Welcome Back!!!

I woke up this morning to a quiet house. It is such a treat to have a few minutes alone to wake up before the day begins. I soon heard the pitter patter of little feet, and before I knew it my two little angels were snuggled up next to me. We had a great chat, talked about the day, and all of the fun things we had in store. I love mornings like this! The only thing missing was Daddy, who will be home from Charlottesville soon enough (with a big USC smile on his face!)

I had a spring in my step this morning. I have not felt this great in over a month...since my surgery. I made breakfast, made my bed, brewed a fresh pot of coffee, painted Cookie's nails, organized the refrigerator... you get the gist. Now to some, that sounds daunting. For me, a Type-A list maker, it was liberating! You have no idea how hard it has been for me to sit back and be taken care of. I was in heaven as I organized. 

Welcome Back, Scarlett!!! 

For now, anyway. I will still take it easy but I have such a spring in my step knowing that I can bounce back. I am off to a pool party today, which will be fun for my son, but to be honest I am SO looking forward to hanging out with my girlfriends. I miss them terribly! I am going to behave this week as my white blood count is at its lowest, but after that I am hoping to resume visits and dinners. It's hard to keep someone like me down! 

Here's my inspiration for the day...

This is my wish for you:

Smiles when sadness intrudes

Comfort on difficult days

Rainbows to follow the clouds

Laughter to kiss your lips

Hugs when spirits sag

Sunsets to warm your heart

Friendships to brighten your being

Beauty for your eyes to see

Faith so that you can believe

Confidence when you doubt

Patience to accept the truth

Courage to know yourself

Love to complete your life

Have a blessed and glorious day!

Fight On...

Today is a new day...a happy day!

First, let me wish my beautiful little Cookie a Happy 3rd Birthday! I can't believe how time has flown by, and how much she has grown! She is my joy and we will celebrate her this weekend.

I also want to give a big Fight On shout out to the USC Trojans today. My husband is down in Charlottesville to help kick-off the college football season, and watch the USC Trojans play (and most likely pummel) the UVA Cavaliers. As a die-hard Hokie myself, as well as a wife in the Trojan Family, we hope USC prevails as a winner today. USC football is a serious subject here in our home, so I hope this is another great season for them. To be honest, there have been football seasons that I have dreaded, but this year I'm so glad that USC football will be there to offer a happy pass-time for my husband, who really deserves one!

Thanks also to his BFFs Pooch and Frenchy for coming in to town for the game. Your friendship and love is amazing. And yes, there is a reason my blog has a Cardinal and Gold color scheme! 

So, I'll leave you with this...

Fight on for ol' SC...

Fight on for Victory...

Aimless Wandering...

The human body is fragile. The human mind, I’d challenge, is even more so. Today has been a bit of fog.  As daylight broke this morning, the sounds of heavy rainfall made it difficult to pop up and get the day started.  But thanks to the miracle of modern medicine, I had managed to get a full nights’ sleep.

I was still feeling pretty OK. The joke is I’ve nursed hangovers worse than this back in the day! After some quality time with my husband, he was off on a road trip and I turned the TV off.  I was not going fall in to that trap again today.

My friend and her mother, who has been a breast cancer survivor for nearly 20 years now, wanted to stop by and check on me. I decided some fresh air might do me some good, and I was hungry, so we stopped by our local favorite restaurant and had a delightful lunch. We talked about life, love, kids, cancer…a little bit of everything.

When they dropped me off, I was exhausted so I curled up on the couch and splurged on a little nap while I had the opportunity. I was awakened by the delightful laughter and chaos of my two kids, Auntie La, and Sweetie the dog who had returned home after a fun slumber party adventure. The kids had so many funny stories to share about their special time with Auntie La. I am so glad that the kids are not phased by all the chaos that is going on right now. They have no idea that their world is up side down. And I give all the credit to my amazing family who has been so involved to keep everything “normal” in their innocent eyes.

My mom looked at me and said, “You don’t look too good.” All I wanted to do was take a shower. My chest was throbbing. My port was aching. I felt gross. So off I went in to the shower. It was there that I lost it. My giant container of Aveda conditioner is almost empty. Do I replace it? Why bother. I’m going to be bald in a couple short weeks. Tears started running down my face as the water splashed down on my hair. I found myself sobbing. I just want to be NORMAL! I want my body back. I want the port out. I don’t want to lose my hair. I don't want to have CANCER!!! I have been strong, but I’m not bionic. I’m a woman. I’m human. I’m entitled to a breakdown.

I got dressed and came out to the family room where my kids were watching a show and hanging out with Nana. It took one glance from my mom for me to lose it, once again. I tried to hold back the tears but there was no chance of that. I admitted that I hated this. Here’s it’s only the first week and I’m breaking. I’m supposed to be strong. I’m supposed to have faith. But this SUCKS.

So my mom did what any good mother would do. She grabbed my brush and brushed my hair. It's amazing that I'm 36 years old, yet one of my safe places is having my mom brush my hair. I find myself constantly stroking the hair of my children, too. So even if it is a little weird, who cares. It's my safe place. 

My little girl came up to me so gently and asked, “Why are you crying, Mommy?” All I could do was be honest. “Mommy’s sad.” She said, “Does your boo boo hurt Mommy?” And I said, “Yes. Mommy is just tired.” She said, “I love you Mommy.” And snuggled up next to me on the couch, and started rubbing lotion on my arms and legs. It’s so amazing to me how a three-year old child can be so in tune with my emotions. She snuggled right up next to me as close as she could, and watched her show while offering gentle pets to my arms and legs. It was so sweet. And it was the perfect medicine.

It is posts like this that prideful me does not want to post. However, it’s posts like these that I need to post. I need to remember I’m human. I need to remember that this too shall pass. And as we’ve been so focused on the physical healing and physical symptoms, I need to give proper attention to the emotional healing that will take place so it does not catch up on me.

My little girl is sitting here beside me now. The house is quiet. Everyone is asleep. But she will not leave me alone until I’m tucked in to bed. So I just look at her energy, and look in to her eyes, and remember this is why I’m fighting. She is what matters. She needs her Mom. Just like I need my Mom. And as thankful as she is to have me by her side tonight, I’m so thankful that I have my mom by my side tonight, too.

As Boppa told me...

If you think you are in Hell…don’t stop! Keep on goin’!!!

This too shall pass…

I'm Still Standin'...

Good evening loved ones!

Everyone is very concerned...but I'm doing fine! I have not slept a wink today. I'm a bit tired, but not sleepy! I am blaming that on the Melrose Place and 90210 reruns that I stumbled upon late this morning during nap time. The Soap Network is getting us old-timers psyched up for the 90210 Labor Day Marathon this weekend. We have the DVR set for the fall line up that starts next week. See what happens when I turn on the TV? I get no rest! If it's not 90210, it's Wheel of Fortune or Animal Planet. I was much better off in my quiet, tranquil house!!!

So...we can't blame the sleeplessness on the chemo, really. Just bad reruns.

On a side note, we did make it to Kindergarten orientation today. Needless to say it was overwhelming! Maybe I'm not ready for my baby to head to Kindergarten. But I'm sure we'll all be fine! The most disappointing part of orientation was the school supplies list...or lack thereof! They don't need supplies, just a backpack and a snack! Boo! I'll still buy him some new glue and crayons, just because it's what you do before Labor Day!

The kids are having a fun slumber party at Auntie La's tonight. We miss them -- the house is too quiet! It might be time for a sleep aid!

But as for me...I'm doing fine!

xoxo

The Day After...

Thank you all for checking in on me today. The day after my first chemo treatment has been pretty uneventful, thank God. I slept very soundly last night and woke up around 6am this morning feeling pretty good. I took a nausea pill just to “stay ahead of the symptoms” as suggested by my NP.

I curled up on the couch with my trusty laptops…yes both my Mac and work PC. I checked in and worked a bit, played with the photos I took yesterday, and caught up on some emails. I tried to watch TV but for some reason, daytime TV is really awful. Either that, or I have changed! Perhaps a little bit of both. It is not often we have peace and quiet here, so just savoring a tranquil morning alone was quite a treat.

Finally I napped for a couple of hours and woke up to the smiling face of my mom, rocking in the chair next to me, just hanging out and making sure her baby was feeling OK. I decided it was time to get some fresh air, so I laced up my new workout kicks that my husband gave me for my birthday, and off we went on a walk. Not a power walk, per se, but it felt powerful to be able to get up and exercise. This is something I have been craving for the last month since my surgery, etc. We only went about 30 minutes, but the fresh air and the nice quiet catch-up time I had with my mom was just perfect.

I had to pop over to Cancer World for my Neulasta shot. Time for your medical lesson for the day…straight from the glossy marketing material they handed to me.

“Neulasta is a white blood cell booster, a drug that helps your body made more of its own natural white blood cells to help protect you against chemotherapy-related infection. A low white blood cell count or an infection can delay your chemotherapy or keep you from getting your full dose.”

Enough of that…you get the gist. I’m doing my part to be a good patient. Eating healthy, trying to exercise a little, drinking massive amounts of fluids, resting. I only want to do this ONCE!

The kids had a fun slumber party with Mimi, and it was great to see their smiling faces this evening. I got some good cuddles and snuggles which is always the best medicine. Tomorrow is my son’s Kindergarten Open House. I am going to be an extra good patient so I can be with my husband as we take our son to meet his new teacher, tour his classroom, and greet his new friends. I LOVED school, and to me there is nothing more fun than back-to-school shopping and new school supplies. Once we get the supply list, I will try to save some energy for the store! It’s the little things in life, what can I say!

Off I go to be a good patient and get some rest. I will leave you with another favorite message from my dear friends…

I believe in mind over matter
I believe in the human spirit to prevail
I believe in miracles and blessings, both great and small
I believe in possibilities
I believe that hurdles in life are meant to be jumped over, not as something to stop us

So far, so good.

Chemo #1: Off we go!

Today was a great day to own an iPhone! Thank you all for your emails, text messages, and voicemails. Let’s take it from the top, shall we?

Camp is done for the kids, and this is their week off to play before school starts next week. I look forward to this week because it is a fun time to enjoy some special time with them before the chaotic school year and new routines begin after Labor Day. This year is particularly special since my son will be starting Kindergarten on Tuesday.
However, this whole breast cancer thing put a kink in my hookie week with the kids, starting chemo and all. Since it’s all about the kids, we planned some fun slumber parties for them this week so that they could have a fun experience, and my mom, husband and I could have a quiet house and see how I react to my new chemo treatments.
I had a fun morning playing with the kids, and off we went to meet up with their grandmother, Mimi. She has been away most of the summer, so they were very excited to spend some time with her. Off they went on an adventure!

I stopped by my favorite spa to get a last minute eyebrow wax. Weird, I know…what can I say? Look good, feel good! After my quick visit there, I went home to get ready for lunch with Satchel. I styled my hair, with hot rollers and all, and put on makeup, including some rockin’ pink lipstick that I received as a gift. As I vowed, I will be the chick who wears pink lipstick to chemo. I packed my chemo bag, with my breast cancer angel pinned to the front, filled with gifts and goodies from my loved ones. I put on my journey necklace, my healing stone bracelet, my new birthday bracelet, my new earrings, and my new lotions and spray mists. I carried prayer cards, bloodstone, and book marks and other goodies with me. I was armored with gifts from my loved ones...you were all there with me today!

My BFF Satchel came to pick me up around 11:30 am. My first chemo appointment was not until 2 pm so we had time to play. We headed to the mall and had a delicious lunch with fun conversation at our usual stomping ground, Nordstrom Café. We then did a little s

hopping around the mall and, as the time flew by, it was time to head to Cancer World. We were dolled up, laughing, and playing…enjoying our treasured “Ladies Who Lunch” afternoon.

As we pulled up to the medical building, I got a little tense, but she promised to perform her famous shuffle-tap-step dance for me, so I knew I was in good hands. As the elevator door opened to the 4th floor, Cancer World, my eyes welled up, my heart started racing. I was not sure I could step off the elevator. Suddenly the fun, normal, day-of-denial was coming to an end. I checked myself in, and we found a seat in the waiting room, filled to the brim with elderly patients. Again, it’s tough to be the only 36 year old in the Cancer World waiting room. They called me back to the treatment room, so off we went.

At 2pm, it was quite crowded. It is a big open room with recliners and guest seats. My pulse raced but S

atchel was by my side and they had a nice corner window seat waiting for us. The chemo nurses were very nice. And aside from these first 10 minutes, it was a rather uneventful 3 hours.

I was a little unsure about how they would access the port. She showed me this device that looked like a large thumb tack. She told me to take a deep breath, so I did, and, just like that, the port was accessed. Honestly I did not feel a thing.

We sat around talking, laughing, taking pictures, reading magazines and doing who-knows-what for the next 2.5 hours. I dont' know which of my amazing HS friends gave me "Why Do Men Have Nipples" book, but that offered quite a bit of humor and answers to questions we had always pondered. As for the chemo, thank God I had no immediate side-effects.

As we were leaving,

we were offered a hand knitted cap that volunteers had made, so we graciously accepted the teal and blue one, and took turns trying on the hat. We then had a great idea. 

On the evening of my shave party, we could save some long hair, glue it on to the cap, and have another hair hat. What can we say…it had been a long day!

We were feeling a bit wired so we drove to our home that is under construction, and I gave Satchel the tour. It will be so nice to move in to our newly renovated home once chemo is done…especially if I get my wish of being cancer-free by Christmas!

We then zipped back to Mom’s where she and my husband were tearfully waiting for our arrival. I think their day of being away from me, as I entered the unknown, was worse than my day of chemo. We were laughing and giggling, sharing stories of today’s adventure, and they were worried and teary. I told them, “It wasn’t bad at all! It was pretty uneventful!” Needless to say, a bottle of wine was opened, and we all decompressed on the porch while enjoying our much needed beverages. I pretended my apple juice was a delicious cocktail! I think my body has endured enough of a cocktail for one day although a glass of wine sure sounded delicious!

I am not sure when I will feel terrible, or how terrible I will feel. This is all new to me, and everyone is so different from what I hear. I will not look over my shoulder and say, “Do I feel bad yet?” Rather, I will continue to pray and keep a positive mental attitude. Most importantly, I will listen to my body, get rest, and try to get some exercise in while I feel good.

As for right now, I am here in a quiet house with my dear husband. I’m going to snuggle safely in his arms, take some happy pills, and hopefully drift off in to a peaceful slumber. One down, five to go.

The 80s...and breast cancer?!

The 80s…and breast cancer!? You will just have to read on...

Another Great Day! I was awake before the kids this morning, so I started the day quietly listening to my new anthem, Great Day, and reflecting on the crazy dreams and thoughts that danced around in my head during last night’s slumber. More on that later…

Another day, another doctor. Where have I heard that before?! I did some work this morning, and then I was off to take the kids to Chuck E. Cheese for a birthday party. I left there a bit early because I was lucky enough to have two doctor appointments! I have to say I did not mind too much, because they were in the same building, and because I am becoming friends with my doctors and their nurses. Imagine that! As my previous VP used to gently remind me, sometimes when I get nervous I tend to over-communicate. No wonder I can’t sit quietly during my blood draws! No wonder I am becoming friends with so many medical staff! No wonder I look forward to updating my new blog!

My first appointment was with my plastic surgeon. “Huh?” you might be asking as you read this. Yes, you heard it correctly. I was pretty private about the surgery I chose, but as I am growing more and more comfortable with my new body, and with the recent media attention that Christina Applegate has stirred up around breast cancer, I decided to be honest in this blog. I have learned so much, and in addition to hearing updates about me, perhaps learning a little medical information might be interesting. I am going to answer the questions that everyone is curious about but afraid to ask. Today, I will pet the giant elephant in the room.

I opted for a bi-lateteral mastectomy with reconstruction at the same time. A lumpectomy would have been fine, but knowing me and my tendency to be OCD, I was afraid I would never stop touching my breasts. I was afraid it would come back. I was afraid of the scars and disfigurment that a lumpectomy may have left with the location and size of my mass. I wanted to nip it in the bud…or the breast as the case may be. And the consolation prize is a new set of “girls.” They put expanders in for now, and I will have my permanent implants placed about 3 months after chemo. They look great now…I am sure they will be fantastic once she is done with the reconstruction.

PUMP UP THE VOLUME…
So you might be wondering…what does 80s music have to do with all of this? Today’s visit with the plastic surgeon was to pump up my expander implants with saline. The expanders have a fill port that is built into the front of the device. This port is accessed with a needle through the skin. She had a three inch needle with a large syringe filled with saline. She found the fill port and injected the saline in the implant. The expansion took about one minute, it was pain-free! Finally, a pain-free procedure. It was kind of fun, actually! I was fascinated…it was like a lunch-time boob job! I will go every three weeks on Monday to pump up the volume.

I was a teen in the 80s and loved every minute of it. I embraced the fashion, the big hair, and most definitely the music. Last night in my sleep, I could not get the song “Pump up the Volume” by M.A.R.S. out of my head. First thing this morning I found this video on You Tube. Click here to check it out. This is most definitely going on my “heal” playlist! So, every third Monday, feel free to listen to this song and put the needle on the record, and pump up the volume. It cracks me up every time I listen to it! Man I love the 80s.

WE WILL BE INVINCIBLE…
In my post on Friday night, I used the word “invincible.” Since then, in my dreams I have been thinking about the Pat Benatar song “Invincible.” Where did I go? You Tube! Click here to check out the video.

The song also reminded me of fabulous 80s movie The Legend of Billie Jean. Click here to view the trailer of the movie. I am one of the three people in the world that loved that movie. I may need to rent it. It’s pretty ironic because the main character has long, gorgeous hair in the beginning of the flick, and then she cuts it all off as she goes on the run. Maybe as my hair grows out I will rock the Billie Jean rebel look. And then grow it out for the Pat Benatar look. Maybe this going-bald-and-growing-out-my-hair thing won’t be so bad after all. Embrace it.

The dictionary defines invincible as "incapable of being conquered, defeated, or subdued." That same VP that gently told me I can over-communicate also has a mantra…”Act and you shall become.” So as I enter Cancer World tomorrow for my first chemo treatment, I will try my best to be invincible. I know chemo will challenge me and test me. But I have faith in God, the most amazing friends and family a girl could ask for, and a life so grand that is so worth fighting for…and WINNING!

So, cancer, take this. If you think you can beat me you are wrong. For I have a healing army that can not be defeated. Our prayers and positive energy and power of mind over matter can not be broken. We will be invincible.

One of my dear BFFs, Satchel, is picking me up for chemo tomorrow. We will be ladies that lunch, first, and then head over to Cancer World to have 5 solid hours together! WOO HOO! I’m sure if I cry she will tell me a joke, do a shuffle-tap-step dance, or maybe even cry a little too. Stay tuned for that post. I’m sure we will have some stories to share.

In the mean time…know that I love you! Know that I know you love me. Know that your prayers, cards, emails, phone calls, gifts, friendship, support, and LOVE have given me strength that I never knew I had. God has been my guide and for that I have peace in my heart.

And as the song goes...

Stand up and face the enemy
It's a do or die situation
We will be invincible

And together, we WILL be invincible.

xoxo

Great Day...

I do not feel great today, however it is a Great Day...

Today is the first day since my surgery that I have wanted to be on the couch resting. Today I have decided to listen to my body and rest. I am finding inspiration and lifted spirits through a continuous play of "Great Day" from Eddie from Ohio that I have repeating on iTunes.

Let me back up...yesterday we left off with me, my new port, and my friend Rose heading to Wolf Trap to see one of our favorite bands, Eddie from Ohio (EFO). You may or may not have heard of this band. If you haven't I strongly recommend you check out their website or check them out on iTunes.

Seventeen years ago (OMG) we first started listening to this local band. The lead singer was a fellow Hokie, and during the summers we would see them play at a local bar every Tuesday night. We played their CDs constantly and were regulars at their gigs. They have continued to release CDs and play music as we all have grown up. We love them now more than ever. Hearing their music brings me to such a happy place. Those were such care-free days. Blaring the music, singing out loud (with no tune I might add), and just all around good times!

A couple of years ago, Rose and I went to see EFO. We hadn't seen them in a while, and we noticed that the singer had changed her hairstyle. She was singing better than ever but something seemed different. For their encore, she came out and started singing one of our favorites-- a great gospel-inspired tune called "Operator." And as she belted it out, she threw off her hair. OMG Julie Murphy was bald! She had been diagnosed with breast cancer and was going through chemo. She is so young! And healthy! And beautiful! And had a great life! How could our favorite lead singer have breast cancer? She was only a couple of years older than us! But here she was, singing her heart out. We cried and applauded.

Earlier this summer, I looked at the Wolf Trap schedule and EFO was playing a week after my birthday so I bought two tickets. At first my husband was going to come with me but he suggested I go with Rose. He knows it is a band that is one of our favorites, so I called her and told her to mark her calendar. EFO here we come! I never dreamed that a month later I would have been diagnosed with breast cancer, nor could I imagine that I would have a port installed that day, or that I would be starting chemo a few days later.

I was a little sore when Rose came to pick me up. But I was not going to miss EFO and I desperately needed some fresh air and a change of scenery. It was such a gorgeous evening! So we packed a cooler, picked up some dinner and off we went. We sat on the lawn and had a great dinner, great conversation, and tried our best to not well up. It was a nearly perfect evening. Except for the fact that the happy juice from my port procedure was wearing off . I was in pain. My chest was bruising, and it was red and irritated and swollen. I felt like I had been attacked by an animal. I was taking it easy though. I said to myself, "What is the difference between resting on the couch, or resting outside listening to great music." So I tried to forget the pain and make the best of the situation. Rose was a great care taker.

We decided to head in to the pavillion and take our seats. The sun had set, the evening breeze was blowing, and I was feeling a tad better. The house lights dimmed, the stage lights lit up, and the band started playing. As soon as Julie started singing I started sobbing. Not tearing. Not welling up. SOBBING. Uncontrollable, face in my hands crying. I can't explain the emotion, and I could not stop sobbing.

Music is so powerful. Was I crying because the music brought me back to a time that was so happy and carefree? We were so invincible back then. We had not a care in the world! Was I crying because I saw how beautiful Julie looked? Last time I saw her, she was going through chemo and now, just a couple of years later, she was more gorgeous than ever. Her hair was long and wavy and she looked so happy and carefree, and her voice was so up-lifting. She is a survivor! That will be me, right!? I sure pray it will be me! That is what I'm counting on!

Once I got myself together, we enjoyed the music. They were doing flashbacks to the 90s, and they played all of our favorites! It was just what I needed. I felt terrible from the port...but my spirits were so lifted. Hearing this music took me to my happy place. And seeing a survivor -- who had been through what am about to go through -- seem better than ever offered hope.

She sang a song called "Great Day" that she dedicated to her favorite chemo nurse. I have been listening to it all morning. I was feeling terrible a bit ago, but after listening to this song over and over, I am feeling better. I think this is my new anthem. On days ahead where I am feeling sick or sad, I will listen to this song. I will find comfort in these words, and I will find inspiration in her voice. For each day in life is a blessing, even if it's not your best day. As I step in to the unknown, I will try to remember that I am so blessed, and that every day is a Great Day...

Great Day...Great Day...Great Day
That the Lord has made
So let us shout it out
And let us sing
And praise His name
Our God and King
For all He brings
on this Great Day

Well I know what it's like
To be scared and alone
When sorrow grabs hold of your heart
When all that is around
Starts tumbling down
You feel like you're falling apart
Just when you think there is no where to go
Just when you think how hard can I fall
Just when you think there is no hope in sight
The Lord hears your cry and with all of His might
...

This is the day
That the Lord has made
Let us be glad and rejoice
Blue skies, green grass, beauty surrounding us
We lift up our voice

Stop Complaining, Stop Whining

Stop worrying who's to blame
Believe in yourself and do what is right
Have faith in the Lord with all of your might

Great Day...Great Day...Great Day
That the Lord has made
So shout it out
And let us sing
And praise His name
Our God and King
For all He brings
on this Great Day

Cheers to you, EFO! Thanks for the pep talk. Rose and I will see you soon!
xoxo

The Port...

Another day, another doctor.

Today, it was "port day" at the Vascular Interventional Radiology Center at the hospital.

When someone mentions the word PORT, the first thing that comes to my mind is sitting in a beautiful restaurant after a delicious dinner, and pondering the thought of sipping on a nice port wine for dessert. I learned about fine wines and ports from the executives I used to work with and travel with years ago. I did not always like to drink port, but I always enjoyed the atmosphere where port was usually sipped.

The second place the word PORT brings me to in my head is a Caribbean vacation ... leaving the ferry at the port, and heading to the white sand beaches to enjoy a tropical vacation.

Well, now when I hear the word PORT, I think of a device that is implanted in your skin so that medications can be delivered safely into your blood stream. By medications, I mean CHEMOTHERAPY. OMG.

We arrived at the hospital promptly at 11 am for the 12 pm procedure. The people on the medical staff there were all really nice. I have to admit, I hated being in the hospital. I hated being in an area with a bunch of sick old people. The only people in there my age were the daughters and granddaughters of patients. And then there was me. A healthy 36 year old. But I guess I'm not healthy or I wouldn't be there. Hmmmm. Now that is a punch in the stomach of reality.

My husband was allowed back with me while we waited. He held my hand, stroked my hair, and flashed his big beautiful smile at me before he kissed my forehead and told me he loved me. I am a lucky lady. We found ourselves laughing and telling stories about our kids. We also reviewed our new bathroom designs and fixtures. Why not? It's a lot more fun to sit and talk about happy things than to freak out about the old person in the bed next to you who is telling terrible stories about their drains and tubes and infections and recurrences of cancer. It was nice to be discussing our new steam shower and which fixtures we want instead of freaking out about the procedure that I would be having any minute.

They ran late--the patient before me was difficult apparently. The staff was frazzled a bit. We were still smiling when they came in to get me. I said, "I sure hope I'm easier than the last patient." And she just smiled and said it was refreshing to see a smiling patient.

They asked if I had side effects of anesthesia. I said no, just that I talk too much. Well, that's with or without drugs really, let's be honest! She put some happy juice in my IV, and I don't think I got knocked out. I was fascinated at the radiology screen, and was checking out the image of my ribs. It was watching Discovery Health on TV, except it was live, and it was my own body that I was looking at. The doctor started talking to me...chit chat...small talk. At least I think he is the one who started. We talked about my kids and he asked where I went to school...so then I asked him about his kids and where he went to school. Harvard. Not so shabby! Turns out he was also the Department Head, too. So I was confident he could chit chat AND place the port without puncturing my lungs. I enjoyed hearing about his kids, too. I am such a CHATTERBOX. Either way it made the time pass.

"PERFECT." he said. It was over. Phew. There was not any pain. Well, maybe there was, but I had good happy juice in my veins, and all of the chit chat and fascination at the imaging of my ribcage took my mind off the pain.

I now have 2 new incisions. I am going to be Frankenstein when this is all over. But they were nice and strategically placed the incision out of sight with most of my clothing. They told me I had to wait 1-2 hours in recovery. After 20 minutes I was getting antsy (SHOCKER), and also was freaking out about some of the very sick people next to me. The nurse was kind enough to say, "You are fine, let's get you out of here." Yea!

Tonight I am heading to Wolf Trap to see Eddie from Ohio play with my one of my BFFs, Rose. I will let you know how that goes. It is a gorgeous night, and there will be nothing like hanging out with a good friend, listening to music that brings you back to a happy place, and maybe even sipping on a Blue Moon.

I hope you all have a great weekend.

xoxo

Take it from the top...my story

I realize it would have been easier to start this blog 7 weeks ago. But if you're not ready, you're not ready. One of the first questions people ask when they find out you have been diagnosed with breast cancer is "How did you find out?"

My story begins last year. Here's a timeline...

March 2007: I had been hearing buzz about baseline mammograms starting at 35. I was 34 and diligently went for my annual visit to the GYN. I asked her about mammograms, and she said that 40 was still the norm for getting a baseline, but if I wanted to get one done at 35, and if my insurance would pay for it, she'd write the order. So away I went with my order, and it was neatly filed away in my "to do" pile.

December 2007: A person very close to me had a health scare. Thank God everything turned out to be fine, but it reminded me to be proactive about my health, so I dusted off my mammogram order that I had received back in March, and made my appointment for my baseline mammogram. We have no real family history, so I was not worried. I was just looking forward to crossing it off my list of things to do to stay healthy.

January 2008: I went in for my baseline mammogram. The tech said, "Do not worry if you get called back. Many women get called back for their baseline." Well sure enough I got called back the next day and they said I had "fibrous, dense tissue" in my right breast. What do I do? I start examining my breast as thoroughly as I could. I felt a pea sized bump. Instantly I asked my husband, mom and sister, "Can you feel this? What is this? I feel something! OMG OMG." My mom said, "I don't worry about breast cancer for you. We don't have any family history." I met my girlfriend for lunch and told her to come in to the bathroom. "You have to feel this. What is this? Should I be worried?" Being the level-headed friend she is, she said, "I do feel that, but you are going to the doctor in two days, and you are getting it checked out." Right. OK. This is fine! Most people get called back.

I went back and told the tech that I had been poking around the last few days and felt a bump. She said not to worry, that I would be seeing a radiologist that day, and if there was a concern then I'd get further tests. After more squishing and squeezing I waited for the doc. She came to tell me that all was "Normal." I was relieved, but then said, "But I feel this here" as I touched my bump. She said it's probably a cyst, don't worry. Come back when you are 40. I was like but but...don't you want to do an ultrasound or something? Do you want to feel it? She said, "No, you are fine, see you in 5 years."

March 2008: I was obsessed with the bump...which had now turned in to a quarter-sized lump in my right breast. I went for my yearly GYN appt and she was glad that I had gotten my baseline mammo done. When it came time for my breast exam, I expressed my concern. "It's getting bigger. It's really tender." If I had a dime for every time I heard "breast cancer doesn't hurt." B.S.! She felt it and said it was probably a cyst, my mammo was fine...don't worry...blah blah. I left there and still felt that something wasn't right.

June 2008: My lump was growing and was tender. I went to the Race for the Cure with one of my BFFs. We have been doing the race yearly since he lost his mother to breast cancer. I had the weirdest feeling that day. I found myself looking at the women in pink. Survivors. What if that was me some day? Would I have a team? My breast lump ached. I grabbed my friend's arm and as I walked with him arm-in-arm, I thought to myself, "He may have to share this Race with me some day."

June 2008: By now, I had asked most of my friends and family to touch my lump. Some did...some said, "No thanks!" One morning my husband could not take the complaining any more. He said, "Call the doctor NOW. Go in to get it checked out." I don't think he thought anything was really wrong...but he was tired of me complaining daily about it! OCD much? So I called my PCP. They were booked but I got squeezed in for a 9:10 am sick visit. To me, this was more important than a runny nose.

The doc came in and said, " What is the emergency? I am double booked." I said, "I feel like I am supposed to be here today." I told her about my lump and she examined me. Instantly she said, "You have had this for 6 months?" Ummmm yes. I have seen 2 doctors. She said, "You are 35. I am not taking any chances. Go get an ultrasound ASAP."

The next day I went in for the ultrasound and the radiologist told me that this was not a cyst...it was a solid mass. It could be a lot of things, but she, too, said she was not taking any chances. She came in early the following Monday to do a core needle biopsy. I freaked out. I cried. No way I was going to have breast cancer at 35. No way! I called some of my BFFs and their moms for prayers. We prayed and prayed and hoped and hoped and hoped it was no big deal.

July 2, 2008: The day that changed my life forever...
I had not heard any news about my biopsy. I was so freaked out. Later that evening, I finally got in touch with the radiologist. Then I heard those words that I had known in my heart...the mass is malignant. Silence. OK now what? My mom came in to the room, and we were about to head out to pick up the kids. I mouthed the words "I have cancer, go get the kids." She gave me this look like "WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?" I waved her on her way. Hung up the phone. Called my husband. He dropped everything and said he'd be home right away. I sat alone and cried. OMG. I am 35, married, 2 kids, and I have breast cancer. Are you KIDDING ME? When my husband came home we just hugged, held hands and walked. And walked. And cried. And hugged some more. In shock.

July - August:
I immediately turned from stunned patient to project manager. I got a list of doctors to see. I got first opinions, second opinions. Tests, scans, consults, surgery. I can't even go down the road of recapping the last 6 weeks. It is just too exhausting.

Bottom line: The cancer was removed successfully. My lymph nodes were clean--no cancer. The cancer had not spread to any of my other organs. Thank you, Lord!

Chemo...Ready or not, here I come!
I will be starting an 18 week chemo treatment plan. I will have a treatment (of Taxotere and Cytoxan) once every three weeks for six weeks. I get my port put in on Friday, August 21 and start the chemo on Tuesday, August 26.

My prayer is that I will be done with chemo, and be cancer-free by Christmas. For that will be the most precious gift.

This is a long and exhausting post! Here is my inspirational quote for the day...

"PEACE. It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble or hard work. It means to be in the midst of those things and still be calm in your heart."

Lord, I pray for peace as I start the next part of this journey.

To Blog or not to Blog...

One question I have been tossing around in my head for weeks has been "to blog or not to blog." I am a communicator by nature, as well as by profession, and I find writing to be very therapeutic.

When I was in elementary school, I kept a diary. Inside the blue diary I wrote all of the details about playground drama, tallys on who "liked" whom, RCK charts, and the ups and downs of the complicated relationships of my sixth grade BFFs. (Ironically they are all still my BFFs now nearly 30 years later!)

When I was in college, my older brother found this childhood diary, and had a lot of fun reading it and exploiting it! In fact, every day for weeks, I would check my dorm mail box, and in there I would find a large, neon post card which was a copy of a page from my diary. While I can laugh at it now, back then it was mortifying!!! Since then, I have refused to journal. What if someone found my journal that had my deepest thoughts and secrets? No way was I going to risk that again!

When I was diagnosed with breast cancer 7 weeks ago, I found myself wanting to write...needing to write. I could not find the energy to repeat my story a million times to my family or BFFs. So I would start writing quick "update" emails that turned in to journal entries. My posse enjoyed the emails, and it saved hours of story telling on the phone. We could spend our catch up time together discussing things BESIDES doctor visits, lab reports, and the dreaded "C" word.

I recently visited my email folder I labeled "heal" and started reading the emails from the past 7 weeks. The first email was written on Thursday, June 26 at 8:14 am to one of my dear BFFs. Here's what I wrote...

"That mass in my r breast is still aching so I finally made an appt to be squeezed in this morning at 9:10am. I hope it's nothing but it's bigger and it's pretty tender. Will ping when I get back online."

Who knew it would turn in to this? I want so badly to be private about this. However, I realize the energy and love and support I get from my loved ones when I let them in to my head...and that power of prayer, and positive energy, and love, and support gives me strength. When I first had to tell my loved ones of my diagnosis, I could not believe how many burst in to uncontrolable tears upon hearing those words. It was as if they were diagnosed themselves. Hearing their instant sobbing made me realize how blessed I am. I have friends who are my family. When I laugh they laugh. When I feel sorrow, they feel sorrow. Hearing those sobs on the other end of the phone made me feel more loved than ever.

Red has always been my favorite color. Growing up, my room was red. My first nail polish was called "Love that Red." On my wedding day, I carried a boquet of beautiful red roses. When I was pregnant, my dear friend suggested I name my daughter Scarlett. Needless to say, my husband did not agree! There are days I can't believe this is happening to ME. Perhaps it will be easier to write if I pretend I am writing a story about someone else. Denial can be a safe place some times when you are facing your worst nightmare.

So, today, I am starting Scarlett's Journey. This is NOT a blog about breast cancer. It is a blog about life. My kids. My family. My friends. My work. And yes, my journey through healing and surviving breast cancer. For that is part of my story. It is not my entire story, just a chapter somewhere in the middle. It will no doubt change my life. It has already done so.

But this is not fiction...this is not about someone else...this is MY life. My mom said to me last night, "You can't pretend life is normal, because it's not. Your life has changed...you will change." Change is good sometimes. I am not challenging this. I am not going to sit in a corner and cry "why me." I will fight. I am putting my faith in God and will pray to the Lord above to guide me through this journey...show me the way...and heal me. I will look in to the eyes of my precious children, and assure them that I will be here to watch them grow up. I will hold the hand of my husband so tightly as he stands by my side. I will still be my mom's baby girl, and will no doubt be held in the comfort of her arms, as she wipes away the tears, and tries to hold back tears of her own. The doctors on my healing team are so brilliant and skilled yet compassionate. My family and friends are also an important part of my healing team, and I will use every ounce of energy and support they give me.

There is a reason this is happening. I am not sure what that is yet. I may not know tomorrow or next month or next year. But, someday, there will be clarity. And I will look up to the Heavens and say "OK Lord, I get it now." Until then, it's all about faith.

I have received so many loving thoughts, cards and gifts, etc. I keep looking at them all, and I will share some of the inspirations throughout my posts...

The healing journey is traveled one step at a time.

So, off I go...