A New Beginning...

Nearly seven months ago, I treated myself to a pedicure in anticipation of a big event. As luck would have it, I picked the perfect nail color with a fabulous name....Peru-B-Ruby. The big event was the bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction surgery I had the next day. As they wheeled me down the hall to the OR, the anesthesia kicked in, and in my nervous, loopy state, I engaged in small talk with my doctors about my pretty toes, and how delighted I was with Peru-B-Ruby. Little did I know that would be my last pedicure for many many months. I had no idea that pedicures were a no-no during chemo. Boy, chemo really took so much away, especially the little pleasures in life like a good blow dry and a pedicure!

Flash forward seven months. Two breast surgeries, two procedures for my port (placement and removal), six chemo sessions, and countless blood draws. Not one runny nose. Not one delay. The project manager in me feels proud that my team executed this project on time, with no delays! Cancer-free. Phew!

It's hard to believe, really. I am still the same person, yet I've changed tremendously on this journey, both on the inside and on the outside. Some days it all seems like a dream, and some days I look at the many scars that now adorn my body and find myself amazed at all that my body has endured. All that my heart has experienced. And all that my soul has embraced. My faith in God guided me through it all. It's as though He placed a protective bubble around me and my family, and guided us all along the way. 

I am recovering very well from my implant exchange surgery. The silicone implants are so soft and natural looking, unlike the rock hard expander implants I have had for the last six months. I am not sure exactly what I expected, but I have not had a lot of pain or discomfort. I am very pleased with the results, and feel so blessed and grateful with it all. The best part of this all? I'm DONE! I am feeling at peace -- mind, body, and soul. In so many ways, I feel whole again. "Normal life" has resumed, with a twist. I have such an appreciation for every day I wake up. Even the frustrating moments with my kids are cherished. My marriage is rock solid. My family has redefined the word close. My friendships have grown to new heights I never thought imaginable. And broken fences are mending. I love life, and I will continue to do all I can to ensure I am a 40+ year survivor.

Some of my dear Bosom Buddies that I have met along the way have encountered some complications, and my heart goes out to them. I have been praying so hard, and I have full faith that their bodies will heal, and that their talented plastic surgeons will work their magic and someday soon they will have great results as well.

I saw Rose's mom a few nights ago. I said, "How are you, Boppa?" and she replied, with her gentle Alabama twang, "Well, darlin', how do I look?" I said, with a smile, "You look fantastic!" and she said, "Well, that is how I feel!" With a sigh, I said, "That doesn't work for me. I feel great but am not looking that great!" And she said, "Darlin', you look AMAZING, because you are ALIVE!" Enough said. Amen.

It is motivating when you are not alone in your efforts. It seems everyone in my life is on a good health lifestyle change...not just a kick. My husband, my BFFs, my neighbors, my co-workers, my pre-school mom friends...everyone seems to be working out a ton and eating well. I am not allowed to work out for 3 more weeks, but I spoke with my plastic surgeon about walking and doing the bike at the gym, which she agreed to. So, I've hit the gym and am trying my best to get back in to shape. Not just for looks, but for life. For one, I'm training for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in May. And, more importantly, studies show that regular exercise and a healthy, organic diet are key elements that reduce recurrence. With that, I'm doing my best to get healthy. And, it feels great.I had a ball cooking a healthy, organic Sunday family dinner last night, and tonight, I'll be whipping up some organic, vegetarian chili. Yum!

My hair is growing, and it continues to come in thick, brown, and straight. Although, several of my Bosom Buddies have warned me that the curls will come! We'll have to see what happens...I'll keep you posted. I still wig out, but now when I hit the gym, I just wear a bandana. That is a huge step for me, but it gets easier and easier every day. I wear my pink silicone breast cancer bracelet when I exercise. For inspiration, yes, but also as a way to answer the questions that wondering onlookers have dancing around in their heads when they see a young woman with super short hair in a bandana.  

The other day I found a gift certificate for a pedicure that my girlfriends gave me after I was diagnosed. Chemo destroyed my nails and I was in need of some TLC. When I arrived at the day spa, I stared at the wall of hundreds of nail polish bottles, with many shades of reds and pinks. I grabbed a color and looked at the bottom of the bottle. Peru-B-Ruby. I smiled, chuckled out loud, and handed the bottle to the lady. Look no further. The more things change, the more they stay the same!

xoxo

Nip/Tuck...

The fog of anesthesia is lifting, and the fanny pack with the pain pump is working. I am home from surgery and snuggled safe and sound in my bed.

Today at Inova Fairfax Hospital, my amazing plastic surgeon performed my implant replacement surgery. The expander implants were rock hard and growing heavy, but they did a great job stretching the skin and preparing my body for my permanent implants. I had silicone implants placed -- it's what they recommend now, and they are safe, not to mention soft and natural looking (from what I hear anyway!)

The staff at the hospital was amazing every step of the way. It is very obvious they have a focus on excellent patient care. My plastic surgeon greeted me with a smile and marked me all up. As I kissed my mom and husband good-bye, they wheeled me to the OR.  The rest is a blur, and two hours later I woke up in recovery with my husband by my side, and a smile of relief on his face. I was pretty nauseated but that subsided pretty quickly, and after some apple juice and a few crackers I was fine. Just very very tired. The best news is that I do not have any drains! Yippeeee! That was the worst memory from my first surgery and there was a small chance I'd have to have drains. But I don't, and that makes me happy beyond belief!

My mom and mother-in-law left the hospital to get the children from school, play with them, and make them dinner. And I was able to come home, crawl straight in to bed, and take a power nap. We are so fortunate to have family in the area to take care of us all. My mom is going to stay with us for a few days to help my husband out. The kids are beyond excited that Nana will have a slumber party with them!

Thank you all for your prayers, calls, emails and texts today. They put me at ease, and now I am happy to follow orders and heal from this. And I feel so relieved that this surgery is over, and hopefully can now fully enjoy my cancer-free life with no major medical procedure hanging over my head.

I can't wait to see how "the girls" turned out. Right now I'm all bandaged up, but my plastic surgeon seemed pleased. I need to heal for a few months before they can do the final nipple reconstruction and tattoo, so I dont' have to worry about that any time soon. I have taken the next two weeks off of work, and plan to rest up, watch some movies, and get caught up on some much-neglected Shutterfly.

I'm off to rest. Pain meds  and blogging aren't the best combination! But I thought this might ease your minds that all went well, and it was another Great Day.

xoxo

It's a Tunnel, Not a Well...

I slipped on my workout clothes, tied up my Nike's, grabbed my iPod, put on my sunglasses, and tossed my hat wig on. I was heading out for my long Sunday training walk, this time solo. My husband said, "Why bother? Take that thing off and wear a doo rag." What? Leave the house without a wig? I have only done that once since I shaved my head six months ago. But, it was one step closer to embracing my reality. As I tied on my bandana and threw on my glasses, out the door I went for my 7+ mile march.  As the sun warmed my body, the music touched my soul, and my mind started racing. The W&OD trail was busy that day and I found myself people watching as I walked along. It was very freeing to leave the hat wig behind...for so many reasons! 

My Skin Deep post hit a chord with many of my loved ones. I have learned that true love is not just telling people what they want to hear...rather it's telling people what they need to hear in a gentle, honest way. True love is not patronizing, pretending everything is OK when clearly it's not...rather it's encouraging saying it's OK to feel this way, but this too shall pass, and you are doing great. It's the gentle reminder to be kind to myself, and that time has a way of healing. It's a big hug, when you just need to be held, without a word being spoken.

Today, I went to acupuncture. For me, that hour session offers such healing to mind, body, and soul. The first fifteen minutes I shared with her my recent anxiety, and she was so kind and so encouraging. She said, "Right now, you are in a tunnel, not a well. If you see darkness, soon you will see light as you pass through this phase. You are not trapped in the bottom of a well with no hope of getting out. Soon, very soon, you will pass through the tunnel of darkness and your future will be there, waiting for you." She is such an amazing woman, and has seen me at my darkest hour and on my happiest day. And her words and her touch are so healing and powerful. And I know her prayers for me will be heard. 

As I head in to surgery tomorrow, I have tremendous peace of mind, body and soul. I count my blessings each day, and with each day I grow more and more grateful for the abundance of love that surrounds me. My husband--the love of my life. My two healthy, wonderful children. My close, loving family. My amazing circle of friends. My coworkers. I am fortunate to have a home and a job. And I'm proud of my body for being so resilient and strong. But the biggest blessing of all is that I am alive, and appreciate that gift every day.

It's amazing how calm and happy I feel today. I really do see the bright light at the end of the tunnel. And as my dear friend Coop always says, "The light at the end of the tunnel is not a train...it's your future."

Thank to you my loved ones for being there for me, especially lately. You know who you are! I'll keep you posted after my surgery. Say a prayer for me, please! We're almost done! A wonderful new life awaits...

xoxo

Skin deep...

It's nearly 9am on a Sunday morning, and I find myself alone in a quiet room, comfy as can be in my bed. With my husband at the store buying ingredients for a Superbowl dip, and my kids playing quietly downstairs, it is the perfect time for an update.

Life has returned to normal--which is a hectic day-to-day life filled with school, work, sports, play dates, and early bedtimes! In the midst of the chaos, I find that I am still a bit unsettled. Perhaps it's my upcoming surgery. Perhaps everything that happened in the last six months is finally setting in. I pulled up to my mom's house the other day...a house that I lived in for five months during my battle with cancer. As I walked in her house and greeted her with a hug, I told her I can't really remember living there. I find that my mind is blocking out a lot of the details of those five months. I went back to re-read some of my earlier posts and found myself amazed at what I read. I even shed a few tears. I felt as though I was reading a story about someone else. Perhaps that is how I got through it all with such strength. Perhaps writing a "story about someone going through cancer treatments" was easier than facing the fact that it was me going through it all. The mind is so fascinating.

This Thursday, I will head to the hospital for my implant replacement surgery. For the last six months, my plastic surgeon has been filling my expander implants with saline to stretch the skin. It's pretty amazing that you can choose your new boob size. "Shall we pump one more time?" she asked. "I don't want them too big." I explained. "You are the professional, you tell me what you think is right!"  I think most women secretly fantasize about what nip/tuck procedure they would have, even if they would never actually go through with it. For me, breast augmentation was never one of them. And I certainly never imagined that at 36 I'd get a new set of "girls" after battling breast cancer. But I feel blessed that I have been in the hands of some very talented surgeons, and the result so far has been amazing. And not having to wear a bra is quite the perk. (ha) Life is funny that way. 

Many women are very traumatized after a bilateral mastectomy. But in the grand scheme of it all, this has been the least of my trauma. Perhaps that is because I was blessed with no complications and a good outcome. For me, the worst part of it all has been the hair loss. For the last 3.5 weeks, my hair has started growing back. Many people told me it would grow back black and curly...a chemo afro I was told. Fortunately, it is growing back as was...thick, medium brown, and straight. As my big brother lovingly told me, I look like a baby gorilla. My 3 year old daughter was so excited the other night, and said, "Mommy, you have hair! Let me go get the hairbrush." It was a little painful as she brushed my fuzz, but it was so cute that she noticed my hair. And the other day, I looked down and exclaimed to my husband, "Do you see this?! I have leg hair! I need to go get a new razor!" It has been nearly six months since I have needed shampoo or a razor. The divine smell of shampoo and the gift of a new razor was the making of one of the most memorable showers I've ever had! TMI? Too bad!

To my surprise, there is significant anxiety associated with my hair coming back in. In a short time, I will be ditching the wigs and will have short hair. For most of my life I've had long hair, and I am still having a hard time getting used to the idea of the micro pixie as my doo. The day I lose the wigs, people who have been with me through my battle will say, "Wow! Look at how much your hair has grown!" People who do not know about my cancer will say, "Wow! You cut your hair!" How do I react to that? With a kind "Thank you." Or will I reveal the real reason? I guess I'll have to wait and see. Why do I care? Breast cancer was not my fault. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. Yet for some reason, I find it hard to share with some people. Silly, really. But it is what it is. And I am more than a hair cut, I have to remember that. I feel more beautiful than ever on the inside, and I am alive.

My husband said it well..."I'd rather have you here, healthy, and alive with short hair than not here at all." Perspective. Have I mentioned lately that I married the most amazing man? It's been almost 18 years since we met...and each day the love grows stronger.

I think dealing with surface issues like hair and weight are a way of dealing with things on the outside, which are a lot less severe than the fears that still lie deep within that I only think about in my sleep. But as each day passes, I know in my heart that I will be a 40 year survivor. 

So, please say a little prayer for me that all will go well on Thursday. I will keep you posted!

xoxo