Back...

Cancer...back.
Blog...back by popular demand.

Scarlett's at peace...let's leave her here.

Not sure which direction this blog will go, but feel free to follow the journey.

http://a-greatday.blogspot.com/

Onward...

I had written my final blog entry over and over in my head. And then, last night I realized I have reflected enough over the last 9 months, and it's time to move on. If I meant what I said, when I tossed Scarlett over the Memorial Bridge yesterday, then I think that sums it all up. This blog has been an amazing communication tool for my family and friends, as well as a surprising healing tool for myself.

Starting today, I'm moving on, leaving cancer behind, and will live my life to the fullest. My life is filled with hope and love, not fear and despair. My husband and two children are the focus and priority of my life, for they give me every reason to live. Our familes and friends will continue to bring joy and happiness to our lives. And I pray that God continues to guide me along and protect this precious life.

It's been quite a journey. Time to open a new chapter of life -- hope, love, peace, happiness and good health -- mind-body-spirit.

Onward...

xoxo

The Amazing Race...

Over 260 donations. More than $25,000 raised. Seven remarkable women. Months of preparation. Hard work. Tons of fun. A few tears. Belly laughs.  Delicious food. Tasty wine. Crazy antics. Pouring rain. Two Days. More than 26.2 miles. An amazing finish. 

A weekend I'll never forget. 

Satchel and I kicked off the weekend with a fun Friday in the city. We managed to secure the two hotel rooms with a connecting door, which was essential! We people watched in the hotel and awaited the arrival of our team mates. Everyone arrived and we ventured off to a delicious pizza dinner. (And we also learned to never assume that cheese always tops a pizza!) After a few hours of giggles, prep and girl talk, we headed off to bed. 

The 4:50 am wake up call took us all by storm, but we managed to hop on the shuttle at 5:30 am, dressed and ready to walk the first 13.1 miles. The weather was perfect for walking. It was overcast and mild. The energy in the city was unbelievable, and there were so many people cheering us on as we made our way through DC. The six of us hit our 13.1 mile goal for the day, and Mimi decided to venture off for another 13.1. We were so proud of her. 

We headed off to the Wellness village, where we enjoyed chiropractic adjustments and massages. Ahhhhhh. We did it! We were ready to head back to the hotel, but the shuttle was not leaving for 1.5 hours. With this determined group of ladies, where there's a will, there's a way! So we walked our way up the street to the highway, and grabbed a cab to the metro! The cab driver was a good sport as six giggling, sweaty women piled in to his cab. As we ventured to the metro, an Amazing Race challenge transpired between Satchel, Lew, and Rose. I was astonished at their endurance after our long walk, and entertained by their antics. The next finish line was at the bar, where we all toasted our Day 1 victory with a cold beer!

Five hours later, Mimi joined us at the hotel. Aside from a few blisters and sore legs, she walked 26.2 miles that day. The seven of us ventured off to a lovely dinner filled with good conversation and delicious Italian food. After another evening of fun, we had lights out by 9:30 pm. 

As the 5 am wake-up call interrupted our sound sleep, we welcomed the morning, packed our bags, and prepared for Day 2. The weather was a little more challenging as it poured rain the entire day. There was not one complaint. Not one moment of hesitation. We laced up our shoes, donned our rain slickers, and headed to the Wellness Village. After a mess hall-style breakfast, we were off for the last 13.1 miles. 

Satchel led the way, and as we cruised along in the pouring rain, we kept up an impressive pace through the hills. In our final mile, the rain poured and we headed across the Memorial Bridge. Halfway across the bridge, with the Lincoln Memorial ahead and the Potomac River flowing below, Lew said, "Are you ready to leave Scarlett behind? How about right here?" With my best friends surrounding me, I took a pink ribbon, hung it over the edge of the bridge, and tossed it over. Since it took another try due to the wind, Lew handed me a quarter. I stood on the bench, in the pouring rain, thanked my girls for walking this journey with me, made a wish and threw that quarter in to the river. Good-bye cancer. We left you behind. It was quite an emotional moment. I knew my husband and mom would be proud. The harder it rained, the more I believed they were tears of joy falling from above.

As we approached the finish line, we took off our rain slickers, joined hands, and walked to the finish together as a team. And our families were at the finish line cheering us on. Part of me wanted to cry, but I managed to hold back the tears and gave huge hugs to my family and friends. I felt a tremendous feeling of closure. The finish line was not just a symbol of 26.2 miles. It was the starting point for my cancer-free life. And it was an amazing feeling of accomplishment, love, friendship, and peace. I was so proud of my team for raising over $25K. Our network has been so generous, and these donations will help other women who are facing the darkness of breast cancer. And help the movement to find a cure so that nobody has to hear those words or endure the treatment or face death. It felt great to give back to a good cause...one that has been close to my heart for years, but is now personal. 

SweetCheeks had dedicated a song to me on Friday morning -- that was dedicated and played on the radio! It was a moving song, and became my anthem for the weekend. So, tonight I share the lyrics with you. I have one final post to write, so stay tuned. But this chapter of my life is nearing the end. I will always remember this weekend I shared with six amazing women. Women who are pillars of strength for me and my family. And I'm reminded every day how precious life is, and how blessed I am. 

xoxo

I Run For You by Melissa Ethridge

(click here to watch her sing it...)

It's been years since they told her about it
The darkness her body possessed
And the scars are still there in the mirror
Everyday that she gets herself dressed
Though the pain is miles and miles behind her
And the fear is now a docile beast
If you ask her why she is still running
She'll tell you it makes her complete

[Chorus:]
I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother, your sister, your wife
I run for you and me, my friend
I run for life

It's a blur since they told me about it
How the darkness had taken its toll
And they cut into my skin and they cut into my body
But they will never get a piece of my soul
And now I'm still learning the lesson
To awake when I hear the call
And if you ask me why I am still running
I'll tell you I run for us all

And someday if they tell you about it
If the darkness knocks on your door
Remember her remember me
We will be running as we have before
Running for answers
Running for more

I run for hope
I run to feel
I run for the truth
For all that is real
I run for your mother, your sister, your wife
I run for you and me my friend

Walk the Walk...

It is dreary yet bright morning, and the house is still silent. These days, having a quiet moment to myself is a rare gift, so what better time to blog. Far be it from me to simply be still and do nothing! Life is full throttle busy again, but I'm consciously trying to find good balance to make my hectic life a blessing and not a curse.

For the past seven years, my family has participated in the Susan G. Koman Race for the Cure, walking in remembrance of Satchel's amazing mother in-law who lost her battle to breast cancer. And as I walked with her husband last June, I had an overwhelming feeling that day. As I grabbed his arm and walked along his side, and I found myself drawn to all of the survivors donned in pink. At that point I was so obsessed with the undiagnosed lump in my breast. It was just weeks later I returned to the doctor and finally received the diagnosis myself. And I was not surprised because I felt as though God had prepared my heart.

During treatment, a couple of my friends reached out to me and said, "I want to do the Avon Walk for you in the spring." And to be honest, I didn't think much of it. While I enjoy an active lifestyle, aside from Race for the Cure, I've never participated in a race/walk/run. In December as I finished up chemo, I started thinking more and more about participating in the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer. Walking 26.2+ miles over two days seemed like a giant task after everything I had been through, but I knew it was something some of my best friends wanted to do, and it seemed like a good goal, and a good opportunity to do something to help the cause...which has been close to my heart but is now very personal. I sent an email to six of my friends, and within minutes, and without hesitation, the "I'm in" replies started flowing in. Let's do it!

The women who make up my team are no strangers to this blog; they have been by my side every step of the way on this journey. Satchel, Rose, Lew, C, SweetCheeks and Mimi have been by my side for the last 9-28 years of my life as my childhood friends, college comrades, co-workers, bridesmaids, God parents to my children, next door neighbors and all-around amazing friends.

Together, we have received over 250 donations, raising over $24K for the Avon Foundation. I am so blessed to have these women, who are like my sisters, in my life. And the extended network of love and support we have received has been unreal.

We had custom shirts designed, and on the back of the shirt has over 50 names of women connected by the pink ribbon. I'm walking for all of my Bosom Buddies, and hoping that some day nobody will have to hear those words, or endure the treatments...or lose their life in the battle. It will no doubt be an emotional weekend.

Many thanks to all of you who have supported us. And thanks to my team for all of your hard work, and commitment to training and fund raising while managing busy lives.

Rain or shine, this will be a weekend we'll never forget!

Girl Talk...

A few days passed, and suddenly it occurred to me that I had not worn my wig in days. It was by no great decision, other than life was busy, I was working from home, and it simply fell out of my routine. I suppose if I looked in a mirror from time to time, I would have been more conscious of it. However, mirrors are things I seem to avoid these days. I took the kids over to Rose's for a pizza play date that Friday evening, and brought my wig along. When I arrived, she said, as an honest friend would, "Why on earth are you wearing that thing anymore? You look much better without it." Really? Oh, but no, I'm not ready to have this micro pixie haircut be the new me. Needless to say, I left the wig in the car, and off we went to dinner with the six kids without another thought about hair.

The next morning I was off to the mall. Destination: Nordstrom, in search of the perfect PJs for my mother-in-law's birthday. As I browsed through the beautiful PJs on the third floor, I suddenly realized I was surrounded by bras. Hmmm...those were something that I had not really thought of much about or used for the last 8 months. It was an Oprah moment when I asked the lady helping me, "Can you measure me?" And before I knew it we were heading for the dressing room. OMG. What have I just gotten myself in to? In a semi-frantic voice, I said, "You can probably guess from my hair that my girls do not look like they used to." In a sweet, unsurprised voice she said, "It's OK dear, I'm certified and I've seen it all."

My heart started to race as we entered the fitting room, and the large 3-way mirror made its presence known. "Face the mirror" she requested. "Oh, I'm sorry, I don't DO mirrors. Can I just face the wall?" In a gentle face, she looked at me and said, "You are very beautiful; you are ALIVE." As I stood there topless, she did her thing with the measuring tape, left on a mission, and returned with a handful of treasures. As I tried them on, I tried my best to control my quivering lip. And I suddenly realized why I had not worn one like this for months and months. My girls are beautiful in their own way, but just not "normal." And I know everyone is different, and there is no such thing as "normal" but it just felt different. None of them were fitting right, and I was growing more and more discouraged...until the fourth try. It was an a-ha moment as I found the perfect one...the perfect fit. She smiled and said, "You have to look in the mirror. This is perfect." And so I did. And even with the $60 price tag, I knew the feeling of the perfect fit was worth every penny. I hugged her, and thanked her for her kindness. I was feeling a little ambitious, so off I went, in search of some new products.

My husband's drug store mega gel was just not cutting it as my hair started to grow. My locks continue to grow in brown, thick, and straight. I found myself in Aveda, looking at products that were foreign to me, the former hair guru. Wax? Pomade? Gel? This beautiful, tall woman with short hair came up to me and offered her assistance. "What are you looking for?" and in a pitiful voice I replied, "I have no idea. I'm new to this whole short hair thing, and I need to style it and try to fancy it up." She then said, "Are you using a blow dryer?" All I could think of was, "OH NO you didn't just ask me that." I said, with a straight face, "My mom took my blow dryer away 8 months ago after I shaved off my long hair due to chemo." Wow. Did I say those words out loud? Did I really need to explain my story? Yikes. She was very helpful, and we agreed upon the gel wax. Again, keeping the tears at bay, I thanked her for her kindness and went on my way.

After a few more stops, I could not get out of the mall fast enough. And as I sat in my car, I called my husband. As soon as I heard his gentle voice, I started bawling. It's all part of the journey. But again, I'm healthy. I'm alive. And these were a few of the last to-dos I have on my list.

After some encouragement from my husband and a couple of my friends, an internal pep talk, a big fat glob of Aveda gel wax, a new headband, lots of make up, and sparkly dangling earrings, I decided to take my new look to the office. From the pre-school to Starbucks to the office, I was flooded with compliments. "Look at your sassy Spring haircut!" and "I love your hair! I wish I could pull off a haircut like that!" and "You look so chic! Maybe I'll finally get mine cut, too!" For a few people I knew well, who did not know the story, I dropped the bomb. They were in shock. "How is that possible? I have seen you almost daily and I never would have known you were undergoing chemo or wearing a wig." Really? In a strange way, I felt very proud of myself. If people I saw regularly didn't know I was in hell for 5 months, and in disguise in my wigs the last 8 months, then that's pretty impressive! I'm now practicing my "Oh, thank you" reply, but from time to time I feel inclined to tell the story. I'm not sure why I have to justify it. Some people enjoy wearing their hair like this. I laugh when people say, "I bet you'll keep it short, and never go back to long hair again." HA. Are you serious? I look forward to the day where I have a big round brush and a hair dryer with some hot rollers! :-) Bottom line is I'm working very hard to embrace the new me, and feel more beautiful than ever on the inside, most days. And again, I'm alive. And I'm enjoying every day as a precious gift.

My days are busy, and at times I feel like I'm drinking from a fire hose. But I'm enjoying work, the kids, my family and our friends tremendously, and life is filled with GREAT DAYS. We had a wonderful Spring Break and Easter, filled with great fellowship with the best of friends and our amazing families. My husband and the kids are better than ever and thriving more with each passing day. We are loving life in our home. And despite the grey clouds that roll in from time to time and send me in to a panic, I am assured that, too, shall pass.

I debated whether to publish this post. But then, I realized that this aftermath is such a part of my journey. And my plan is to leave Scarlett at the finish line of the Avon Walk, just a few weeks from now. Why stop being honest now? You have been with me this far. And, perhaps, someone will find this post as they frantically Google late at night in search of answers, and find comfort that they are not alone .

Here's a new favorite motto that I'll share with you tonight...

We tend to seek happiness, when happiness is actually a choice.
xoxo

In Like a Lion, Out Like a Lamb...

As we entered March, I was a woman who was trying to move past cancer, and find a new normal. And as much as I wanted to silence it, the loud roar of cancer still echoed in my ear...my heart...my soul.

I had a series of follow-up appointments. Breast cancer surgeon...check. Plastic surgeon...check. Oncologist...check. The good news is that there is no news! All of my appointments went well, and I don't have to return for six months. Really? Well that is music to my ears! And time really does heal. Finally, my mind is free to close this chapter and really start living my cancer-free life.

As I dive in to work, train for the Avon walk, volunteer at school, play with my family, and hang out with my friends, life is amazingly normal. I think about the "Big C" less and less, so much so that my Bosom Buddy was talking about last summer and I even asked her, "what was last summer?" We got a good laugh when my response was, "Oh, I forgot about the whole cancer thing last summer!"Now that is progress.

I made promises to my family and friends to keep my life free from drama and limit the stress, to the best of my ability, and that makes all the difference in the world. While the daily grind is exhausting, it's also invigorating. At the end of the day I feel accomplished and at peace...and thankful. And what didn't get done today will get done tomorrow...or the next day...or the next.

My hair is growing more and more each day. It is almost as long as my husband's! I laugh each time I borrow his gel and his post-shower coiffing technique. I long for the day to hold a big round brush in my hand, and vow not to complain that it takes me 30 minutes to blow dry my hair! But in the mean time, I will give thanks that my hair is growing in thick and fast. And my eyelashes are about halfway in, so soon enough that will another wonderful welcomed piece of me back. But I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I miss my long hair every single day.

The Avon 2-Day walk for Breast Cancer is a little over a month away. My intimate, awesome team of seven ladies has raised almost $17,000 for this important cause. Even with these tough economic times that face us, our friends and family have been so generous in their donations. I pray that the economy makes a turn for the better soon, since so many people we know and love have been affected. On days where I don't feel like working out, I think about this walk, and all of the people who have supported me, my team mates and the cause, and lace up my shoes. The timing couldn't be more perfect, really. It will no doubt be a weekend to remember with the best friends a girl could ask for.

As we near the end of March, my thoughts are filled with hunting for Easter eggs, blooming spring flowers, playing outside and rocking on the front porch with my husband. While I'm sure there will be days that will be less than perfect, I am doing better than ever. And as I lay my head on my pillow at night, may the only vision that runs through my head be the little lambs that hush me in to a peaceful slumber.

As we used to say to my Nana each time winter ended (boy, I sure do miss her)...

Happy Spring! Happy Everything!
xoxo

A New Normal...

With each passing day, I feel more like me and less like Scarlett. The last couple of weeks have been quite eventful, so I thought an update seemed appropriate for those of you who have stuck with me!

After my diagnosis, I felt like I was in the midst of a great hurricane. I gathered closely with those I love and found a safe haven to bunker down and weather the great storm. And by the grace of God, we all survived. In the New Year, there were days where I felt like I was amidst the rubble, and had a huge task of putting my life back together. I found myself craving normal, but was well aware that normal no longer existed, and was tasked with finding the new normal.

There have been days filled with blue skies and sunshine, and then, at the drop of a hat, the grey skies roll in and thunder and lightening loom. The emotional roller coaster can be incredibly draining, especially since it is tough to control. And that is especially difficult for a typically happy-go-lucky control freak! I found myself drawn to my Bosom Buddies, and finding comfort in their honesty and empathy. And I found comfort in hearing from my oncologist that many women face these challenges once treatment is over. 

There are times in your life where you need to hear what you WANT to hear, and times where you want to hear what you NEED to hear. The latter is where I have been. I don't need sugar coated comments like, "You look great." Rather, I need honesty like, "You need new wigs" or challenging encouragement with nutrition and exercise. I have been finding closure and mending fences, and that is very freeing. I found myself in moods beyond my control, and not being particularly pleasant to be around, especially to those closest to me. I was having my own little pity party, and quite frankly, was not enjoying it. That is just not ME! When I apologized to my husband for my bad moods, he gently asked, "Are you sure you aren't getting your period?" (That goes away for most women during chemo, and may or may not come back.) Well, sure enough, the next day he proved to be right! 

As miserable as the visit from the monthly menace was, it was wonderful to feel my body get back to normal. And suddenly, my moods swings stopped and I felt more normal than I had in ages. Welcome back, me!

My hair is growing back...still thick, still straight, still brown. I continue to wig out when I go out in public and to the office, just because I'm not ready to rock the micro pixie. However, I have been au natural at the gym, and that is freeing. I have been doing what I can to prepare for the Avon 2-Day Walk for Breast Cancer. My small team of my BFFs have raised an amazing amount of money for this cause, thanks to all of our amazing family and friends who have been so generous, and supportive to me and the cause, and that is so motivating to hit the gym. My plan is to leave Scarlett at the finish line.

Last week, I rubbed my eyes, only to find the last of my long eyelashes on my finger. It's strange that your eyelashes fall out after treatment. It did not bother me too much, because the three Bosom Buddies that I have seen recently have the most amazing eyelashes. Their eyelashes fell out as well, and came in longer, stronger and thicker after chemo. Now, mine are growing in, and it's kind of freaky to see little eyelash stubs growing in. Fascinating. You better believe I'll treat myself to a new tube of mascara once I am actually able to use it again! :-)

The other day, I looked in the mirror, and noticed that my barely-there, Shogun-esque eyebrows were actually looking thick and bushy. So today, I did something that I have not done since the day before chemo started nearly 7 months ago. An eyebrow wax. WOO HOO!!! Let me tell you how fun that was! I now have thick, perfectly shaped eyebrows. One step at a time I'm coming back to the new me from the inside out. Maybe someday soon I'll start looking in the mirror again.

So, long story short, the sun is shining again. I'm feeling better each day. My kids are amazing, my husband is my soul mate, my mom is my rock, and my family and friends continue to love me and challenge me each day. My body is springing back slowly but surely, and I'm learning to be gentle to myself. I choose to live life partly sunny versus partly cloudy. Glass half full versus glass half empty. Every day is an opportunity to make a difference. Or hug someone. Or tell someone how much you love them. Even on rough days, I continue to give thanks, and say out loud, "Today may be a challenge, but I'm alive, and that makes today a Great Day." I vow to never lose that perspective. And I will rejoice and be glad in it. 

Life is short...live well...love deeply...give thanks...enjoy...

xoxo

A New Beginning...

Nearly seven months ago, I treated myself to a pedicure in anticipation of a big event. As luck would have it, I picked the perfect nail color with a fabulous name....Peru-B-Ruby. The big event was the bilateral mastectomy with reconstruction surgery I had the next day. As they wheeled me down the hall to the OR, the anesthesia kicked in, and in my nervous, loopy state, I engaged in small talk with my doctors about my pretty toes, and how delighted I was with Peru-B-Ruby. Little did I know that would be my last pedicure for many many months. I had no idea that pedicures were a no-no during chemo. Boy, chemo really took so much away, especially the little pleasures in life like a good blow dry and a pedicure!

Flash forward seven months. Two breast surgeries, two procedures for my port (placement and removal), six chemo sessions, and countless blood draws. Not one runny nose. Not one delay. The project manager in me feels proud that my team executed this project on time, with no delays! Cancer-free. Phew!

It's hard to believe, really. I am still the same person, yet I've changed tremendously on this journey, both on the inside and on the outside. Some days it all seems like a dream, and some days I look at the many scars that now adorn my body and find myself amazed at all that my body has endured. All that my heart has experienced. And all that my soul has embraced. My faith in God guided me through it all. It's as though He placed a protective bubble around me and my family, and guided us all along the way. 

I am recovering very well from my implant exchange surgery. The silicone implants are so soft and natural looking, unlike the rock hard expander implants I have had for the last six months. I am not sure exactly what I expected, but I have not had a lot of pain or discomfort. I am very pleased with the results, and feel so blessed and grateful with it all. The best part of this all? I'm DONE! I am feeling at peace -- mind, body, and soul. In so many ways, I feel whole again. "Normal life" has resumed, with a twist. I have such an appreciation for every day I wake up. Even the frustrating moments with my kids are cherished. My marriage is rock solid. My family has redefined the word close. My friendships have grown to new heights I never thought imaginable. And broken fences are mending. I love life, and I will continue to do all I can to ensure I am a 40+ year survivor.

Some of my dear Bosom Buddies that I have met along the way have encountered some complications, and my heart goes out to them. I have been praying so hard, and I have full faith that their bodies will heal, and that their talented plastic surgeons will work their magic and someday soon they will have great results as well.

I saw Rose's mom a few nights ago. I said, "How are you, Boppa?" and she replied, with her gentle Alabama twang, "Well, darlin', how do I look?" I said, with a smile, "You look fantastic!" and she said, "Well, that is how I feel!" With a sigh, I said, "That doesn't work for me. I feel great but am not looking that great!" And she said, "Darlin', you look AMAZING, because you are ALIVE!" Enough said. Amen.

It is motivating when you are not alone in your efforts. It seems everyone in my life is on a good health lifestyle change...not just a kick. My husband, my BFFs, my neighbors, my co-workers, my pre-school mom friends...everyone seems to be working out a ton and eating well. I am not allowed to work out for 3 more weeks, but I spoke with my plastic surgeon about walking and doing the bike at the gym, which she agreed to. So, I've hit the gym and am trying my best to get back in to shape. Not just for looks, but for life. For one, I'm training for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in May. And, more importantly, studies show that regular exercise and a healthy, organic diet are key elements that reduce recurrence. With that, I'm doing my best to get healthy. And, it feels great.I had a ball cooking a healthy, organic Sunday family dinner last night, and tonight, I'll be whipping up some organic, vegetarian chili. Yum!

My hair is growing, and it continues to come in thick, brown, and straight. Although, several of my Bosom Buddies have warned me that the curls will come! We'll have to see what happens...I'll keep you posted. I still wig out, but now when I hit the gym, I just wear a bandana. That is a huge step for me, but it gets easier and easier every day. I wear my pink silicone breast cancer bracelet when I exercise. For inspiration, yes, but also as a way to answer the questions that wondering onlookers have dancing around in their heads when they see a young woman with super short hair in a bandana.  

The other day I found a gift certificate for a pedicure that my girlfriends gave me after I was diagnosed. Chemo destroyed my nails and I was in need of some TLC. When I arrived at the day spa, I stared at the wall of hundreds of nail polish bottles, with many shades of reds and pinks. I grabbed a color and looked at the bottom of the bottle. Peru-B-Ruby. I smiled, chuckled out loud, and handed the bottle to the lady. Look no further. The more things change, the more they stay the same!

xoxo

Nip/Tuck...

The fog of anesthesia is lifting, and the fanny pack with the pain pump is working. I am home from surgery and snuggled safe and sound in my bed.

Today at Inova Fairfax Hospital, my amazing plastic surgeon performed my implant replacement surgery. The expander implants were rock hard and growing heavy, but they did a great job stretching the skin and preparing my body for my permanent implants. I had silicone implants placed -- it's what they recommend now, and they are safe, not to mention soft and natural looking (from what I hear anyway!)

The staff at the hospital was amazing every step of the way. It is very obvious they have a focus on excellent patient care. My plastic surgeon greeted me with a smile and marked me all up. As I kissed my mom and husband good-bye, they wheeled me to the OR.  The rest is a blur, and two hours later I woke up in recovery with my husband by my side, and a smile of relief on his face. I was pretty nauseated but that subsided pretty quickly, and after some apple juice and a few crackers I was fine. Just very very tired. The best news is that I do not have any drains! Yippeeee! That was the worst memory from my first surgery and there was a small chance I'd have to have drains. But I don't, and that makes me happy beyond belief!

My mom and mother-in-law left the hospital to get the children from school, play with them, and make them dinner. And I was able to come home, crawl straight in to bed, and take a power nap. We are so fortunate to have family in the area to take care of us all. My mom is going to stay with us for a few days to help my husband out. The kids are beyond excited that Nana will have a slumber party with them!

Thank you all for your prayers, calls, emails and texts today. They put me at ease, and now I am happy to follow orders and heal from this. And I feel so relieved that this surgery is over, and hopefully can now fully enjoy my cancer-free life with no major medical procedure hanging over my head.

I can't wait to see how "the girls" turned out. Right now I'm all bandaged up, but my plastic surgeon seemed pleased. I need to heal for a few months before they can do the final nipple reconstruction and tattoo, so I dont' have to worry about that any time soon. I have taken the next two weeks off of work, and plan to rest up, watch some movies, and get caught up on some much-neglected Shutterfly.

I'm off to rest. Pain meds  and blogging aren't the best combination! But I thought this might ease your minds that all went well, and it was another Great Day.

xoxo

It's a Tunnel, Not a Well...

I slipped on my workout clothes, tied up my Nike's, grabbed my iPod, put on my sunglasses, and tossed my hat wig on. I was heading out for my long Sunday training walk, this time solo. My husband said, "Why bother? Take that thing off and wear a doo rag." What? Leave the house without a wig? I have only done that once since I shaved my head six months ago. But, it was one step closer to embracing my reality. As I tied on my bandana and threw on my glasses, out the door I went for my 7+ mile march.  As the sun warmed my body, the music touched my soul, and my mind started racing. The W&OD trail was busy that day and I found myself people watching as I walked along. It was very freeing to leave the hat wig behind...for so many reasons! 

My Skin Deep post hit a chord with many of my loved ones. I have learned that true love is not just telling people what they want to hear...rather it's telling people what they need to hear in a gentle, honest way. True love is not patronizing, pretending everything is OK when clearly it's not...rather it's encouraging saying it's OK to feel this way, but this too shall pass, and you are doing great. It's the gentle reminder to be kind to myself, and that time has a way of healing. It's a big hug, when you just need to be held, without a word being spoken.

Today, I went to acupuncture. For me, that hour session offers such healing to mind, body, and soul. The first fifteen minutes I shared with her my recent anxiety, and she was so kind and so encouraging. She said, "Right now, you are in a tunnel, not a well. If you see darkness, soon you will see light as you pass through this phase. You are not trapped in the bottom of a well with no hope of getting out. Soon, very soon, you will pass through the tunnel of darkness and your future will be there, waiting for you." She is such an amazing woman, and has seen me at my darkest hour and on my happiest day. And her words and her touch are so healing and powerful. And I know her prayers for me will be heard. 

As I head in to surgery tomorrow, I have tremendous peace of mind, body and soul. I count my blessings each day, and with each day I grow more and more grateful for the abundance of love that surrounds me. My husband--the love of my life. My two healthy, wonderful children. My close, loving family. My amazing circle of friends. My coworkers. I am fortunate to have a home and a job. And I'm proud of my body for being so resilient and strong. But the biggest blessing of all is that I am alive, and appreciate that gift every day.

It's amazing how calm and happy I feel today. I really do see the bright light at the end of the tunnel. And as my dear friend Coop always says, "The light at the end of the tunnel is not a train...it's your future."

Thank to you my loved ones for being there for me, especially lately. You know who you are! I'll keep you posted after my surgery. Say a prayer for me, please! We're almost done! A wonderful new life awaits...

xoxo

Skin deep...

It's nearly 9am on a Sunday morning, and I find myself alone in a quiet room, comfy as can be in my bed. With my husband at the store buying ingredients for a Superbowl dip, and my kids playing quietly downstairs, it is the perfect time for an update.

Life has returned to normal--which is a hectic day-to-day life filled with school, work, sports, play dates, and early bedtimes! In the midst of the chaos, I find that I am still a bit unsettled. Perhaps it's my upcoming surgery. Perhaps everything that happened in the last six months is finally setting in. I pulled up to my mom's house the other day...a house that I lived in for five months during my battle with cancer. As I walked in her house and greeted her with a hug, I told her I can't really remember living there. I find that my mind is blocking out a lot of the details of those five months. I went back to re-read some of my earlier posts and found myself amazed at what I read. I even shed a few tears. I felt as though I was reading a story about someone else. Perhaps that is how I got through it all with such strength. Perhaps writing a "story about someone going through cancer treatments" was easier than facing the fact that it was me going through it all. The mind is so fascinating.

This Thursday, I will head to the hospital for my implant replacement surgery. For the last six months, my plastic surgeon has been filling my expander implants with saline to stretch the skin. It's pretty amazing that you can choose your new boob size. "Shall we pump one more time?" she asked. "I don't want them too big." I explained. "You are the professional, you tell me what you think is right!"  I think most women secretly fantasize about what nip/tuck procedure they would have, even if they would never actually go through with it. For me, breast augmentation was never one of them. And I certainly never imagined that at 36 I'd get a new set of "girls" after battling breast cancer. But I feel blessed that I have been in the hands of some very talented surgeons, and the result so far has been amazing. And not having to wear a bra is quite the perk. (ha) Life is funny that way. 

Many women are very traumatized after a bilateral mastectomy. But in the grand scheme of it all, this has been the least of my trauma. Perhaps that is because I was blessed with no complications and a good outcome. For me, the worst part of it all has been the hair loss. For the last 3.5 weeks, my hair has started growing back. Many people told me it would grow back black and curly...a chemo afro I was told. Fortunately, it is growing back as was...thick, medium brown, and straight. As my big brother lovingly told me, I look like a baby gorilla. My 3 year old daughter was so excited the other night, and said, "Mommy, you have hair! Let me go get the hairbrush." It was a little painful as she brushed my fuzz, but it was so cute that she noticed my hair. And the other day, I looked down and exclaimed to my husband, "Do you see this?! I have leg hair! I need to go get a new razor!" It has been nearly six months since I have needed shampoo or a razor. The divine smell of shampoo and the gift of a new razor was the making of one of the most memorable showers I've ever had! TMI? Too bad!

To my surprise, there is significant anxiety associated with my hair coming back in. In a short time, I will be ditching the wigs and will have short hair. For most of my life I've had long hair, and I am still having a hard time getting used to the idea of the micro pixie as my doo. The day I lose the wigs, people who have been with me through my battle will say, "Wow! Look at how much your hair has grown!" People who do not know about my cancer will say, "Wow! You cut your hair!" How do I react to that? With a kind "Thank you." Or will I reveal the real reason? I guess I'll have to wait and see. Why do I care? Breast cancer was not my fault. It's nothing to be embarrassed about. Yet for some reason, I find it hard to share with some people. Silly, really. But it is what it is. And I am more than a hair cut, I have to remember that. I feel more beautiful than ever on the inside, and I am alive.

My husband said it well..."I'd rather have you here, healthy, and alive with short hair than not here at all." Perspective. Have I mentioned lately that I married the most amazing man? It's been almost 18 years since we met...and each day the love grows stronger.

I think dealing with surface issues like hair and weight are a way of dealing with things on the outside, which are a lot less severe than the fears that still lie deep within that I only think about in my sleep. But as each day passes, I know in my heart that I will be a 40 year survivor. 

So, please say a little prayer for me that all will go well on Thursday. I will keep you posted!

xoxo

Another Great Day...

We are all back to "normal life" with new perspective. My hair is starting to grow, I am feeling great, and my last CBC showed perfect blood levels. No more anemia! Our days are filled with school, work, play dates and family time...and less and less appointments with doctors. I am all cleared for my implant replacement surgery on 2/4 or 2/5...then after that I will hopefully have a reprieve from procedures for a long time.

For many years I have participated in the Susan G. Koman Race for the Cure in honor of Satchel's mother in-law, who lost her battle to breast cancer. This year, I have decided to do the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer on May 2-3. Together with six of my dear friends, we have created a team and we will walk at least 26.2 miles over two days. For the next few months we will be training and fundraising for the event. It will be a very emotional weekend, I'm sure, and I am so glad that I will have these ladies by my side. Together we will walk in celebration and memory all of the Bosom Buddies out there who have battled breast cancer. I know our fundraising will help make a difference in this cause. And the training will hopefully help get some of this unwelcomed chemo weight off. I will look at it as a great experience of remembrance, healing and most of all, closure. By now you know my team well...Satchel, Rose, Lew, Sid, SweetCheeks and Mimi. I am sure it will be a weekend of laughs and tears...and many memories to last a lifetime. Thanks to all of you who have supported our team. If our email is still sitting in your inbox, here's a little reminder to donate to our team! :-) If we all make a small contribution to this important cause, together we can make an enormous impact.

Yesterday, Sid and I met up for a walk. As we bundled up and hit the trail, we spent over two hours walking and talking. It was the best of both worlds--we got a training walk in and also got to catch up without interruption! I look forward to many more of those in the coming months as we prepare for the walk.

Last night, Satchel, Mel, and I went to the Birchmere to see the band Eddie From Ohio. Last time I saw them was in August, on the day I had my port placed, at the beginning of this journey. See the post Great Day... After the concert in August, I had emailed the band to them know how touched I had been by their concert. And how inspired I was by Julie, the lead singer, who was also a young breast cancer survivor. I adopted their song Great Day as my anthem, and listened to them faithfully over the last six months. Julie and I became email buddies, and she offered me comfort and inspiration throughout my journey.

As Satchel, Mel and I drank some delicious Blue Moons with orange slices and ate some tasty bar food, it was time for the show to begin. The three of us had the perfect seat, and sat back and enjoyed the show. Hearing EFO is like comfort food for my soul. I thought about how terrible I felt last time I saw them...how scared I felt. And here, six months later, I feel great and am cancer-free and done with my treatments. As they prepared to sing another song, Julie, the lead singer, started telling the audience a story...it was my story. Tears flooded from my eyes hearing her tell my story...and the story of our relationship. It was surreal that this woman whose voice has brought me so much joy and comfort for 17 years is now someone who I have shared something so personal with. And having her dedicate the song -- my healing anthem, Great Day-- to me and sing her heart out made the tears fall even harder. Satchel and Mel grabbed my hands, and as we sat there snuggled together on the bench listening and crying, it was one of those perfect moments in this journey that I won't soon forget.

After the concert, they sold copies of the CD of that evening's performance. So of course I had to buy it! The band came out to sign the CD, and as my eyes met hers, I said, "It's me, Scarlett." She got up out of her chair and we hugged so tightly. We spoke for a few minutes and hugged again. What a perfect night. And another Great Day...one I will never forget.

Ciao, Port...

Happy New Year! It's Saturday morning, and my husband and kids are downstairs eating breakfast as we get ready to start winter basketball. Yes, my 3 year old daughter is so excited to have basketball today as well as my 6 year old son. Should be interesting! I thought my blog would be done for a while, but to be honest, I miss writing. And today, I actually have cancer-related progress updates...so off we go. 

Since my doctor told me to start living my cancer-free life, I took her orders to heart, have found peace in my heart, and we all have resumed "normal" life. After an amazing two week break where the four of us were home as a family, eating, napping, visiting with friends and family, playing games, and sleeping in, we returned to our normal routines. School. Work. And as much fun as vacation and breaks are, once our batteries were recharged, it was kind of nice to get back to normal. I think the kids felt the same way.

When I asked my oncologist when I could have my port removed, she said, "As soon as we can get you scheduled...you don't need it anymore." That was the best news, because while I have been grateful for my mediport and the benefits it offered during chemo infusion, I hated the big bump that was on the left side of my chest. I hated feeling and seeing the catheter. I was ready to have it out. Plus, if the oncologist thinks I don't need my port, then that means I don't need chemo, and that means the cancer is gone. YEA!

My port removal surgery was scheduled for Friday morning. My husband had a busy work day and my mom had worked the night before, so guess who I called? Yes, my Satchel. To be honest, she is my perfect medical buddy. She is my rock, and after going through 5 chemo sessions with me, a port removal was just icing on the cake! And it also meant another morning to spend with her, which is always a treat.

She arrived right on time, and she came with me to the bus stop and the preschool drop off. It was great to catch up with her on the way to the hospital. As we found the Interventional Radiology department in the basement of Inova Fairfax Hospital, we checked in and did not have to wait long. 

I thought I'd get the port removed without sedation...just local anesthesia. However the doc had different plans and wanted me to do twilight sedation, where I am awake but don't feel anything. With that, I tend to turn in to a chatterbox. No shock. The procedure was quick and of course I didn't feel a thing. I asked the nurse if I could see the mediport, and before I knew it I was holding it and having my own Discovery Channel Interactive moment! Soon thereafter, I was back in recovery. They said I had to wait 1-2 hours to let the sedation wear off. At least Satchel was able to come back and keep me company. After 10 minutes, the mean nurse came over and said Satchel had to leave since it was getting crowded in there. We were not thrilled. I sat up in my hospital bed and beckoned the doctor over to my bed. "PLEASE can I go home? I am feeling great. PLEASE don't make me wait for 1-2 hours." I pleaded. He gave me the liability song and dance...and I even begged to sign a waiver. I suppose sitting around really sick, old people makes me crazy. I don't look sick. I don't feel sick. GET ME OUTTA HERE.

My bed was right across from the nurses station where the doc and nurses were sitting and working. I suppose me sitting up straight in my hospital bed with my arms crossed, staring at them, worked. Within 10 minutes, the nurse said I was cleared by the doctor to leave, and they sent Satchel to get the car. We headed to our ritual post-medical appointment lunch, and then it was time for me to go home and rest, and for her to fetch her kids from the bus. Another fun day with Satchel. And one step closer to having my cancer-related procedures done. Last night I went to bed early and simply crashed. I am feeling OK this morning, and while the incision is a little tender, I'm doing fine. 

Next step...implant exchange on February 5. That is a whole different post, so stay tuned. :-) 

As I have mentioned before, I believe you need to understand where you have been to appreciate how far you have come, and have goal for where you want to go. For now, however, I am finding the need to live for the present. Live for the day. Appreciate every moment. The past has formed me in to the person I am, and the future holds so many exciting and wonderful moments ahead. But today is where I am, and each day is such a gift. In a freaky way, which few would understand, my cancer diagnosis has been a blessing. I would not wish cancer on anyone, and the journey has had many moments of darkness, pain, and fear. However it has changed me as a person, and my perspective has changed dramatically...for the better. My family and friends have stood by my side and we have formed bonds that I could have never imagined. Yes, there have been a few disappointments along the way, but I have also realized that it is in your deepest time of need that you see things in a different light and appreciate true love.

My hair is starting to grow back and I'm starting to work out again. Me and 5 of my dear friends have formed a team for the Avon 2-Day walk in May. It is a great goal, and will no doubt be a weekend to remember. For now, I'm off to enjoy my normal cancer-free Saturday with my family! 

I hope you are having a great 2009, and a great day. Love to all!

xoxo