some time to myself...to be still and heal. Both are much needed and both provide me with such strength.

I am off to make a healthy, organic Sunday dinner to enjoy with my family. Here's to another week! Much love and thanks to you all!!!

Seasons...

Finally...a quiet moment alone. Me, my fuzzy blanket, my Mac, and a quiet house. It must be time for an update!

The last week has been a fun-filled whirlwind of NORMAL. Chemo #3 followed the exact same pattern as chemo #2. A few days of fatigue, a couple days of a big appetite, and a day of anxious bitchiness. Not bad! When I woke up last Tuesday, I resumed normal life with renewed strength, energy...and a big smile. 

As I briskly walked along the path to get some exercise, I enjoyed breathing in the crisp autumn air. As music filled my head, many thoughts danced around as usual. As I looked around at the leaves that are changing in to breathtaking colors of gold, red, and orange, I was reminded why Fall is my favorite season. And then I started thinking about the seasons. In the midst of Summer, my world was turned upside down. I was traumatized by the emotional news of my diagnosis, by the physical pain of my surgery, and by the mental fear of the unknown. As Fall arrived, I became more confident of my treatment plan and the effects of it all, and have found a true life balance that I have never known before. And the plan -- and prayer-- is by the time Winter arrives, this will all be a memory. A new season...a new year of hope and health awaits.  I have a new appreciation for the change of seasons.

This past week has been filled with fun with the kids, my husband, my family, and my friends. Friday evening I had a fun night out in the city with my girlfriends. We enjoyed great wine, delicious food, and wonderful conversation. It was a night filled with laughter and good times. Saturday we started the day as we have every other Saturday this Fall...soccer. The kids are all playing so well and having so much fun. Saturday evening, Nana took the kids on an adventure, and my husband and I ventured back in to the city with our friends, Doc and Ruby, for fun night of dinner and a stand-up comedy show at the Improv. I can not remember the last time I laughed out loud for two hours straight. Each joke was funnier than the last. I find myself chuckling to myself as I replay the night in my head. I will never look at a pop-open can of biscuits the same again. As we left we decided that we need to go on dates like this more often. 

It has been so great to have so much energy. We have had a lot of fun with the kids, and our house renovation project has been moving along splendidly. My mom and I had a lot of fun cooking Sunday dinner together (with Cookie!). It is life's simple pleasures that bring so much happiness. Trying new recipes...cooking with your mom on a Sunday evening...catching up on life. And Last night, Rose, JoJo (another HS friend) and I met out for dinner. (Yes, I know...I have been out a lot lately!) We had the best time. It was yet another night filled with belly laughs and good times with my crazy friends. 

They say laughter is the best medicine. I can say, first hand, that is true. The joy that my family and friends bring me is so much a part of the reason I am feeling so well. I just know it is. I am very relieved to see that days filled with tears, fears, and worries are being replaced with days filled with joy, happiness, laughter, and hope.  I am so blessed to be surrounded by my children...my husband...my mom...my family...my friends. Each day I receive hugs, emails, phone calls, cards, and gifts that warm my heart and lift my spirits. I have not been forgotten... and every day I am reminded that life is totally worth fighting for. And if my "fight" is filled with good times and belly laughs to help heal from the inside out, then I consider myself a very lucky lady.

Self Discovery...

On this crisp, chilly morning, the house was dark and quiet, and I snuggled under my fuzzy blanket pondering life (and surfing aimlessly on my iPhone!). I was well rested and everyone was still asleep. The thoughts in my head started dancing around, which is always a signal that I need to jot a few things down.

I feel blessed to report that I sailed through chemo #3. They say the effects of chemo are cumulative, however this round there were no traumatic mental hurdles to cross. And as I have mentioned before, I'd argue that the emotional health and healing on the road to recovery are far more taxing than the physical, for me anyway.

For the first round of chemo, I had a fear of the unknown. Will it hurt when they access the port? Will I feel really really sick? How will the symptoms affect me?

As for the second round of chemo, I had the darkness of the losing my precious locks lurking over me. And I had not remembered the rule of no salads or raw food following chemo. (oops!)

During both, I had also not mastered the thought of putting myself first. I was not clearing the calendar. I was not putting work on the back burner. I was not resting. I was not focusing on me. 

It's amazing how far I've come. How much I've learned. Not only about breast cancer, chemo, and, side effects...but also about the human mind. The human body. The human spirit. I truly believe that knowledge is power. And with each passing day I feel more and more empowered.

For a few days following chemo #3, I made a concerted effort to slow down. I was extremely fatigued, so I took naps. I ate a healthy, cooked, organic diet. I read. I had quiet time. I went to acupuncture. I spent great quality time with my husband and children. I did not stress out about work. I did not have a booked social calendar. And guess what? I feel great! Wow, I guess there really is something to this! I was starting to question whether my chemo was "strong enough" -- and then my husband quickly reminded me that I am in the care of a top oncology practice. It must be strong chemo--my hair fell out after all. Duly noted. I trust my doctors and will not question it. 

The one thing I find completely surprising is how normal life feels. Aside from the physical transformations that I have undergone, I find our day-to-day family life is very normal...better than ever. It is as though "The C Word" is not even apparent in our home. Our kids have not even mentioned my "boo boos" lately or would even know that I am "sick" -- they are even used to the bald head. Time seems to be healing us all!

I know that even though cells are dying in my body, each day I find renewed life. I find more happiness. I find more fulfillment. I have bigger smiles. I give bigger, tighter hugs. The little things in life are reasons to feel joy. I am discovering how much stress and exhaustion can be so destructive. And life is really too short to sweat the small stuff. These are all lessons we know, and tell ourselves often. But I'm finding that living these lessons is really unbelievable and freeing.

As I heal from the inside out, I am fulling understanding that I am the same person, with or without my hair. With or without the same outward appearance. I will say, however, that I miss my hair. I miss how I used to look. I appreciate the compliments like "I never would have known you were wearing a wig" or "You look beautiful bald" -- but as I look at pictures I've snapped recently, I can't help but think that I look like a woman in disguise. I catch a glimpse in the mirror or see a photo of me bald and can't believe that it's me! And even though this is all superficial, it's fair. I know this too shall pass, and one day I'll get to heat up my rollers and blow dry my hair. And I can promise you that I will never complain about a bad hair day again! 

The long story short...we are doing great. My family is stronger than ever. My friendships have reached depths that are indescribable. And my life is totally worth fighting for! I just feel fortunate that it does not feel like a fight. It feels like a journey so surreal and so uplifting. I have been guided and I have been blessed. Now let's be realistic...I look forward to December 9...my last chemo treatment. I look forward to having a cancer-free, clean bill of health. I can't wait to put "The Big C" behind me. I hope I can continue to live each day with a positive outlook, and not live in fear of the dark shadow making a return. But that's why I have faith. And I will continue to lean on my faith for comfort and guidance.

We are having a great weekend. Because I have taken time to rest and recover, we have been able to enjoy fun activities with family and friends this weekend. The weather is simply gorgeous, and it feels wonderful to enjoy the fresh air, sunshine, and scenery with those I love. Good times for sure.

On a side note, as I was surfing on my iPhone early this morning, I came across this You Tube clip. (I still can't decide which is more fun for aimless time wasting...Wikipedia or You Tube.) Regardless, I found this video of an Amazing Guitar Player. All I can say is WOW...you gotta check this out! 

Peace and love to you all!

Another Twist of Fate...

Greetings from the restful couch. I'm being a good patient today and taking it easy.

I have another interesting twist for you. Boy they just keep on comin', dont' they?

I had forwarded my mom the beautiful email from the lady I helped at the wig store (from the Pay it Forward post). My mom saw the name on the email and exclaimed, "I went to nursing school with her at WHC back in the late 60s. This has to be her." So, I emailed the lady back and sure enough, it was the same woman! In addition, my father and her husband were residents together as well! As if that isn't strange enough, she now lives next door to a retired OB/GYN who delivered me as well as Rose!

Not much to say except...WOW. The six degrees of separation keep coming...and the world gets smaller and smaller!

Chemo #3...Halfway done

Bright and early this morning, we were greeted by Satchel who came to pick me up for our morning date at Cancer World (CW). She had some good QT with my kiddos as my husband and I finished getting ready. Cookie really enjoyed Satchel's shuffe-tap-step dance at 7:45 am! After some hugs and kisses, my husband and the kids left for school, we headed to CW for an early morning chemo treatment.

We ran in to L and P...as I mentioned my new Bosom Buddie had a treatment at the same place, same time. Today was her last treatment, and I was glad to be able to experiece it with her. It took a little...shall we say...strong arming to have us sit next to eachother. Needless to say we all sat together and it was nice to have so many sweet sweet faces surround me. The accessed my port no problem...no pain. And I had no adverse reactions to the cocktail. It was a pretty "easy" day as far as a chemotherapy infusion goes!

Satchel and I had a great time together. After 3 hours of chit chatting, planning, leg massages, and of course the tradition of photos, videos, and fuzzy hats, we left CW. Chemo #3...check! I am at the halfway point -- only two months and 3 treatments to go. I can do this!

After a quick tour of our house and a fun lunch, she dropped me of and headed on her way home to greet her munchkins at the bus stop. I am so lucky to have such great chemo buddies. Both Satchel and Rose have been key to making "Fun at Chemo" a reality.

My mom and I had a great debrief on our days, and I headed out to pick up my kids. It was great to see their smiling faces. As O came off the bus, he pulled out the pink ribbon bracelet (a la LiveStrong) and said, as he handed it to me, "Here you go Mommy. I kept this in my backpack and thought of you all day."

My mom took the kids to the park and I nestled on the couch for a great nap. They came home and greeted me with gentle pets and kisses, and we snuggled on the couch for some bedtime stories. Talk about the best medicine. I'm off to snuggle up with my husband and get some much needed rest. I know many of you are checking in on me tonight, and rest assured, I'm doing fine! I promise to take it easy this week, and vow to continue to focus on healing from the inside out.

Thank you for all of your love, prayers, friendship, and support. I am blessed beyond belief and give thanks for all that you are each and every day.

Be happy and healthy!

Pay It Forward...

When will the stories end?! With each passing day on Scarlett's Journey, there is another episode that leaves me filled with pure strength and inspiration. And so I share...

This Monday started like many others. First, the bus stop, then the preschool drop off. I made a quick stop off to visit my favorite plastic surgeon to get my "girls" pumped up. On a side note, the girls are looking great! It's quite surreal to get the five minute boob job every three weeks! Come early February, I will be able to get my permanent implants. But for now, we'll just watch them get bigger and perkier! TMI? Perhaps! It is what it is. And it's fascinating. 

I had some work to do, and I was looking forward to a quiet day getting caught up before chemo #3 tomorrow. On my way home, I got the impulsive urge to drive the extra mile (literally) and pop in to the wig boutique. I wanted to revisit the short bob wig I had tried on two months ago. I thought it might be fun to have a short doo to mix things up.

I had a nice lady help me select a few and try them on. Not so cute. I told her how weepy I was just a couple months ago when I first visited there, and now it was no big deal. As I was sitting in the chair, I saw a frightened woman in her late 60s talking with her 38-year-old daughter, who was trying her best to be strong for her mother, although it was apparent that she was struggling as well. Talk about deja vu. I heard the daughter say to her mom in a quiet, desperate voice, "Mama, I forgot my camera. I think I have one on my phone but I can't figure it out." Before I knew it, I turned around and said, "I have a camera in my phone and if you would like, I would be happy to take any photo you need and email it to you." (Have I mentioned lately how much I adore my iPhone?)

They instantly embraced my offer and I could see in their eyes that they were receptive to my assistance. The mom was recently diagnosed with lung cancer, and she had started chemo a week earlier. The melancholy look in her eyes was so familiar, because that was the look on my face when my mom, Satchel, and I visited the wig boutique for the first time two months ago. And because I had walked in her shoes, I knew what she needed. It was time for a pep talk.

"OK, here's the deal." I explained as I ripped off the short hair wig, revealing my bald head. "I am not going to sugar coat this. Cancer sucks. Losing your hair sucks. It is hard. But you have two choices. You can let it control you, or you can have faith, dig deep, and find the strength inside to face it head on." She explained that her daughter had dragged her there today, against her every attempt to avoid the dreaded wig shopping. Sound familiar? She was only coming to window shop and had no intention of making a purchase. "Listen, you have come a long way today. You can face this. I can help you if you want. I will help you get through this." I encouraged. "Really?!" her and her daughter said in tandem. "You were sent here for us." they said.

I looked at the lady who was helping me and said, "They need you more than I do. Let's go help her through this." I directed them over to the swivel chair, and told her that she did not have to look right away; she could focus on me and my bald head while the lady did her job of prepping her head for the wigs. I showed her pictures of O and Cookie and she told me stories of her grandchildren who were the same age. She shared her fears about what they would think, and I shared some wonderful, proven advice that my friend Flaps shared with me at the beginning of my journey. She said, "You already have me feeling so much better." As I looked at her straight in the eyes, bald head and all, I replied, "You can do this."

The first wig she tried on did not look good or natural, so we did not even turn her around to see it. I pointed to a wig on a stand around the corner. "Try this one on...I think it might be perfect for you." I encouraged. As the lady put the wig on her, it was a perfect fit. A perfect look. Her daughter and I got huge smiles on our face, and said, "That's the one!" I snapped some pictures with my iPhone at all angles and sent the photos via email to them.  "OK, are you ready?" I asked. I then showed her the photo first and said, "See, look how beautiful you look!" She smiled and was pleasantly surprised. I said, "OK I think you are ready!" and I swiveled her around for her big reveal. (Can you tell I used to watch The Swan?!) She did not shed a tear, rather she had a sense of calm about her. She saw herself, and suddenly a day of terror turned in to a day of productivity. A day of peace. Her and her daughter's eyes welled up as they thanked me over and over. 

She was delighted with her new wig, albeit still scared about the prospect of losing her hair. I shared them lessons I learned from L and also first hand about shaving your head before the hair falls out. Take control...do it on your terms. I also suggested she get her head shaved there at the boutique, versus entrusting her son to hold the clippers at home. I also suggested that she allow herself to indulge on whatever her comfort splurge was. For her, it was a gin and tonic or a bag of chips. Go for it!

As she checked out, her daughter and I started talking. Turns out, she is a psychotherapist and a yoga instructor. We started talking about organics and holistic healing, and she shared cooking tips on certain veggies I have no experience with yet, such as kale. She also promised to get her mammogram now, and not wait until she turns 40. 

An hour later, my work was done, and I said my farewells to them. They offered warm bear hugs as their eyes welled up with pure gratitude. As I headed home I pondered the fact that I did not have an hour to spare on this Monday before chemo, yet some things are more important. I had a feeling of joy in my heart knowing that I helped her and her daughter get through a most traumatic day. I know first hand how it amazing it feels to be helped in your darkest times of need. And I know this is not a journey one can go on alone.

What an amazing day. Today, I went from student to teacher. From frightened to peaceful. From ignorant to informed. From insecure to confident. From novice to experienced. From comforted to comforter. Back on the day I met L, she said, "Don't worry, you will pay it forward some day." I have used that expression for many years, but honestly did not know the origin. So, I went to my favorite online information source, Wikipedia. For my inspiration tonight, I leave you with this...and ask you to pay it forward some day, some how, some way. That is a life lesson that applies to all of us. And let me tell you, it sure does feel good to do so.

Pay it Forward...

"The concept was described by Benjamin Franklin, in a letter to Benjamin Webb dated April 22, 1784.

I do not pretend to give such a Sum; I only lend it to you. When you [...] meet with another honest Man in similar Distress, you must pay me by lending this Sum to him; enjoining him to discharge the Debt by a like operation, when he shall be able, and shall meet with another opportunity. I hope it may thus go thro' many hands, before it meets with a Knave that will stop its Progress. This is a trick of mine for doing a deal of good with a little money."

Pray for me, think of me, and/or send positive vibes my way tomorrow as Satchel and I head to CW for chemo #3. 

Edited to add: Shortly after I published this post, I received a truly heartfelt, beautiful email from the lady I met at the wig boutique today. Her words brought me to tears. It was comforting to know that what I experienced today was exactly how I described. In her words, "I can't tell you how much you helped me and my daughter today. We have decided you were truly an angel sent from heaven. Your youth, vitality, and reality shook me up which I needed..." and them some. Wow. This is all so divine. 

A Very Happy Birthday...

We had a great weekend! We are all feeling healthy and well, the weather was perfect, and we spent good quality family time between errands, soccer games, and fun birthday parties. That's what it's all about these days. Fun times!

Six years ago today was one of the best days of my life...it was the day I became a mother. And today, we celebrated my son's sixth birthday with his friends (and their parents who are our friends!) at good ol' Chuck E. Cheese. A good time was had by all, and the smile on O's face all day long was priceless. It was all things Star Wars, along with games, tickets, and a little Chuck E. shuffle and show with the large party mouse. Classic.

I am so glad that he will look back on his sixth birthday with such happy memories! I can't wait to play Battleship and light sabers with him, and read his new books...and I will leave the puzzles, Legos, and movies to Daddy! If only there was singing in Star Wars, perhaps I'd actually watch it.

Have a happy week! :-)

Part of a Whole...

This week I headed back to work. Thankfully I am able to work from home, so I did not have to stress about wigs and such. To be honest, I was looking forward to diving back in for a week before chemo starts back up next Tuesday. My energy is high, my spirits are lifted, and I am feeling great. Once again I find myself with new stories. Although I find myself wondering...share or don't share? Please read on with an open mind. For those of you who know me know that I am a pretty normal lady. I am not a tree hugger (yet!). I am not an evangelist. I am not a wack-o. I am just a woman living in suburbia, learning more and more each day through this journey I did not sign up for. 

When I was first diagnosed with breast cancer, as I was working out my treatment plan with my medical doctors, I knew I would incorporate holisitic medicine in to an integrated treatment plan. To be honest, I did not know much about it, but I knew enough that it was worth a try. After all, I will do anything I can to strive towards optimal health, and do what I can to prevent cancer from ever coming back. All of my MDs approved of this plan, and even provided referrals of practitioners. Now that I am knee deep in the midst of this, I find myself in awe of it all. In awe of the power of prayer. In awe of God's love. In awe of modern medicine. In awe of the human body. In awe of holisitic healing. In awe of the power of the mind. In awe of the power of the spirit. 

I have to admit that for the last 24 hours, I have struggled whether or not to write this entry, and whether or not to post it. I am finding that the emotional healing in this journey is so deep. So personal. And to think it took me forever to click the "Publish Post" button when I wrote of my bilateral mastectomy. That pales in comparison to some of these other stories I have to share. But as I have pondered this, I have realized how powerful a healing tool writing has been for me. The more the thoughts swirl in my head, the stronger my need is to write it all down. I feel that it is cathartic to organize my spinning thoughts...and once the words are written, I find peace. And as I look back and read what I have written in the past, I often times find it hard to believe that I wrote those words. I find it surreal that I have been living through these experiences.

As I have been exploring holistic medicine, I have learned a tremendous amount. I am still not sure what to believe, rather I am taking each day and each experience as a new piece of knowledge, and knowledge is power. I have realized is that this is not treating cancer, per se. It's healing the human body. I have learned valuable lessons that anyone could use to achieve optimal health. Optimal balance. The nutritionist that I have met with provided me with a great description of holisitic medicine that I feel is worth sharing. The following is an excerpt.

"Holistic medicine means treating the "whole" person, not just the physical body. It assumes the value of self-healing, demands a partnership between doctor/practitioner and patient, and recognizes the need to examine all aspects of an individuals life. The five components of a holistic treatment plan speak to the understanding that the body is a self-cleansing, self-healing organism.

1. The psychological aspects of mental-emotional wellness and balance, a positive attitude, and an understanding of life purpose
2. Detoxification
3. Nutrition, diet, and supplementation
4. Removal of energy blockages throughout the nervous system (including acupuncture)
5. An optimally functioning immune system"

Yesterday, I had my second acupuncture session. We thought it would be a good idea to try a session the week before chemo to clear any blockages and help with my points. As I greeted my acupuncturist, whom I adore, we chatted and laughed. "Your pulse is great!" she informed me, almost seeming surprised. "I feel really good!" I reported gleefully. As I lay on the table, she put on a classical music CD. As she strategically placed the pins in different parts of my body, we were chatting. She mentioned this CD was beautiful music but also had subliminal components. As she put the eye pillow over my eyes, we continued to chat, and then the talking ceased as I was tasked to lay there and do...not sure what...anything but talk? For me, that is a challenge. Very rarely do I sit still. Very rarely do I free my mind. Today was no different...at first anyway. As the classical music filled the silent room, my mind was racing as it usually does. Thinking about what I had to do later in the day. Making mental notes. And then, I reminded myself to stop thinking and be still. 

I found myself drifting in to a twilight, just shy of a slumber. Minutes later, it was as though a crystal ball appeared. I was watching my son, O, and me at one of his sporting events...yet he was all grown up. He was high school/college age, and we were there together. I was fascinated to see what he looked like all grown up as the vision was so clear. Then, before I knew it, I was looking at my Cookie and me, standing in front of a full length mirror. She was in a wedding dress, and I was standing there with her fixing her hair and accessories. It was not as though I was looking down AT them...I was there WITH them. All of a sudden, I felt the strangest tsunami of emotion...it started at my toes and came up through my entire body. My lips started to tremble and my eyes started to well up. It was as though the pins in my body were holes in a dam. I quickly removed the eye pillow and started sobbing. Weeping uncontrollably. I exclaimed in complete shock, "I can't stop crying!" She rushed to my side and placed her warm hands on to my trembling arm and said, "You are safe here. Release it." As I wept, I said, "These are not tears of sorrow. These are not tears of fear. These are tears of joy, because I know now that I am going to be OK." I wept for a few minutes and tried to collect myself. To be honest, I have never experienced anything like this. If you are reading this and thinking I've totally lost it, I completely understand. For I can not explain what happened...I can only document it. As the session ended, the conversation was as it was thirty minutes before -- full of laughter and hugs. "What did you do to me?" I questioned. "Are you a wizard?!"  She just smiled and said that I experienced an emotional release. I reached emotions that were locked deep down in my core that I was unable to reach by myself.

Later that evening my mom and I pondered what occurred earlier that day. I was very drained by all of this. For someone who is as controlled as I am...freeing myself up like this was surreal. Yet I had such a peace. I am feeling and healing so much right now, and I give all the glory to God. He has guided me along this journey every step of the way. 

My mom reminded me of the verse "Be still and know that I am God." (Psalm 46:10) I am learning to "be still" more and more each day.