You Are What You Eat...

The crickets are still chirping. The dawn sky is still dark. The house is quiet as the kids are still nestled in their beds. After eight quality hours of unmedicated, sound sleep, I sit here quietly reflecting on what a wonderful weekend we had. And I give thanks once again for my energy, strength...and my life. This weekend is not without stories, for each day on this journey I find myself meeting new people and finding new perspective on the people and activities that make up my day.

As mentioned, I am a firm believer in the mind/body/spirit connection for healing. And while I vowed to be a good patient during the modern medical intervention of surgery and chemo, I need to do my part to heal mind/body/spirit. In preparation for chemo #3 next Tuesday, I have another acupuncture session scheduled as well as another detoxifying yet sensitive facial. The last two pieces of the holistic healing puzzle I have to focus on are nutrition and exercise. For I can not control many things right now, but I can control what I put in my mouth, and I can control how many times I lace up my workout shoes. It's a tough piece of the puzzle, because as you are going through such an emotionally and physically taxing journey like this, those are the things that are the first to go. However, if I do my best now, perhaps it will help in the healing. I have no expectations of perfection, but I will definitely do the best I can each day.

Friday I had an appointment with a wonderful holistic nutrition counselor that my breast cancer surgeon referred me to. She is also a nurse practitioner, and the first appointment was really more of a get-to-know you consultation, so she could get a sense of me, my medical history, my lifestyle. I will meet with her again to really plan things out in terms of food--meals, snacks, etc. Her goal is to provide me with the tools I need to go off and do this myself. So I will meet with her one more time and then hopefully have the tools I need to navigate myself.

While I won't get in to all of the details, the main gist of our discussion was not a surprise. For me, now, going through chemo, I really need to focus on an organic, cooked food diet. I can explore detox and raw foods once I am done, but for now I need to nourish my body with the healthiest foods possible. We are currently a "kind of" organic household. I always buy organic milk and eggs, and sometime vegetables and sometimes meat, but after talking with her, I will no doubt do my best to always buy organic meat and produce. And I will make time to cook nutritious meals and limit any processed food. While I am allowed to still enjoy a nice meal out with friends guilt-free, I am going to do my best to limit those. And alcohol. And sugar. And, of course, drink loads and loads of water. If I put an orange slice in my water, do you think it will taste anything like a Blue Moon? Doubtful. But it's all part of it, right?

She provided me with a very interesting list that I thought I would share. After all, it might be interesting to learn something while reading this little blog of mine! The "Dirty Dozen" is a list of produce to always buy organic...
peaches, apples, sweet bell peppers, celery, nectarines, strawberries, cherries, lettuce, grapes, pears, spinach, potatoes
The "Cleanest 12" is a list of produce that is probably OK to not be organic...
onions, avacado, sweet corn, pineapple, mango, sweet peas, asparagus, kiwi, bananas, cabbage, brocolli, eggplant
Interesting information...I thought anyway.

In addition to nutrition, she told me I really needed to slow down. In just a short hour, she had me pegged. Holistic healing is not just about food. It's also about taking care of your self. Your spirit. You. This was no surprise to me. I know I need to slow down. I know I need to put myself first sometimes. She provided me with a "Get Slow" list (you know how I love lists!) and I try to start each day by reading this list, and reminding myself of what's important. It's all about priorities, or so I convince myself of that!

A couple of my favorite suggestions on this list include: let the phone ring several times before answering...set aside one night a week for yourself...never pack your schedule so there is no room for a short walk...light candles before you start to cook dinner...sit for a moment with your eyes closed when you start your computer...and always jump at the chance to play with a child. I have really taken that last one to heart!

My husband and I are huge movie buffs, and now our children are quickly turning in to movie buffs as well. More often than not, the kids will have movie nights on the weekend, and it will provide us with an hour or so of time to do something else. But during the rainy spots of this weekend, I turned off the computer, put the phone away, and we all got in to comfys, snuggled up on the couch and watched the movie "Enchanted." We all adored this movie. So much in fact I would estimate we watched it at least four times, and each time we found a new funny scene that we had missed before. At more than one point, we found ourselves belly laughing, belting out the melodies, and dancing around the living room. I am sure if anyone peeked in our living room they would have thought we were nuts. But there was really nothing like it! Even my husband, who at first was saying with a dreaded sigh, "This movie again!?" found himself foot tapping and humming along towards the last vieweing of the weekend. I strongly suggest singing out loud and dancing around the room. It really does lift the spirits, and the kids think it's pretty great.

The sun is now starting to rise, and I know my little cherubs will rise and shine momentarily. I am working this week, and am looking forward to an all-around normal week. My head is in a good place. My heart is happy. And life is great. Here's to a fresh new week!

Six Degrees of Separation...

I do not believe in coincidence. I believe that things happen for a reason. I believe in divine intervention. I believe in God's plan. And as I pledged my faith and turned control over to Him at the onset of my journey, I have been witness to this first hand over and over during the last few months.

A few weeks ago, I made two new friends, L and P, at the wig boutique. (Check out the Wigging Out entry from September 8.) I was so touched by my experience with them, so we exchanged contact information, where I had included the URL for my blog. The next morning, my friend Satchel called me from California where she was visiting. She had received an early morning call from one of her friends in her neighborhood, and asked her if she was Satchel. As it turns out, L is the mother-in-law of Satchel's friend. L had sent her the URL for Scarlett's Journey, and some how she put the puzzle together. This is not random...rather the angels putting the plan in motion!

Weeks ago, L, P, and I had made lunch plans for this afternoon. I was so looking forward to catching up with them! It is as though I have known these ladies for years, and I find comfort knowing that L and I are going through chemo at the same time. My friends and family have been an amazing support, but there are times someone needs to be wearing the same shoes to understand how it truly feels. As I walked in to the beautiful restaurant this afternoon, I was in complete shock to see Satchel standing there, awaiting my arrival with her friend, L, P and their friend. It was such a pleasant surprise that they had all planned. My two special worlds collided in complete harmony.

As the six of us sat together, dined on scrumptious cuisine, and shared interesting conversation, I was in awe by the six degrees of separation. Here was a group of six women who were all connected one way or another. It was so seamless!

To add one more piece to the puzzle that is the plan, L and I are scheduled to have our next round of chemo on the exact same day at the exact same time at the exact same place. Satchel is my chemo buddy for that day, and P will be joining L (I believe). I'm not sure the chemo infusion room at Cancer World is ready for what they have in store on October 7! We'll have to see who gets the corner window seat. (ha)

It made me stop and think. What if I had met L in the CW waiting room? Or during a chemo treatment? If I had not met them in the wig boutique, would I have met them somewhere along this journey? I believe the answer is a most definite YES. There are just way too many similarities. It is not my place to question or wonder, just to give thanks. And to continue to seek guidance and divine intervention during this surreal journey I am on.

It's a small world after all.

Harsh, but Fair...

Hellloooooooooooooooo! It's been a few days since I've posted, and I know some of you are starting to worry! All is fine. Today was a great day and I feel like I have successfully cleared round two of chemo. Here's an update from the last few days...

The smiles of Friday quickly turned to a weekend of late breaking side effects. My gigantic appetite was off-set by a very sour stomach through the weekend. It could be much worse...after all the nausea and fatigue were under control, or at least I convinced myself of that as I attempted to keep up with myself and my own expectations.

And then there was a new a side effect of chemo that the oncologist neglected to mention -- Ability to go from sweet to nasty in an instant. Extreme bitchiness. The worst part is, I knew when I turned bitchy. It was as though I was watching myself have a temper tantrum in slow motion. And I would say to my loved ones, "I know I'm being a total bitch. I'm so sorry, I just can't help it." As I thought more about it, if you are aware that you are in a bad mood, and are apologizing for being a bitch as you are barking, then perhaps you are not really a bitch. Perhaps you are just experiencing delayed side effects from chemo. Perhaps you really are exhausted and instead of going about your weekend like it's any other Saturday, you should really be on the couch resting. Perhaps you are a young woman, mom, wife, friend, daughter, sister who has breast cancer and is recovering from round two of chemo yet trying to keep up your normal pace. As my dear friend Sweet Cheeks would say, "Harsh, but fair."

Aside from the aforementioned, we had a great weekend. After the usual Saturday morning soccer game, my husband and I had the opportunity to run errands and visit two specialty stores to make selections for our house that we are renovating. I had limited energy, but it was a fun distraction before we all settled in to a nice family nap, and later ventured to our neighborhood block party. After a couple of hours, I hit a wall and it was time to come home and rest. Harsh, but fair.

Sunday was a beautiful fall day, and we had a clear calendar, so we ventured to Cox Farm, the local farm/pumpkin patch. It was the opening weekend of the Fall Festival, and the kids had a wonderful time riding the tractor, venturing through the corn maze, racing down the slides, and watching all of the animals. It was a morning of laughter and good times, only to be halted by tears streaming down my face, hidden by my sunglasses, and my cracked voice pleading, "We have to go NOW." I could not stand another minute in this wig of mine as the crisp fall morning turned in to a hot sunny day. It was either leave the farm now, or watch me take off this wig in front of everyone and reveal this bald head. Harsh, but fair.

As I have mentioned before, this wig thing is getting really annoying. I miss my long locks. But I won't spend a lot of time whining about the obvious. I need to take some lessons from my children. As my nearly six year old son, O, and I shared a quiet morning together, he said, out of the blue, "Mommy, I love your beautiful bald head." OMG are you serious? Talk about making a mother's heart swell with love and pride. He follows it later with, "Mommy, I love your big, beautiful brown eyes." My mom and I just looked at each other and started laughing. Are you kidding me that he could be so sweet and sensitive? That at nearly six years old, he knew his mom could use a little pick me up. When we sat at lunch at a local restaurant, he said, "Mommy, why don't you take your wig off." I said, "Well Honey, we are at a restaurant. I will do that in private." He replied, "But Mommy, we are all comfortable with it. Go ahead." I'm not sure he knew exactly what he was saying, but it made me pause for a minute. Needless to say, I kept the wig on during lunch! Out of the blue later that day, my three year old daughter, Cookie, said, "Mommy, take your hair off. I want to rub it and give it kisses." So sweet! They are so used to seeing me bald that it does not even phase them anymore. I am still their mom and they love me unconditionally whether I have good hair, bad hair, fake hair, no hair. It is such a natural concept for them to embrace. Yet such a difficult one for me to. I feel fine when I walk around my house bald as the day I was born. Yet I catch a glimpse in the mirror and I gasp. OMG who is that person staring back at me!? Harsh, but fair.

This morning I woke up with a spring in my step. I was full of energy and was feeling better than I had in, well, a week! I ventured over to a very crowded Cancer World for a CBC. (Fast forward--all of my counts are great. Yea!) I was actually excited about going to CW today because I knew I'd get to see some of my new friends. As I was getting my blood drawn by my favorite tech, I was telling her how white my bald head is. As we giggled and told stories, I said, "Wanna see it?" Before I knew it, as she was drawing my blood, off goes my wig. She started giggling at the fact that I was sitting in a very crowded room with a needle in my arm, flinging my wig off. I think I caught a few patients off guard. In fact, I know I did! A nice older lady was sitting across from me, waiting for her blood draw. As she watched my wig fly off my head, she smiled and said, "I had no idea that you were wearing a wig! It looks so natural!" I just smiled and said, "Bless you! That is just what I needed to hear." She then told me that I looked beautiful bald. While I did not believe her, it was nice to hear those words from a stranger. Harsh, but fair.

I will leave you with a final jack ass story of the day. After CW, I had to stop by the tile store to meet with the designer to finalize the tile selections for our two bathrooms. After an hour long meeting, I hopped in my car and caught a glimpse of myself in the rear view mirror. As I was driving earlier that day, the bangs from my wig were driving me crazy, so I grabbed one of Cookie's bows that was sitting in my car to get the bangs out of my face. I neglected to realize that I forgot to take the bow out of my hair, and during the entire hour long meeting, I had a huge pink bow in my hair. I was mortified! So I ran back in to the store and said to the ladies in there, "OMG! I can't believe that you did not tell me I had my three year old's bow

in my hair for the last hour!" She just smiled and said, "Well some people like to accessorize!" It was hysterical and I was mortified. I said, "OK here's the deal. I have breast cancer. I am undergoing chemo, and this is a wig. These silly bangs were in my way and I totally forgot that I had put my daughter's bow in my hair. Next time you see me, please let me know if I look this ridiculous!" The three ladies just looked at me...and could not tell whether to laugh, smile, hug me, or cry. Perhaps I did not need to tell them the whole story. But for some reason, I did. Harsh, but fair.

Come a Long Way...

Friday night after Tuesday chemo...take two. I was just thinking about how frightened, sore, emotional, and scared I was just three weeks ago. And now, I'm fine. Tired, but fine. It's all relative. I am healing physically but also emotionally on such a huge level. 

I have no major subject to analyze tonight...no major health update to offer. I guess that is a triumph in and of itself! I am finding myself more comfortable in my skin. "Don't my boobs look great?" and "So, do you want to see my bald head?" seem to be questions that have come out of my mouth to my friends and loved ones that I have seen this week. For such personal, private changes to myself, I find that in the grand scheme of LIFE, it is what it is. Now mind you, I am not going to frame a picture of myself bald and put it on the mantle. But I am trying hard to not let it get me down. 

I am thankful that the weather is cooling down. I have always messed with my hair all day long...up, down, clip, pony tail...you name it. I am finding that things have not changed that much, sans hair. Today my husband and I were running a quick errand, and as soon as we got in the car I ripped my wig off. UGH, get this thing off my head! I seem to go from scarf to wig to hat to bald to wig to...you get the gist. The story here is that I am learning to be confident in my own skin. If I wear a wig and it looks great...great. If I wear a wig and someone things I have a wig on...who cares. 

I had very special visitors today.  The parents of my BFF growing up were in town and they took time out of their visit to come see me. I have known them since I was three years old, and they were like my second family growing up. It is amazing that over 30 years have passed, yet they are still people I can share anything with. I was especially happy to share a smile and many hugs, and offer reassurance that I am fine. Their daughter has been such a huge part of my healing energy even from across the miles! As I look at my Cookie and her little friends, I hope that I am still in touch with them 30+ years from now. Wow. 

I also had a few great catch up conversations with some of my peeps. It was so great to hear about things other than ME. Other than bald heads. Other than cancer. I am craving normal, and I am honestly sick of hearing about myself. I'm kind of over talking about and thinking about cancer. Is that terrible? The time I spent engaged in THEIR goings on was such a welcomed activity. My friends just make me smile. Have I mentioned lately how amazing the people are in my life? Just typing and thinking about them just has me shaking my head and smiling. Not only are they are my rock...but they rock!

Aside from fatigue, the other side effect is my thirst. It is like a bad hangover! I am so thirsty but nothing really quenches my thirst or hits the spot. But if this is the worst complaint I have from round two of chemo, I'll consider myself blessed!

I am off to bed once again, but I wanted to let you know that I'm doing fine. I haven't cried since the hair episode, and I find myself smiling more and more. Is that OK? Women with cancer can smile, be happy, and be confident. Cancer messed with the wrong lady. It may get me down from time to time, but it has no chance of keeping me down. I've come a long way.

Pins and Needles...

I woke up this morning, touched my head, and realized that yesterday and the last few months have not been a dream. I am still in disbelief that I am bald! For a woman who has spent most of her life with a mane of hair, this is a surreal experience. 

I had to venture over to CW for my Neulesta shot. This is the liquid gold injection that boosts my WBC. I say liquid gold because this one little shot is valued somewhere between $3000-$7000. Thankfully I have great insurance and get it for free. Going through all of the insurance claims reminds me how blessed I am to have good insurance. It also makes me pause and pray for those who have a similar diagnosis without healthcare. I simply can't imagine. 

After my injection, I ventured over to the chemo nurse who I have bonded with. Just the other day I showed off my pixie, and today I donned my faux long brown locks. "Do you want to see my cue ball?" I asked. Before I knew it, I took the wig off and showed off my slick, white head...in the middle of the chemo infusion room with many lookers on. She smiled and said I looked good bald. Ha, nice try. As I put my wig back on, I saw a very sweet couple watching me. I said, "Hello there! I just shaved my head yesterday." Turns out she was having her first chemo treatment for breast cancer, and was facing this same hair style. I offered some tips on timing and process. Her husband was so sweet, as well, and diligently wrote down my advice on the Aveda Rosemary Mint Shave Lotion! I spent a good twenty minutes with this delightful couple. I am still in awe at the people I'm meeting along the way. I will be thinking of them next Friday night as they drink margaritas and her husband shaves her head.

Then, it was off to acupuncture. I became close with a wonderful acupuncturist several years ago, and recently found myself dialing her number to share my news. She encouraged me to come in for some treatments to help align my points to help with the side effects of chemo, and to also work on visualization for emotional healing. I am a firm believer in Western medicine, but also believe that healing from within, spiritual healing, and the holistic healing options from Eastern medicine have many credentials, which I have witnessed and experienced first hand.

As I laid on the table, she was working on some of my points that needed some TLC. As she placed the sterile pins in my points, the soothing music played and the smell of the aromatherapy candle filled the air. It was not more than a few minutes and I fell sound asleep. It was such a peaceful and healing 45 minutes. It really helped clear my head, and I know this will help me find full health and healing. I will visit her every other week for acupuncture, and I'm looking forward to it for sure!

As I left the building, Satchel greeted me and we grabbed a quick bite and headed out for a walk around the area. Even though my fatigue started to grow, I knew a walk, some good conversation, and the fresh air of the fall day would do some good. And it did. I hugged her good-bye and headed home. Finally, it was a good time for a long nap on the couch.

I was awakened by the sounds of my happy children returning from school. They came over to give me big hugs and were in need of rubbing and kissing my bald head. After dinner, I put on my hat wig and went for an evening stroll with O. As he grabbed my hand, he said, "Mommy, even though you are bald, I still love you more than anything." And as we came home, Cookie kept kissing my bald head. The love of my children, and innocent comments and gestures like this are surely the best medicine.

Off to sleep and heal. Rest assured, I'm doing fine!

Chemo #2...Fun times

What a difference a day makes. I seem to say that a lot these days with this emotional roller coaster I am on!

After I left you late last night, I stood in the mirror and proceeded to run my fingers through my hair and shake my head until massive amounts of pixie dust fell in to a huge pile. I managed to finally fall asleep shortly before 4am before I did anything (more) foolish. I had to get my head shaved today...some how..by some one. In desperation, I sent Rose a late night text asking her to bring her clippers and we would get it done before or after chemo.

I woke up a few hours later to get the day started. Since chemo was at 9:15am, my mom was nice enough to take the kids to school. I had my chemo bag and laptop packed and was in better spirits as I awaited Rose's arrival. She came right on schedule and off we went to Cancer World for my second chemo treatment out of six total I will have through December.

After I checked in, she presented me with a most special gift. There are a group of friends in my life from high school. Fourteen of us ladies met somewhere between the ages of three years old and eighth grade, and we have all been very close friends ever since. Through the celebrations and the sorrows, we have all been there for each other. And believe me there have been many of both. Since high school and during every social gathering together since, we have joined arm-in-arm in a giant circle and belted out the song Lean on Me. That is on my healing playlist for sure. Since my diagnosis, this group of special ladies have gathered around me for prayers, love, support, dinners, chemo gift baskets, emails, phone calls, visits, etc. Today I was presented with a beautiful hand made blanket that was so inviting to snuggle up underneath. It had each of their names embroidered on it along with a special message for me. "There is a miracle called friendship that dwells within the heart." The chemo room is quite chilly, so this is not only unbelievably beautiful, touching, thoughtful, and special...it is also very practical! I plan to bring it with me to the remainder of my sessions so I can stay warm, and have them all around me. So many people in the chemo room complimented it, and I proudly told them the story of this special keepsake, and the special friends I have known for 22-33 years.

Onward we ventured in to the chemo infusion room. We settled in to our end unit, and I snuggled under my new, cuddly blanket. Thankfully once again, accessing the port was quick and painless. For as much as I despise the inch long incision on my chest, and the protruding bump, it really comes in handy for administering chemo. Rose and I had a great time together today. Since regular trips to the spa for pedicures are out for me right now, she got out her scarlett red nail polish and painted my toes. Now if that is not unconditional love, I don't know what is! We managed to have great conversation and many laughs. Especially when we stumbled upon some new fuzzy knit caps, and had a good time taking photos in them. The entire chemo session lasted about two and half hours. This left us plenty of time to head out to one of our favorite restaurants. As she was driving along, I pulled a Kimberly Shaw and ripped off my wig, only to shock her with an upclose and personal view of my pixie gone patchwork lack of hair. We both laughed out loud! (Click here to view the classic scene from Melrose Place). As I primped my wig, we went to lunch enjoyed some delicious food and continued some great conversation.

When we arrived back home, my mom was awaiting us...awaiting the next task at hand. I removed my wig, Rose grabbed the clippers, and we all headed out to the porch to get the job done. She is quite the master at the clippers, and buzzed my hair down as low as it would go with clippers. It was much easier than the big cut of last week. No alcohol. No drama. No tears. Just a lot of buzzing. It was now time to get it down to cue ball, so we grabbed the shave cream, a new razor, a washcloth and a warm bowl of water. This is pure trust, to have your friend shave your head with a new razor. But I trust her with my life and she was taking this very seriously. As she shaved my head, I felt so free. (Ladies and gents, if you have never tried Aveda Rosemary Mint Shave Cream, it is a must. It is really the best product for men and women. My head was tingling for hours! It was heaven.)

Thirty minutes later there was no more pixie dust. Just a nice, smooth bald head. It is surreal to look in the mirror and comprehend that the person staring back is me. Just a week ago I had very long, thick, dark hair, and today I have a freshly shaved cue ball! I think we all have that curiosity to imagine what we'd look like bald. It is quite interesting I might say. And it feels really really comfortable!

My mom was nice enough to pick up the kiddos so I could take a shower and clean up after the big shave. I said my good byes to Rose and off she went to head home. (Want to know why I call her rose? Click here! She has always been my fellow techie friend, and when we saw this commercial we laughed and said when we are 80, we'll still be engaging in the latest communication technology together!)

When the kids arrived home, they were full of stories of their fun days. I said, "I have a surprise for you! Take off my scarf." O came over and ripped it off. "You're bald!" he exclaimed! "Touch it" I encouraged. They both touched my head, giggled, and even gave it kisses. Cookie went to grab the lotion and gave me a moisturizing head massage. It was great to see that they were not phased by the sight of my bald head. I am still Mommy, not some freaky, scary bald lady. I think the open communciation we have had with them, especially during family dinners and bedtime prayers has really helped them to get used to the idea that mommy is healing. They have never heard the word "cancer" and don't need to know all of the details...just that I have a boo boo and I am healing and I am still their mom who loves them more than they could possibly fathom. For they are who I am fighting for. 

So I end today a happy person. Bald but blessed. Tired but delighted in knowing that most of unknowns are now revealed. I predict that I will be feeling a little rough the rest of the week, but I am going to do my part to be a good patient and stay ahead of the symptoms. I will continue to pray for healing and strength, and find comfort and support from all of my amazing family and friends who continue to humble me with their unending love and support.

My to-do list is getting shorter and shorter. As for chemo, two down, four to go! I can do this! To be honest, I really look forward to chemo day. Satchel and Rose have been such great chemo buddies. I don't think chemo is supposed to be fun, but for some reason they have offered comfort and support along with smiles, giggles, fun memories, and good times. So as we continue to visualize that the chemo is eating any angry cancer cells, I get to have uninterrupted quality time with my BFFs. Sounds like a good deal to me. I am so very blessed. Please keep up the prayers and positive energy. They are working! 

For my inspiration tonight, I'll reflect on the message from my high school friends and give thanks for all of my amazing family and friends.

There is a miracle called friendship that dwells within the heart.

Twas the Night Before Chemo...

Twas the night before chemo

When all through the house

Not a creature was stirring

Except for the girl who was shedding, trying to control her racing mind (and hands), exhausted but not sleepy, and hoping and praying the Ativan would kick in sooner versus later.

Today started as a Great Day. I dropped the kids off at school, ran a quick errand (and ran in to my friend Marie...fun!), and headed over to my plastic surgeon. I was rockin' the pixie once again, and I was finally getting the hang of styling my new doo. However, I did notice it was thinning more and more. I have been blessed with a massive amount of hair, simply because most people would have been bald a week ago, yet I still have a ton of hair on my head. Well I did this morning.

OK...back to the plastic surgeon's office. I really loved seeing the ladies at the front desk and the nurse. Once you share your deepest trials with strangers, they become your confidants...your allies...your friends. It was time to get the girls pumped up. I had a lovely conversation with my doc. As she grabbed the syringe filled with saline, injected the three inch needle in to my breast, and pumped them up one by one, we talked about many of the life lessons I've learned in the last few months. We talked about love, life, relationships, and of course, the girls. She has big plans for them! In all honesty, they look great. I know many women mourn the loss of their breasts in situations like this, and that is fair. For me, I have been jerked around emotionally by chemo, the side effects, and the hair loss that to me, it is not that big of a deal. Or perhaps that is what I have myself believing because one person can only take so much in such a short amount of time. I love that I don't have to wear a bra. I love that my cleavage is perfectly aligned with my collar bone. It's the small (or not so small) things!

OK enough about the girls. I came home and did some work, and Satchel stopped by for a quick lunch to say hi. It was great to see her since it has been a while with her being out of town. She checked out the pixie first hand, and it was great to just visit, albeit too short of a visit as we never run out of things to talk about.

As she left, I continued to work. I had a lot of loose ends to tie up before chemo week and recovery. After a chaotic afternoon and evening, the house once again was silent. I found myself working, only to grow very frustrated which led to a late night call to one of my nocturnal Bosom Buddies. We had a delightful bitch fest about life, love, work, cancer, and all that sucks about it. As I laughed and grew tired, I found myself in a foul mood. Poor Rose. She is going to have a handful to deal with tomorrow at chemo. (Well in a few short hours, actually.)

As I got up to use the loo, I noticed that I had hair all over my shoulders. I was absolutely repulsed at all of the pixie dust that surrounded me. As I stood before the mirror, I saw the one thing I dreaded. My hair is dead. Yet it's simply holding on due to the sheer volume. The crazy OCD person in me started pulling it out in clumps. I hated seeing all the bald spots and here I was, standing in front of the mirror at 1am, shaking and shedding hair. So I did what any person would do...I called my sister. No shock, she was still awake, aimlessly watching late night television and waiting for the caffeinated effects of Excederin to wear off. I confessed my latest fit...as I stood in the mirror with the phone propped up to my ear. Tears flowed as I was describing the shedding pixie dust, and pointing to the growing bald spots as if she could see them through the phone. I asked if there was any way she would come over NOW with her clippers. She reasoned with me, and told me to take a deep breath. I was now on to my $500 wig that Eileen had styled. I grabbed the kitchen shears and starting doing the one thing Eileen forbade me to do. I tried to trim the front area. I was having the hardest time styling the wig...maybe because it's not real hair...maybe it's because these products don't hold a candle to the ones I'm used to...maybe because I'm exhausted, and I have to be up in a few hours to head to my CHEMO appointment.

My sister gently talked me off the ledge by suggesting I put down the shears, take my Ativan, and get some much needed sleep. (BTW I have been ordered by the oncologist to take Ativan the night before chemo!) Since the Ativan has yet to work it's magic, the only thing I could do was write. I may regret posting this tomorrow, or the day after that, or the day after that. But as I mentioned earlier, this is part of the journey. Not every day can be full of pep and energy. It is taking everything out of me not to jump in the shower with my Aveda shave cream and Venus razor. I have a feeling that would end in a bloody disaster! It is taking every bit of control not to jump in the shower and shampoo my hair until there is nothing left on my head. But the thought of wet hair all over me leaves me in a state of absolute disgust. (Did I mention dogs and cats will never reside in our home?!) I will call Eileen first thing tomorrow, and if she doesn't have time for a quick shave then I'll head to the salon at the wig shop. It's TIME. All I know is that thank God it's just pixie dust and not long, thick locks. That might set me over the edge.

While I sound like I'm falling apart, I'm not. I am going to head in to chemo tomorrow with positive energy and good spirits. For it is another check mark on my to-do list. It is one step closer to healing. And I'll have some good bonding time with Rose. Although at this point since I have to be up in less than five hours, perhaps a nap will be in order. 

I am too exhausted for inspiration tonight. I just ask that tomorrow you pray for me...think of me...or drink for me! For I get strength from everyone around me. And this, too, shall pass. 

Pixie Dust...

Nearly a week ago, I was in disbelief that the day had arrived for me to cut off my hair. In the past five days, I've embraced my new pixie cut, and have almost gotten used to the reflection staring back at me in the mirror. Now mind you, I look forward to the day where I have a need for a pony tail holder. But for now, getting used to this new pixie doo has been quite a triumph.

The last day or so, I find myself looking at short dark hairs all around me. In the sink. On the floor. On my pillow. On my clothes. And then I realize it's my hair. Pixie dust. I am finally getting used to my new cut, and it's almost time to say good-bye to the little hair I have left. To be honest, this whole hair cutting experience has been a good one in a weird way. First, it is a sign that the chemo is working. If it's killing my hair cells, then it's killing any angry cancer cells that may be floating around in my body. I can honestly say chemo is the only thing that would have made me cut my hair. I have had to dig deep and find my inner strength. And to be honest, aside from the fact that I don't love this haircut on me, it's not that big of a deal in the grand scheme of life. It's been interesting to see how I look with short hair. It has been eye-opening to how much time, money and energy I spent washing, drying, curling, and styling my hair. Showering and getting ready is quick and easy. And I am never wondering how my hair looks. I never look for something to pull my hair back to beat the heat. I can now understand why women who rock the short hair never go back.

OK. Enough about the hair already. I have a call in to Eileen to get it shaved this week. No martinis. No posse. Just a quick buzzzz and finally get it done. I have so much hair, so I have no idea how long it will take for it all to come out. I'm not sure I can deal with the patchy, sickly look. And I'm not sure how much longer I can deal with pixie dust sprinkled all around me. I am so thankful that it's very short and not super long. Now that would freak me out. In a weird way, I'm curious to see how I'll look bald. Again, I can honestly say chemo is the only way I'd ever shave my head. And I know it will grow back. So at least I can say I know what I look like bald.

This is another big week ahead. My second round of chemo is on Tuesday, and I find myself nesting in preparation. Laundry...check. Grocery shopping...check. Pay bills...check. Pack chemo bag...check. Clean room...sniff sniff...check. My mom came in to help me clean my room because I kept putting it off. I had to set up an area for my wigs, and had to make room for my new accessories. It was time to put away some things that I will not need for a long, long time. I packed up my hair dryer, my jumbo hot rollers, my big round brushes...my mom took them away to store them until I am ready (and needing) to use them again. It was really, really sad. Out of sight, out of mind...onward we go.

I started to ponder how far I've come since my diagnosis on July 2. In a little over 10 weeks, I have experienced more than I ever could have imagined. Doctor consults, surgery to remove and reconstruct my breasts, hair loss, surgery to implant a port, chemo, more appointments. That is a lot...all while continuing my life as a woman, wife, mother, daughter, sister, neice, friend, co-worker. I decided that it was time to appreciate how far I have come in my journey. Once we tucked in the kids, I said, "Mom, grab the markers. It's time to make a To-Do list, and make some checks." So I sat on the couch with my mom, and we reflected on how much we accomplished in the last 10 weeks. It was really quite amazing to look at it this way. While five more chemo treatments seem daunting, I will have one more checked off my to-do list in just a couple of days. For a Type A list maker, this was very therapeutic. Now when I get overwhelmed, I will just glance at my list, give myself a pep talk and remind myself, "You can do this. Look at how far you have come."

Earlier today, I took Cookie on a walk. As music filled my head once again, my mind was completely swirling with so many thoughts...many of which I wrote about this evening. I was thinking a lot about this blog, and how therapeutic it has been for me to take the clutter out of my head and put it down in to words. I know as I continue to reflect on where I have been, I will appreciate how far I have come. As I was thinking those very thoughts, my iPod shuffled to John Mayer's song, Say. I have heard that song hundreds of times, but at that very moment, the lyrics really spoke to me. Clarity. I am finding that the words of songs that I have heard over and over have entirely new meaning to me.

So tonight, I am leaving with this inspiration...yet another song that is part of my healing journey. Stay tuned for my healing playlist...suggestions welcomed! In the meantime, I will continue to say what I need to say...

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems,
Better put ‘em in quotations

Say what you need to say [x8]

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead,
If you could only . . .

Say what you need to say [x8]

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You’d better know that in the end
Its better to say too much
Then never say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say [x24]

Work It, Work It...

What a difference a day makes.

I thought a lot about what I wrote yesterday. And then I said to myself, "Who is this girl, anyway?" It's certainly not me.

While ripping that wig off in the middle of the store was liberating, the fact that I looked down and could not walk with confidence or look anyone in the eye was disappointing. That is not me! I have always been a confident woman, why would it be any different without my hair?

Since I got my locks chopped, many people have had lots to say. "You have been hiding behind your hair all these years." or "You are so much more than your hair." or "Hair or no hair, you still the same person inside." That really got me thinking.

In college, we used to joke around and paraphrase the great line from Pretty Woman, "Work it, work it. Own it, own it. Check me out, Yo!" That kept going through my mind over and over. It also made me laugh because it had me thinking about my crazy college peeps. 

Do what you can with what you have, where you are. Right now, I have some hair. In a week, most likely I will have to go for the shaved cue ball look. Once I am bald, I will be wishing I had this sassy pixie haircut. And again, once I am done with chemo and starting to grow my hair back, I'll wish I had this much hair. I look forward to having long hair again some day...sooner versus later I hope! As much as I miss my hair, this is my reality, for now. I have two choices...I can curl up in my house and feel sorry for myself, or I can embrace this opportunity to really take a look at myself and have moments of self reflection. Self discovery. If you believe in yourself, stand tall, and look people in the eye with confidence, they will believe you. I thought I'd take that for a test drive.

Yesterday afternoon I went in for my facial, sans wig, and she did an amazing job. One of the perks of chemo is that I can treat myself to detoxifying, sensitive facials and feel spoiled while healing. It was a decadent hour, and one that not only helped my face glow, but it relaxed my body and invigorated my spirit. It is not often that I have an hour where I am experiencing complete relaxation without my mind racing. I was in heaven! I then went to the post office and mailed off my eight braids to Locks of Love. When the post office lady asked if there was anything fragile, blah blah blah, I said, "No, it's just my hair." She said, "That is so wonderful. My six year old niece just donated her hair." 

Later that evening, I ventured to Wegman's, a gigantic grocery store, to buy food for a special anniversary dinner. As I was getting ready to head out the door, I left my wig behind. And as I went to the grocery store and talked to the many people in the specialty foods department, I held my head high, looked them in the eye and pretended nothing was weird. So, they did not treat me weird. It made me realize that among strangers, I'm just a woman with a short hair cut. I'm not a woman who just cut her hair off. I'm not a chemo patient. I'm just a woman shopping. It's amazing how standing tall, acting confident, and owning your look can really help one's self confidence. I am more than hair. And this is not my fault. I have nothing to be ashamed of. I did nothing to bring this on. 

This morning, I had an appointment with my oncologist, and then decided I would head in to the office. I have been fortunate to work from home, so facing the office has not been in my sight for months now. But I had a few things to take care of in the office and it was time to venture in. 

As I got ready to leave for my busy day, I applied full make up, donned my big silver hoops, styled my new pixie doo with some gel, and got dressed. As I packed up my kids, my medical notebook, and my laptop bag, I grabbed my wig and headed out the door. When it was time to head to the bus stop, I left the wig in the car. The kids could have cared less -- they barely noticed. My husband and I then ventured to Cancer World. Again, I decided to leave the wig in the car. Work the pixie! As we walked towards the Cancer World building, we ran in to my plastic surgeon in the garage (her office is in the same bulding as CW). It was so great to see her! I said, "Don't my girls look good? I can't wait to see you on Monday to get them pumped up!" She just laughed. She then complimented my hair. "Your haircut is so sassy! I really love it! We don't need you any sassier!" she said. I think I'm a handful for her! 

It was then time to venture to CW. I had a very uneventful meeting with my oncologist. "OK, complain to me." she encouraged. I honestly had nothing to complain about. I did share with her the truths I have discovered. "I can handle a few days of nausea and fatigue, but let me just tell you that this whole breast cancer thing is an emotional journey, more than I could have ever expected." I told her I was ready for another chemo round next week...ready to keep checking things off my breast cancer "to do" list. Less than three months and hopefully I can put all of this behind me.

I then headed down the street to my office. My office mate was expecting me, and two of my coworkers, who are also dear friends, were in town. I sat in my car for a few moments, giving myself a pep talk. Wig? No wig. Wig? No wig? After all, only a few people at work know what's going on. Could I make it from the lobby to my office without bumping in to anyone? Do I care if I do run in to anyone? I decided to work it...own it. No wig. As I walked with my head held high, sans wig, I made a B-line to my office and closed the door. Phew, I made it! I was so glad to see my office mate, and she was so welcoming! It took a lot of strength to walk in to that building today without my wig. My two coworkers took a break from their meetings to come up and visit me and check out the new doo. They were all so encouraging and complimentary. It made me feel good. Even though I have yet to get used to being so exposed, I realized that it's just not that big of a deal to others. I just need to get over it.

I know my hair won't last much longer. And I can guarantee I will have another round of meltdowns when I am a cue ball. I will be wearing my wig, itchy or not. But until then I'll just get used to seeing so much of my face! 

I have learned a valuable lesson through all of this, which I will no doubt pass along to any future Bosom Buddy who is about to head down this chemo road. The best thing I did was cut off my hair before it fell out in clumps. And it was very smart to enlist Eileen, my talented stylist, to give me a real, beautiful haircut. I am so glad I was able to donate my hair to Locks of Love. If I had let Rose cut off my hair with her clippers in my mom's basement, I'd be in a real world of hurt! Combining some martinis, wine, friends, and a talented stylist is definitely a worthy piece of advice. Having this transition time from long hair to pixie has been key to my family and getting used to the new look. I can't wait to have my long hair back, but until then I will continue to give myself pep talks. I am still not comfortable with the reflection I see in the mirror, however I will continue to learn that my while my hair was my trademark, it is not my identity. That is a tough lesson to learn first hand.

I hope Ike slows down before it hits land. I hope and pray my loved ones in Texas stay safe and dry. In closing, my coworker said something today that really inspired me. And so, I share it with you tonight...

The light you see in the tunnel is your future...not a freight train.

A Day of Remembrance...

First, let me wish my husband a Happy 9th Anniversary today, and a Happy Birthday to my friend. When we selected our wedding date, I loved how the date 9-11-1999 flowed. For those of you who know me, you know I live for easy to remember birthdays and anniversaries! As you know, 9-11 has taken on a whole new meaning after 9-11-2001. Since that terrible day, we have a new appreciation for celebrating our anniversary. We talk about the moments we heard about the planes. We think about the thousands of people who perished that day. We think of all of the loved ones they left behind. It's sometimes difficult to have a happy anniversary on a day when thousands of people are in mourning of a terrible anniversary, and how much they miss their loved ones. So today, I celebrate the fact that I am here with my husband and loved ones. For each day is a gift. 

I am trying to give myself perspective, but this new haircut is really tough. As much as I think, "I'm alive, and I am grateful for that." I can't help but dodge the mirrors. The ironic thing is that a week from today, my thick pixie cut will have fallen out, and I will be a cue ball. I will be begging for this little pixie hair. Three months from now, when chemo will be over and I will be cancer-free by Christmas, I will be begging for this half-inch pixie hair. But today, it's tough.

Yesterday, my first day without my locks, I met my friend for lunch. We had made plans weeks before, but I had no idea I'd have done the deed by then. I called her and warned her I'd be sporting my new wig and might be wiggin' out mentally, but she encouraged me to come. So, out came my wig and I walked in to the mall with my new look. I felt so self conscious, like I had a neon sign that said, "FAKE HAIR, FAKE HAIR." But my friend made me feel good and we had a fantastic lunch together.

It was time to part ways, and I had a few errands to run in the mall. As I was walking alone, I was cursing this wig. ITCHY ITCHY ITCHY! As I made my quick return, I was halfway thorough the store and I could not take it anymore. What is worse...having this ITCHY fake hair on my head, or walking through the mall looking like a butch pixie. Before I knew it, in the middle of the store, I ripped off my wig and threw it in the bag. I had my big hoop earrings on and bright lipstick (shock) but man did I feel EXPOSED. I had two more things to return, and here I was, in the middle of a HUGE mall, sporting my new doo. I found that I could not even look people in the eye. It's not like me to do that. I'm a very direct person, and pride myself on good eye contact. Did having a full head of hair give me confidence? Did not having hair make me feel so self-conscious that I had no confidence? The ironic thing is people did not treat me differently. They did not stare. In fact, they were quite nice. But I hated every minute of it. 

I can see now why many of my Bosom Buddies say they had great wigs but hated wearing them. I'm sure when I'm a cue ball, I'll take the itchy over the bald. I am now in awe of my family and friends who have short hair cuts and look stunning. When people try my wig on they can't fathom having so much hair, yet that was nothing compared to the amount my real hair. This, too, shall pass. I can't hide out for the next nine months until I have hair again. That is not living. I just need to adjust to seeing so much of my face. So much of my self. I hate being exposed like this! I miss my hair. 

But again, I think of today, all that it holds, and I am blessed that my loved ones are near.I am thankful to be alive. And I remember all of the people who lost their lives, and all of their loved ones who are in mourning today. 

Perspective. 

A Night to Remember...

Last night was a night to remember...one I will not soon forget. I thought it would be a night of tears and sorrow, but it turned out to be a night of laughter, friendship, and ultimate unity.

I was bouncing off the walls yesterday in anticipation of the big cut. I had received an email from my aunt and uncle in Houston. In support of me, my uncle shaved his full head of sandy blonde locks to a fuzzy buzz. I was so touched at this gesture. As I looked at his before, during, and after photos, I thought, "Only he would shave his head and look 20 years younger!" He looked fantastic. And even though they are hundreds of miles away, they have been with me every step of the way. This was going the extra mile.

Meanwhile, my mom was preparing a comfort food dinner of meatloaf and cheese rice for my husband and the kids. After dinner, Mom took the kids for a long walk. While the fresh air does wonders to exude the late evening energy, I knew the real reason she was heading out was so she did not have to say good-bye to me before I headed out. She gave me a big hug and I could tell she wanted to cry. "No tears!" I said. "Out of here now! I love you!"

C arrived and I had the bags ready to go. Camera bag...check. Shopping bag full of wigs and wig styling accessories...check. Purse with wallet, make up, and lipstick...check. Fully charged iPhone...check. It was time to say goodbye to my husband. He looked at me like a sad puppy dog. As his eyes welled up, I once again said, "NO tears. We will be great."

Off we went to meet Rose at Clyde's. Ironically it is the same establishment where I met my husband all those years ago. It was great to have them both there. We called Lew and Satchel, emailed some of our fellow Hokies, and ordered up some martinis. The delicious pineapple, blueberry, and Metropolitan martinis came not a minute too soon. The best part is they went down smoothly, and quickly eased my nerves. Before I knew it, I had finished my martini...and the other two as well! I was getting more and more ready. We ordered a delish dinner and a bottle of wine. For someone who has not been drinking too much, the alcohol went down smooth as silk. 

The next thing I knew, three of my dear friends appeared at Clyde's. They slid in to the booth, and we had one last drink before we headed across the street to the salon. Eileen was awaiting our arrival with a big smile. I was happily intoxicated, and ready to face the deed. I dialed up Lew and Satchel on the phone so they could be there with us. (They stayed on the phone with us for the entire night.) I had seven of the best friends a girl could ask for around me. I had Eileen, the world's best stylist. And through the grace of God, I was empowered and ready to go. I asked Lew to pray before we started. We had a beautiful moment of prayer, silence, and final strength to get this party started.

I really wanted to donate my hair to Locks of Love. My hair was layered, but after some strategizing, we decided to put my hair in several braids and we would be able to donate all of my hair, not just a pony tail. We decided to have a little fun, as well. As the wine was flowing,we all agreed that the Billy Ray Cyrus mullet would be the first style. Eileen started braiding a wad of hair on the side of my head. Rose got to take the first snip. She started tearing up as she grabbed the razor sharp shears. I teased, "You have been waiting to do this for 20 years!" SNIP. The first braid fell in to her hand. WHEW. OK. We can do this. Next, C stepped up and grabbed the shears. SNIP. Two down. I enjoyed a brief moment with a massive combover. We pondered doing a mowhawk, but I decided that a child 

needed a wig more than I needed a picture of myself with a mowhawk. Next thing I knew, it was Ruby's turn. SNIP. I had the BEST mullet a girl could ask for.

"Where's my wine? Do I still have lipstick on?" I must have asked that a hundred times. The wine was flowing, the smiles were big, and the laughs were never ending. Next up to the plate was Marie. SNIP. Another braid fell.  Cendy and Eileen snipped, and two more braids fell. It was time for me to grab the shears. This is real power to cut off your own hair. I was a little loopy, and I know Eileen was so nervous since the shears were razor sharp! SNIP. The last braid fell. BUT, we were left with a rockin' rat tail! We were hysterically laughing that I had a super short hair cut with a 12 inch rat tail. Pictures were being snapped, wine was still flowing, and we were still laughing. I grabbed the shears and lopped off the rat tail. I looked at the pile of braids that were before me. My heart was filled with joy knowing that the hair I loved so much is going to help make a wig for a sick child. I have had it in my heart for the last year to donate my hair. And now, I was albe to donate every hair on my head--8 braids and a rat tail! It was amazing. 

Next it was time for the cut. Eileen recommended that we go with the pixie cut, and we can do the final shave in the coming 

week as it all falls out. I agreed, and she was venturing for the Halle Berry-inspired pixie cut. Let me just say that I look nothing like Halle Berry! My friends were so supportive, and in awe of my new doo. Now, mind you, I had not yet looked in the mirror -- my back had been turned through the entire process. It was time to look in the mirror, but I couldn't do it. My friends gathered around me and said, "You look beautiful. Turn around and look for yourself." I just couldn't do it. Rose looked at me straight in the eye, and with loving sternness she said, "You are in control here. Do not fear it. You are winning this fight. Embrace it." Finally, the first tear of mine finally fell. Their love and friendship gave me the strength to turn around and look in the mirror. I did, and I cried. But only for a second. I look like my twin brother! Oh boy, this is real.

It was then time to bring out the wigs. Each of the ladies tried my wig on. It looked amazing on some, hysterical on others. I am amazed how different everyone looked with the

same wig on. Eileen spent a solid 40 minutes styling my wig. It looked great! Finally, I felt like me again. 

It was time to pack up and say good-bye. Eileen has surely been a general in my healing army. There is no way I could have gotten through this without her holding the shears. I could not have done this with out my girlfriends. Through the good times and the bad, these girls have been by

my side. I am the luckiest girl in the world. And to be honest, I could not have done this without the delicious martinis and wine! 

I arrived home safe and sound just before the clock struck midnight. My mom was waiting up for me. As I took off my wig to show her my new pixie hair cut she smiled. She loved it! Well, this is not a keeper for me, but it's interesting to experience it. I feel 10 pounds lighter and my head does not know what to do!

I woke up this morning, and was a little nervous to see how my husband would react. He had a big silly grin on his face. "We have matching haircuts! I'm envious of your hairline! Man you have a lot of hair!" He gave me a big hug, and as he held me I was reassured that his love was unconditional. When Cookie woke up, she said, "Mommy did you get your hair cut?" When I told her yes, she said, "Where'd your big hair go, Mommy?" All I could do was laugh at her three year old innocence. O woke up and came out. "Is that your wig, Mommy?" I said, "No, honey it's my haircut. My wig is over there." pointing to the table. He said, "Maybe you should go put it on, Mommy!" All I could do was laugh.

I feel such relief that this HUGE check can be marked off my list. The elephant has left the room. The monkeys are off my back. WHEW. Drama is over...for now anyway! Ladies, I love you and will never forget how loved I felt that night! Thank you all for being there for me every step of the way on this journey.

Tonight is the Night...

This week will mark my ninth wedding anniversary...nine years of marital bliss with the man of my dreams that I met 17 years ago. September 11, 1999 was one of the best days of my life. I will reflect on that later in the week, but today it's all about the hair. 

My wedding day was one of my best hair days of my life! I don't care if this sounds vain...I loved my wedding hair. It was a gigantic pile of placed curls perfectly pinned to the crown of my head, adorned by a Swarovski crystal tiara. I felt like a princess. A special stylist, Eileen, styled my perfect wedding day hair. In fact, back in the day she styled many 

of my friends' weddings and hair cuts for over a decade. Nobody knows my hair better than she does.

When I was at dinner with C the other night, we were talking about my imminent hair loss. We were discussing the promise I had made to Eileen years ago. If the day came that I was ready to cut my hair, I promised Eileen that she could hold the scissors and do the deed. I was thinking more of a drastic cut like a stacked bob! Never did I imagine that it would be an appointment to shave off my hair due to chemotherapy to treat my breast cancer at 36. 

I have not seen Eileen for about a year, but as I talked with C, I could not stop thinking about her. When I think about good hair days, I always think of Eileen. C, the smart friend she is, said, "You have to call her. You have to give her the right of first refusal." She was so right. So I left a message for her, and within minutes she returned my call. Even with her 10 month old and husband at home, she said she would make time and do the deed whenever I was ready.

I was so excited that my five bridesmaids would be in town this weekend. How fantastic would it be to have the five ladies who stood by my side, nine years ago on the best day of my life, be there on this huge step in my journey. So we decided Saturday morning before the shop opened, we would all head over and get it done.

Unfortunately, things don't always go as planned. After my surreal experience with L and P yesterday, I woke up this morning ready. I think my hair is ready, as well. As I pulled the pony tail holder out of my hair, many strands came along with it. I decided to put on a

 "GI Jane" game face on. Tonight was the night. I am going to take control of the situation. I am going to cut my hair off on MY terms. I am going to regain control. I refuse to wake up to a pillow full of dark brown locks. 

I called the troops and they all cleared their schedules. The thing that breaks my heart is that two of my maids are out of town. Lew lives in Hotlanta, and Satchel is in California with family. So, we will conference them in so they can be a part of the experience. I know it is breaking all of our hearts for them not to be here. And I am so disappointed that my hair could not wait until Saturday. But as I vowed before, I will continue to trust my gut and know that my friends will be with us in spirit.

C is going to pick me up and we will meet up with Rose for dinner and many many cocktails. I have only had a few cocktails in the last few months since my diagnosis. However, tonight I plan to order whatever I want off the menu, including a delicious bottle of wine, and hang out with my maids and continue to keep a positive state of mind. We are going to meet Eileen at the salon later once it's closed, and get it done.

I am ready. I was not ready yesterday, but I am ready now. I feel empowered. My mom got out a ruler and I think there is a chance that even with all of the layers I can donate my hair. I really hope I can donate some of my hair. Nothing would warm my heart more than knowing my hair is going to make a wig for a sick child.

So, tonight around 10pm, say a toast and have a drink for me! Stay tuned for a full report. In the mean time I will work on my one-armed push ups! While the tears may fall later tonight, I am writing this all smiles. I can't wait to check this HUGE to-do off my list and move on. All elephants in the room and monkeys on my back, see you later...you are out of here!