Good-bye Cancer...Hello Life

Nearly three weeks ago, I had my last chemo treatment and was all smiles as I perched on Cloud 9. When I met with my oncologist that day, she was happy for me, but warned me that many people fall in to depression or experience anxiety post treatment. In general, I am a happy, optimistic person, and while her warnings were duly noted, I did not fear either of those.

The holidays were wonderful and filled with many happy gatherings. Once the celebrations were done, I was elated when I could take down the trimmings and have a nice, uncluttered home. (Well, assuming the kids aren't around!) 

One quiet evening I was browsing several blogs, and stumbled upon a memoir that a loving husband had written about the love of his life and mother of his young daughter that was taken by breast cancer at age 36. I was torn as to whether to read it or not to read it, as it hit very close to home, but it was so tempting that I could not resist downloading it.

It was a beautiful love story that ended in tragedy. The last few nights since reading that book I have tossed and turned in my sleep, and have had many nightmares and visions of this beautiful, young mother who was taken from Earth too soon. I wept for her, even though I had never met her. Suddenly, I understood why my doctor had warned me about anxiety. I felt it creeping up on me, and I hated every minute of it. I should be elated...I battled cancer and kicked its ass. But so did she and she lost in the end. But I'm not her. And I have to believe and pray with all that I have that is not my fate.

Today, I met with my oncologist to wrap up my treatments. I told her of my recent experiences, and she was very nurturing while being a straight shooter. We spoke very frankly about all that has happened, and suddenly I was overcome with an amazing sense of peace. "Stop Googling about cancer. Stop reading about cancer. Put your cancer books away. Stop thinking about cancer. START LIVING YOUR CANCER-FREE LIFE." Now those are doctors orders I can follow.

This journey has taken me on such a wild ride. And for the last six months, cancer has consumed my life, and the lives of my family and many of my friends. My medical team was amazing. I did my part to be a good patient. My family and friends gave me strength and courage. Loved ones and strangers prayed for my healing, and God has answered those prayers. So, now it's time to say good-bye to cancer, and hello to life.

The old cliche has been proven over and over these last six months...timing is everything. And as we say good-bye to 2008 and hello to 2009, it is a new chapter of my life. I look forward to a year of getting back to good health. Enjoying every minute with my family. Settling in to our home. Creating new and fun memories with our friends. Working out and eating well. Growing my hair. Savoring some "me" time to be still and find inner peace. Giving thanks. Counting my blessings. 

There is one thing that is not on that list...and that big C better stay away. In the mean time I REFUSE to let it consume me or take any more of my precious time or energy. I have far better things to think about and focus on. 

I am survivor. 

I am working on getting an appointment set in the next week or two to get my port removed. (YEA!!!!) And my implant surgery is on February 5. Other than that, I have my life back, and could not be happier. 

Here's wishing you all a wonderful year filled with good health, many blessings, and dreams come true. 

And, a well deserved...

Happy Cancer-Free New Year to Me!

xoxo

Oh Come All Ye Faithful...

Last week, sitting in CW for my usual post-chemo CBC, I started chatting with the woman sitting next to me. She was young, like me, with beautiful red hair, freckles, and a warm and inviting smile. After some chit chat, she shared her story. She recently turned 40, and has a 6 year old and a 3 year old like me. Her hip had been hurting, so she went to the doctor thinking she had pulled a muscle. She left in shock with a cancer diagnosis. Cancer in her bones, with spots on her lungs and liver. I was in shock. We were talking about how awful it is that so many young women around us are being diagnosed with cancer. Before I could say good-bye, my research nurse came over to see me. That lady left, but I had been thinking about her a lot.

On Christmas Eve, we went to the 11 am service at an Episcopal Church. As the music played before the service and we were getting the kids settled, I looked up and saw that woman from CW sitting towards the front of the church. Before I knew it, I got up and walked over to her. She was sitting with her husband and her two children. "Merry Christmas...remember me?" I said to her with a smile. She did and we both shared a warm smile and holiday greeting. I had apologized for our conversation at CW ending without closure, but was so delighted to see her and her family. I wished her the best and returned to the pew with my family.

As the clergy entered the sanctuary, the congregation sang Oh Come All Ye Faithful. I looked at my mom and tears started streaming down my face. "I'm not sure I can do this." I said to her with tear-filled eyes. As we stood there arm-in-arm, trying to sing and wiping tears from our cheeks, I was overcome with emotion. The cumulation of everything that happened this year knocked me over like a tidal wave. While faith and prayers have been at the center of my journey, this was the first time I had been to church. It was quite emotional. 

O went home with my mom to prepare for the evening festivities. My husband and Cookie went down for a nap at home so I snuck out for a mani/pedi. It has been five months since I visited the nail salon and I was so ready!! I must have been exhausted because I actually fell asleep during my pedicure! It was an amazing treat, and I was thrilled to have red toes and manicured nails. One of the potential side effects of chemo is bad nails. I seemed to do OK with that. Thankfully!

We had an amazing Christmas. The week leading up to Christmas, we entertained several evenings with friends, including Rose's family and Satchel's family. We were very fortunate to be able to spend Christmas Eve and Christmas day with both my family and my husband's family. It has been non-stop and we are tired, but the kids had a ball and we had some great family time, not to mention delicious food! We are going to enjoy this next week off from work and school!

My camera is one of my lifelines, and I have captured over a thousand shots of this year...from vacations, play dates and birthday parties to surgery, hair cuts and chemo to a major house renovation. A few nights ago, I finally found the energy to organize my photos. At 11pm, I hopped on my Mac and created a 5 chapter DVD filled with all of the memories of 2008. I separated out the fun memorable photos, Scarlett's Journey photos, home renovation photos, and random video snippets from the year. There was just too much that happened in 2008 to put in one slideshow. Plus, I wanted to separate out the major events because frankly, it's too much to watch in one sitting! As we shared the slideshows with our families on Christmas Eve, it was a reminder of how much has happened in 2008. It was a year of great joy and a year of great sorrow, but we ended it with many blessings and all smiles. In our newly renovated home. Done with chemo. Cancer-free by Christmas. That is the most precious gift. My husband is my rock, and I am so proud of how much we have accomplished this year together. Our family is an amazing team.

I am ready to get back to life. It has been a wonderful season, but a lot going on. We moved, finished chemo and decorated the Christmas tree all in the same week. And then we prepared for Christmas and enjoyed many celebrations. I'm ready to take down the trimmings, and get back to a normal routine. I meet with my oncologist on 12/29. I am not sure what will happen at that appointment, but hopefully it will be uneventful. 

I am so looking forward to a New Year. I am looking forward to working out and eating healthy and growing my hair. I vow to remember all of the life lessons that I have learned over the past 6 months, and cherish every day as a precious gift. 

I hope you all had a wonderful holiday. And I wish you all a very Happy New Year filled with faith, joy, peace, many blessings, and most of all, good health.

xoxo

Doing Great! Fa la la la la la la la.....

It was the medicine...definitely the medicine!

I just read my post from the other night...did I really write that!? Now that the chemo fog has lifted and I'm feeling well, I reminded myself that the Monday after chemo has been my moody day as a side effect from one of the medications. But now, I'm feeling like me again and back in the swing of things...and in full-blown Christmas spirit! 

Yesterday I went to CW for a CBC and my counts are great! Yea!!! I officially cleared chemo #6. Now, when can I get a pedicure? That has been tough to be pedicure-free for 5 months! I popped in to the chemo infusion room to say hello to one of my CW friends who was getting chemo. It was quiet and somber and pretty depressing. Nobody was doing shuffle-tap-steps. Nobody was smiling or taking pictures or telling stories or wearing fuzzy hats. It made me realize how much Satchel, Rose and I livened up CW and made chemo days fun. (I hope that people don't think that we were disrespectful...but given all the friends we made and smiles we encouraged, I don't think that was the case.) I gave big hugs to the nurses who have been so amazing and kind and loving and wonderful. It made me realize that while I have been impacted by so many along the way, I, too, have impacted others as well. That is a good feeling. 

After a day of shopping and getting things done, and inspiration from one of my friend's hair styles, I decided I needed a new look. So in the bathroom I went with my wig and a pair of new scissors.  CHOP.  I cut my wig, and it actually came out pretty good! Which is quite a relief since this hair doesn't grow back!

Last night, Auntie La came over to play with the kids and my husband and I went out to see the Aimee Mann Christmas Show. It was a night filled with great music, lots of laughs, good friends, and all around fun. This week is filled with many holiday celebrations, and I'm so thankful that I'm feeling well, out of my fog, and ready to CELEBRATE!

I am watching The Biggest Loser finale and am so inspired. Now that this chapter is over, it's time for the next chapter...get fit for life. I will be walking the Avon 2-Day in May, so stay tuned for that. 

Until then, I hope you all are doing well, and enjoying the Christmas season! Love and joy to you!

'Tis the Season...

Is it the amazing full moon that filled the night sky this week? Is it the late hour? Is reality sinking in that we are finally home sweet home after living with my mom for five months? Is it the fact that I had chemo a week ago? Is it the lights on the Christmas tree that fill the dark room with sparkles? Is it the holidays and all the joy, tears, and memories that comes with it? Or perhaps a combination. Whatever it is, it's overwhelming. It's an emotional crescendo. I should be sleeping soundly, but it's the moments where I am still that my mind races. No wonder I keep myself busy.

Timing is everything. I feel thankful that I have the next three weeks off of work to regroup and get my life back together after a crazy six months. Some days I'm glad it's during the holidays. And some days I wish it were some random month without so much going on so I could really take a deep breath. Then again, my life as a woman, mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, niece, worker is never at a slow pace. So I am trying to enjoy all of the joy that is around me. This is a week filled with holiday celebrations...happy times with good friends. It feels good to be settled in our new home, and we look forward to entertaining and creating new memories here.

As for a chemo update, knock on wood I seem to have successfully cleared chemo #6. I was very tired and a little more nauseated than I remember, but then again it was the first chemo cycle that I was not living with my mom. Not to mention we have been running ourselves ragged moving in and getting situated. Thanks to some helping hands, I managed to get some good rest in and managed my side effects with flying colors. I kept reminding myself that while I was done with chemo, technically I still had to endure the effects of the treatment I just had.  My family, friends and, of course, my kids, took excellent care of me. I go in for a CBC this week, and a final doc appointment in a couple of weeks to "close out" chemo, and move on to routine monitoring for the next five years. While chemo could have been much worse, I am proud of my body for weathering the storm pretty well...and I am proud of my mind and spirit for staying strong and persevering through it all. Every day is a battle of mind over matter. Every day is a test of faith. Every day is a blessing. Every day is a gift.

Speaking of gifts, I am not done with my Christmas shopping. In fact, I have not done any shopping in weeks. It is not because I'm a scrooge. It's not because I don't have time. I am not sure what it is. The thought of fighting for parking spaces and waiting in lines with coupons for something to wrap up seems a little silly given everything that I have experienced. One thing I learned from my mom is the best gift is the gift that finds you. I love to go shopping, and find something that I know someone would love. I usually buy it, even if there is no occasion or event. The other day I saw a shirt that I thought my friend would love for her daughter, so I bought it for her. When I gave it to her, she loved it and smiled, and questioned, "What is this for?!" I just smiled and said, "I saw this and thought of you, and thought your daughter would look adorable in it." Or finding the perfect yellow colander for my mom. How can I wrap this up and give it to her for Christmas, when she just opened up her home to me and my family for five months, and nursed us all back to health? It just seems strange. Normally photography is a huge element of holiday gifts for me. I treasure my photographs -- I take literally thousands each year. But for some reason, organizing and playing with my photographs is too difficult for me just yet. I'm still trying to absorb all that has happened in 2008. I'm not quite ready to organize it in to a pretty book. Perhaps I will be giving New Year's gifts this year. I treasure my photos, and I have been capturing literally every step of my journey through the lens of my camera. I will do something with the photos--someday...probably someday soon. But I'm not going to force it. It will happen when the time is right. 

I love my family and friends so much. Even more than I ever thought I could. This year I just want time with them. Time to laugh. Time to play. Time to hug. Time to be silly. Time to shed a tear and say, "Wow, look at what an awesome team we are. Look at how we kicked ass!" Time to cook and share a meal. Time to drink a delicious champagne cocktail. Time to open a delicious bottle of wine. Time to toast to a New Year filled with hope, happiness, good health and good times. Those are gifts I do not need to go to the mall for. And I hope those are the gifts that are appreciated. 

At age 6 and 3, my kids are at the height of Christmas belief. There are so few years where the love and fear of Santa is so real and so pure. I am trying to cherish the joy of Christmas with them each day. Instead of rushing around and being a crazy, stressed out mom looking for sales and experiencing road rage, I am savoring every moment of holiday magic with them. Taking them to see Santa was classic. And I'm also doing my best to instill the true meaning of Christmas, while keeping a little "Jesus is the reason for the season" in it, too! ;-) Tonight, after some play time outside enjoying this beautiful weather, we came inside, showered up, and put on our jammies. After a tasty dinner of chicken noodle soup, the three of us snuggled up on the couch under our fuzzy blankets and watched some Christmas specials. We all have our favorite specials, and we all have our favorite parts. And we all laughed out loud together for an hour an a half. And then, we went upstairs and snuggled in bed and read some Christmas books. My husband came home and finished up the Christmas books and we tucked the kids in. 

While I'm sure the kids will love the legos and art supplies and other surprises that Santa will bring them this year, I'm hoping the gift of Christmas memories is what lasts them a lifetime. Decorating gingerbread houses...baking cookies...picking out a Christmas tree...hanging special ornaments...reflecting on traditions old and new.  I hope that someday many years from now, a Christmas special will come on, and they'll say, "Remember when we used to snuggle up on the couch and watch that show together? Remember how funny you thought that part was?" I sure remember Nestor, the Long-eared Christmas Donkey. My poor sister was called Nestor for years! Laugh if you will, but now, thirty years later, I have no idea what I got for Christmas that year...but I am thinking of watching that special with my family...and I am smiling. I am thinking of all how special each Christmas has been for so many different reasons. And remembering why Christmas is my favorite time of year. If there was ever a year where I am appreciating the true meaning of Christmas, this is it. From hearing "Happy Birthday, Jesus" at Cookie's pre-school school concert, to reliving old traditions from our Christmases past, to creating new memories and traditions to remember in years to come...this will be a Christmas we will never forget. I'd be emotional anyway...but when you add a move and cancer and chemo and a full moon...a-ha, now it all makes sense! Too much!

My son, O, told me that Santa was going to bring me hair for Christmas. He used one of his Christmas wishes for me. And he gave me extra hugs because he knows how much I miss my hair. But he said as he curled up in my lap under the fuzzy blanket, "I don't care if you have hair, Mommy. I love you and I will never ever leave you...ever."

Now that's a priceless gift. 

Chemo #6: Oh Happy Day!!!

As I sit here in my new living room, looking at the sparkling lights of my beautiful Christmas tree, my little Cookie is snuggled by my side. I can't tell you how many of these blog entries been written with her snuggled up by my side with her hand on my arm. It's like she has a sixth sense...and she is such an inspiration. OK...there is a lot to write today, so off we go.

I woke up this morning to a quiet house, and instead of hopping out of bed, I took a good 10 minutes to lay still and think about all that has happened over the last 6 months. And to give thanks. As silent tears fell, I was overcome with emotion. The pitter patter of Cookie coming in to my room to say good morning was a sign that it was time to start the day. Oh Happy Day!

As I got ready for chemo, my LAST chemo,  it felt more like I was getting ready for a holiday party. I styled my wig, put on full makeup (including mascara--so delighted to have eyebrows eyelashes, even though they are very thin!) and put on my red, fuzzy holiday sweater that Satchel and I have been trading for the last eight years. It felt very ceremonial to put on all of the jewelry that my friends have sent me over the months, and I also wore the ring that my Nana passed down to me before she passed away. I had so many text messages, emails, and voice mails waiting for me on my iPhone. I am one lucky lady. 

The kids were all smiles as they headed to the bus and preschool, and Satchel came to pick me up right on schedule. She came with two dozen colossal donuts for the chemo kitchen. (Have you ever had one of these? OMG, SFW does donuts right.)

I had an appointment with my oncologist before chemo. I will meet with her in a few weeks to wrap up my chemo treatment officially. I will then follow up with her every three months, then every six months, then once a year for the next five years. I do not have to do radiation due to my bilateral mastectomy, and I will not take the Tamoxifen because my "C" is not hormone receptor positive. So, chemo was my protocol and I'm done with that. The next phase of my journey will be to get back to me. I will spend 2009 and beyond working on total health, mind, body, and spirit. Organic, healthy diet, lots of exercise, and an effort to keep good life balance. It's a big challenge but one where I have a tremendous amount of motivation. Look good, feel good, and be healthy. And let's not forget the hair! During the move I looked at old school pictures. I went from a bi-level to shoulder length hair in a year...then long hair a year after that...and then RIDICULOUSLY long hair after that. So I'm hopeful that in a few months I can ditch the wigs and learn how to be a person with short hair. On the boob front, I saw my plastic surgeon yesterday and she pumped up the girls again. I think they are big enough. It makes a huge difference when they are perky, let me tell you! TMI, maybe. But c'mon, this is what you really want to know, right!? My implant switcheroo surgery is scheduled for 2/5/09. Looks like I'll be getting silicone implants. They used to have a bad wrap but are now safe, and the suggested implant of choice, especially for reconstruction. Hopefully come summer I'll have hair, new boobs, and a few less pounds on my toucas. Good goal, huh?

OK...on to today! This may be a long post, so hang in there.

Satchel has been such a faithful friend to trek with me to my chemo sessions. When we entered the chemo infusion room, it was all full and they said that we could have a private room. "Oh NO!" I said, as we looked around the room we saw the five sets of friends we had made over the last few months. "I want to be with my friends!" I begged. There was one red chair in the middle of the room that was empty. It must be for the super toxic chemo because it has an emergency shower above it. I wanted to make sure there would be no practical jokes! So we settled it and it was perfect because we had all of our friends around us. 

As Satchel and I chatted up a storm, I looked up and saw the perfect surprise...my gorgeous husband coming my way. Tears streamed down my face as he came over to give me a big hug and kiss. This was his first chemo experience, and he wanted to be there for my graduation day. How amazing is he? Then, I looked up and saw the smiling face of my Mom! She came to surprise me, as well, and had a beautifully wrapped tray of homemade cookies and Hershey kisses for the nurses. She had been awake for 24 hours, working at the hospital last night, yet she found the energy to come to CW to see me, and bring a treat for the nurses who have been taking care of her baby for the last five months. It was her first time at chemo as well. But they both finally felt comfortable enough to come and see me in the chemo room. We sent Mom home to get some sleep, and sent my husband home to get some work done, when who appears next...Rose!!! We took some fun photos, and let me tell you that Rose totally rocks the short, curly, gray wig. Big C will be in for a treat in about 30 years!!! 

I breezed through chemo after a few short hours, some fun with my family and BFFs and all of our fellow chemo friends. As we finished up, they presented me with a #1 pin 

and a certificate of completion that all of the nurses signed. As we made our way around the room to offer smiles and hugs to our new friends, we all teared up. I know that Satchel, Rose, and I have really livened up CW for six Tuesdays! It's been a lot of fun. I promised to bring them some pictures to hang on their wall. What a happy day!

Satchel and I went out for our usual post chemo lunch. If only I could find the words to thank my family and friends for their endless support, love, and prayers. It feels weird to be "done" but I know this is just the beginning. I have a second chance at life, and I will remember that every single day of my life. It is times like this that you look at life with a different set of glasses. 

My family and BFFs have really gone above and beyond for me. Everyone keeps saying how proud they are of me and how I've handled everything. And I keep saying I did not do it alone. First and foremost, it is by the sheer grace of God that I am where I am today. It was He who kept tapping me on the shoulder to not let the two doctors who blew me off in January and March stop me from pursuing a third opinion. He prepared my heart through visions and dreams. He gathered the most skilled medical team who have worked together as an amazing orchestra. He has sent me Earth Angels, and has given me the strength and courage to pay it forward, and be an Earth Angel to others. He sent me a fabulous contractor who finished building our home and even finished a bit ahead of schedule, which is unheard of. And the list goes on and on.

And my family and friends. We all have so much going on in our lives. We all have stresses and everyone has their own lives and to-do lists to deal with. Yet people have found time in their busy days to think of me. Pray for me. You realize that it's the little things that people do that show you how much they love you. An extra hug or a text or an email or a card or a play date, or a girls night out or a guys night out or a phone call simply saying, "Thinking of you." I must have done something right in life to be surrounded by such amazing people. It's so humbling and I am so thankful. 

And my children. I have written about them a lot. They are so adorable and have really done incredibly well. I cherish my moments with them, and look forward to watching them grow up. I can't wait to be a Nana someday! And I look forward to all of the memories until that day. 

As strange as it is, today is one of the happiest days of my life. July 2nd and December 9th will go in to my memory bank as dates to remember. I will always take a few moments of silence to reflect on what happened on each day. And as I read through this blog, I realize how far I've come. As I've said before, you need to know where you've been to appreciate how far you've come. I believe I'm a better mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, niece, worker. My faith is stronger than ever. I am far from perfect but I am happier than ever.  

At the beginning of my journey, I met a woman in the elevator at CW who had short hair. "How long did it take you to get that much hair?" I asked her. I still had my long hair, and it was about to fall out. We started talking and she shared her blog with me. It was her last day of chemo that day, and I checked out her blog. In her post, she talked about a song by Sara Groves, called "Less than Scars." Of course, I downloaded it that evening, and have listened to it hundreds of times over the last months. So today, I borrow that inspiration, because these words speak to me loud and clear.

The blog will continue, as my journey is no where near over. Thank you for keeping up with me. Thank you for loving me. And thank you for turning the worst day of my life many months ago in to a very happy day. 

My inspiration for tonight is the lyrics from my new anthem...

Less Like Scars (Sara Groves)

It's been a hard year

But I'm climbing out of the rubble

These lessons are hard

Healing changes are subtle

But every day it's

Less like tearing, more like building

Less like captive, more like willing

Less like breakdown, more like surrender

Less like haunting, more like remember

And I feel you here

And you're picking up the pieces

Forever faithful

It seemed out of my hands, a bad situation

But you are able

And in your hand the pain and hurt

Look less like scars and more like

Character

Less like a prison, more like my room

It's less like a casket, more like a womb

Less like dying, more like transcending

Less like fear, less like an ending

Just a little while ago

I couldn't feel the power or the hope

I couldn't cope, I couldn't feel a thing

Just a little while back

I was desperate, broke, laid out, hoping

You would come

And I need you

And I want you here

And I feel you

And I know you're here

And you're picking up the pieces

Forever faithful

It seemed out of my hands a bad, bad situation

But you are able

And in your hands the pain and hurt

Look less like scars

And more like 

Character

Home Sweet Home...

On Thursday, June 26, 2008 at 8:14am, I sent the following email to Rose...

"Hi-

They arrived at 7am to rip off my roof. OMG!

That mass in my r breast is still aching so I finally made an appt to be squeezed in this morning at 9:10am. I hope it's nothing but it's bigger and it's pretty tender.

Will ping when I get back online."

Six days later, they were framing our new second story addition, and I was diagnosed with invasive ductal carcinoma.

Now, 5 1/2 months later, the children are nestled in their beds in our newly renovated home..the lights of the decorated Christmas tree are twinkling...my husband and I are exhausted but elated with our home...and I am two days away from my last chemo. Tonight, I'm writing a post to my blog for the first time from my house. The end is in sight...or shall I say the fresh, new start is just about here!

After another exhausting weekend of unpacking, organizing, and running all over the place, we took the kids to get a Christmas tree. It feels like chemo was ages ago, probably because I have had incredible energy this last round. I think the adrenaline of being back in our home in time for my last chemo was a motivation. Tonight, we continued the Sunday dinner tradition in our home with my mom and my sister. None of this would have been possible without our families. My mom opened up her home to us for the last 5+ months, and took care of all of us in so many ways. It was such an amazing, special time that we will never forget, and will be forever grateful. My sister has been such a big help in so many aspects of our life, including packing and unpacking so much of our stuff, and keeping me on track. And my husband's parents have been so helpful as well. To name a few...we surely are blessed with an amazing family. What precious gifts.

They say timing is everything. My friend who did a renovation as well said that doing a major project like this is a leap of faith. And after a lot of bumps in the road, we went for it and took that leap. And less than a week after they had ripped the roof off our house and the four of us moved in with my mom, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. What are the odds? Talk about divine intervention. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would be the 35 year old wife and mother of two with breast cancer. Never. But I was. And once I caught my breath after the wind was knocked out of me on July 2, I decided to fight with everything I have, and trust in God's plan...and He has guided me every step of the way. Through the heath crisis. Through the renovation. I have met many angels along the way. And now we are home for the holidays. I will really miss living with my mom. I am so blessed to have her in my life. She has been my rock through every step of the way, and her endless selflessness and life lessons will stay with me forever.

Christmas is my favorite time of year, and is full of family traditions. I have really enjoyed sharing those traditions with O and Cookie, and together as a family we have created some new traditions. Tonight I was reading O a bedtime story, and before I knew it, tears streamed down my face. A line in the book read "Christmas spirit is not about the gifts, the wrappings, or the bows. Christmas spirit is the joy, the laughter, the loving way it shows." As we all prepare for the holidays, there is no gift better than the gifts I have received this year. I know this sounds strange, but there have been so many silver linings in the midst of all of this. I have learned so much and have met people along the way that have impacted my life so significantly. All I want for Christmas is nothing that can be purchased at a store...it's priceless. All I want is a a bill of good health. A cancer-free New Year. A long life to share with my husband, my kids, my family, my friends. I want to grow old, and some day watch MY grandchildren decorate the tree and enjoy Sunday dinner 30 years from now. And I know I will.

Tomorrow I'm off to get the girls pumped up one last time and hopefully schedule my reconstruction surgery. And then Tuesday, Satchel and I will head to CW for a last round of chemo, and Rose may be able to join us for a visit. But Tuesday is not the end of my journey. If anything, it's just the beginning.

This holiday season, I will do my best to not get caught up in the shopping and the lists and the crowds. Rather, enjoy the precious gifts that are all around me.

'Tis the season to be jolly...and that I am.

The Big Move...

I can't remember the last time I was off the computer for four days straight. It's Sunday evening and typing is just about the only thing I have the energy for. The good news is that my physical exhaustion has nothing to do with cancer or treatment. In fact, I have not thought about cancer at all over the long weekend. 

We had the perfect Thanksgiving. The four of us got dressed and packed up our food, wine and pajamas, and headed over to Satchel's house to spend a wonderful Thanksgiving with her husband, their two kids, and her mother. The delicious aroma of the roasted turkey and trimmings filled the beautifully decorated home. The kids ran off to play as we opened up some wine, prepared dinner, and shared many laughs and some great conversation. Before we dined, the kids shared what they were thankful for and we said a kid-friendly grace. The adults raised their glasses and we all toasted to friends who are family. Nothing about the big "C" was mentioned that evening, although it is safe to assume that we were all quietly thinking about all that has happened over the last few months, and how fortunate we were that we were all together, and that I was feeling great. "Sometimes the most effective words of comfort are no words of all." It was so wonderful to share another holiday with them. Lord knows I have so much to be thankful for...and give thanks every day.

Friday, we dropped the kids off at the grandparents' house so they could kick off the holiday season with a parade, a tree lighting and a slumber party. My husband and I headed over to our newly renovated house to move in and unpack boxes, and try our best to organize the chaos!  As excited as we are for moving back home, we have vowed to not stress about it, and to not rush it. I want to take the time to unpack, clean, organize, and set up the house before we officially move back in. As much as I'm trying to not stress in life, living amongst boxes would no doubt stress me out! After three straight days of unpacking, the house is coming along but is far from done. My last chemo treatment is a week from Tuesday. It sure would be nice to come home from chemo to rest in my newly renovated house, all set up and cleaned and organized, complete with a decorated Christmas tree. That is the goal...the vision...the wish. I will certainly miss living with my mom. In fact, I think that is going to be a huge adjustment for me and the kids! But I know we will still see her a ton and talk to her daily. And I'm sure she's ready to have her neat little nest back and a reprieve from crack-of-dawn games of Candy Land.

I am completely physically exhausted from three days of unpacking and organizing (and walking up and down stairs!) but SO thankful for the energy I have. Aside from my bald head, I often times forget that I am a breast cancer patient. I forget that I am undergoing chemo. I continue to work on my total mind/body/spirit healing, and I find that I have changed dramatically. Situations that would normally stress me out don't. I have gained perspective that is beyond what words can explain. I am learning to not sweat the small stuff. I am appreciating every day, and all that comes with it...even the frustrating and exhausting moments. I think the intermittent break I've had from work has allowed me to heal without added stress. I do look forward to getting back to "normal." No cancer. No weekly doctor appointments. No chemo. No house decisions. No unpacking. I will be working this week and then will be off the rest of the month to recover from my last chemo and get my life back in order. Come the New Year, I will head back to work with renewed energy and renewed perspective. This year, "Happy New Year" will have a whole new meaning for me!

As I was unpacking and organizing, I came across so many old photos and notes and cards. My husband would lecture me from time to time, "More unpacking and less walks down memory lane, please." As I looked at old pictures from the last 25+ years of my life, I chuckled at the endless family snapshots, and smiled at the fact that I am still friends with those faces that I have grown up with over the years. Elementary school. Jr. High. High school. College (Go Hokies!). Work. Dewey Beach. Neighbors. The longevity of my friendships is astounding...I am so blessed. Building and maintaining friendships is a lot of work, but it is so rewarding. And as I look back on all of the amazing memories from all of these years, my heart swelled with love and peace. In good times and bad, my family and friends have been by my side. And in these times where I have needed them the most, they have been there without fail. Without hesitation. I had to laugh at how long and huge my hair has been over the years. And I just cracked up in disbelief that the biggest hair ball growing up over the years is now the one who is bald. The irony of it all. And it motivated me to get back in to shape. I can't wait to diet and hit the gym. Again...one New Year's resolution I can't wait to make and stick to. I loved revisiting the many pictures and letters from the last 17+ years since I met my husband. He has been my rock and I love him more and more with each passing minute. We have had so many good times and I know we have so many more to come. As the old song goes, "I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow." ;-)

Unpacking and organizing and walking down memory lane was so motivating. It is fun and rewarding to set up a home for my kids to grow up in. There is no way I am going to let cancer beat me or take me away from this life of mine. My husband. My kids. My family. My friends. Not a chance. 

I came across a beautiful book while organizing today. I'm not sure where it came from, and I don't think I've read it before, but I will certainly reference it very often now. It's called "Keeping God in the Small Stuff" and it's filled with so many lessons that I have learned and am learning every single day. For my inspiration on this Sunday evening, I thought I'd share a few of the thoughts from this book, quoted here.

• The way you deal with life each day depends on what you bring to life each day.
  
• Make moments of stillness, quiet, and solitude part of your daily routine.
  
• A true friend can multiply your joy and divide your sorrow.
  
• You will find more significance in the quality of work you accomplish than in the quantity of work you attempt.
  
• Sometimes you have to believe it before you can see it.
  
• What happens in you is more important than what happens to you.
  
• The best way to minimize a crisis is to compare it to your blessings.
  
• Learn to thrive on challenge and change.
  
• It may be hard to believe in God, but it is harder not to believe in Him.
  
• Beautiful music is achieved not because the entire orchestra plays the same instrument, but because the different instruments are playing the same tune in the same key.
• Once in a while, set a goal that absolutely terrifies you.
  
• People are attracted to enthusiasm.
  
• Even when you don't feel in control of your circumstances, you can be sure that God is.
  
• Priorities are like flowers; the are best when arranged properly. 
  
• Enjoy happiness; treasure joy.

Have a wonderful week! xoxo

Mile 20...

Thanksgiving Eve...is that really a term?! Shortly I will head to the grocery store and hopefully beat the crowds! My husband and I look forward to a day of cooking and preparing for the Thanksgiving feast that we plan to share with Satchel and her family tomorrow.

They say that the effects of chemo are cumulative, and towards the end patients feel really run down and awful. Strangely enough, that is not the case here. It's safe to say that I sailed through chemo #5 with flying colors. It was my "best" post chemo cycle yet. I strongly believe that the acupuncture really helped again. When she mentioned she was going to focus on my "worry points" and my "peace of mind" points, I was a little skeptical. There are really "points" for that!? Well I have to say that this round I have been in a great mood, and had no chemo funk or fog...nothin' but blue skies here! My side effects were manageable, and I did very well balancing rest and activity. Perhaps it's all psychological...mind over matter. Perhaps I am so excited about the fact that our house is almost done and focused on the fact that we will be moving home soon. Perhaps the end is in sight and seeing the finish line gives me a new found energy.

One of my dear friends recently ran a marathon. She has been so encouraging with her emails, texts, and phone calls. The other day she sent me an email and said, "Welcome to mile 20. It's when you get your clarity back and can actually see the finish." While I don't think I'll ever run a marathon, I "get it." I will not ponder it...I will just appreciate this energy. I will appreciate the fact that I'm kicking ass! My body may not be in the best shape right now, but I feel stronger than ever. And I'm proud of my body for being so resilient. I'm proud of my mind for staying strong and positive and focused. I've said it before and I'll say it again...I will do my part to be a good patient and persevere through these times, and leave the healing and the grand plan up to Him. So far, we make a great team!

As I shop today for the Thanksgiving fare, I will continue to remember that Thanksgiving is not about a meal. (Even though the food is delicious!) It seems that every day since I heard those words on July 2 has been a Thanksgiving. I am thankful every single day that I have another day here on Earth. Thankful for another day to hug my husband. Thankful for another day to watch my children grow. Thankful for another day to tell (and show) my family and friends how much I love them. Thankful for the strength to wake up each morning with a will to live. And thankful for all of the reasons that get me out of bed.

This has been such a journey for me. An amazing journey. And while there have been tears and fears, there have been so many moments of love, laughter, and happy memories. I have learned life lessons that have made me a better, stronger person. Like every day, I give thanks for all of the people in my life. And I thank God for guiding me along and healing me, body, mind, and spirit.

I wish you all a blessed Thanksgiving. Know how thankful I am for you!

xoxo

A Shout Out to Lola...

As the homemade french toast settles in the tummies of my wee ones, they are watching a show and I am feeling very rested this Saturday morning. Aside from a funky metallic taste in my mouth, an insatiable thirst, and a little fatigue, I'm doing great! So far this chemo cycle is standard issue. I feel so close to the finish line that the adrenaline must be kicking in, and I have a wonderful sense that the end is in sight. But this post is not about me...it's a shout out to one of my beloved Bosom Buddies, Lola...she's DONE!

Back in July when I shared my diagnosis with my friends, I was shocked and saddened to hear that a sister of one of my dear friends had been diagnosed with breast cancer within days of me. I have been friends with her family since elementary school and would give hugs to her sister, Lola, at events, but I did not know her. It's amazing what brings two people together. 

Connected by a sister/friend, and now the pink ribbon, we started talking back in the summer. Back when we had no idea what was in store...all we knew was that that we were in our thirties and had cancer, and we were both petrified and in shock. Our friendship was instant, having the familiarities of our past and our new connection. We both are blessed with many people in our lives who love us and care for us, but sometimes you need to talk with someone who is walking in the same shoes. Since July, we have spent endless hours talking, venting, laughing, crying, praying, sharing. Our phones have been our lifelines to each other! 

We were diagnosed within days of each other. And now we are finishing up within weeks of each other. I have said it before and I'll say it again, no two breast cancers are the same. Our journeys between diagnosis and completion have been so different, yet so life changing. We had surgery within days of each other, but had completely different surgeries. She was fortunate enough to not have to endure chemo, but has trekked to radiation five days a week for six weeks. I can not begin to imagine how mentally and physically exhausting that was!  But she did it, and I'm so proud of her. I can't wait to join her at the finish line in a couple weeks!

My friendship with Lola has been a silver lining for sure. I will never forget the love, support, friendship we have experienced together. And I look forward to many years of friendship and fun memories with her. But today, I am thinking about her and wishing her all the best as she starts a new cancer-free chapter of the long, happy life that awaits her. 

Thanks for everything, girl! I am so proud of you and love you dearly!!! I wish you nothing but radiant health and dreams come true from here!

xoxo

Chemo #5: Ready, Set, Chemo...

Getting dressed for chemo is becoming more and more ceremonial. I have received such special items from many loved ones, and as I got dressed for another day at Cancer World (CW), I thought of so many people. Each item is so special, and it made me feel so happy and so loved. My many good luck charms! Nothing like sparkling from head to toe during chemo! From jewelry to make up to a beautiful scarf and my snugly blanket...ready, set, chemo.

Satchel arrived right on time, and after huge, loving bear hug from my mom in the garden, off we went to CW. As we entered the chemo infusion room, we were greeted with smiles from our many new "friends" that we have met along the way who are on the same chemo schedule. One friend was having her last session, and was about to embark on the same surgery I had. I shared some lessons learned with her and wished her well. The delightful older couple that sat next to us again expressed the same excitement that his last chemo will be in three weeks, as well. And the Debbies, BFFs, sat next to us on the other side. She's another BC patient participating in the same clinical trial that I am, although she has the other cocktail. She's a trooper but having significantly different post-chemo side effects. I feel very fortunate. 

Satchel and I brought out the laptop. I took care of a few work items, and we proceeded to plan our Thanksgiving menu. This will be our fourth annual Thanksgiving dinner together with our two families. We are looking forward to setting a beautiful table, making delicious food, and sharing a blessed day filled with friends who are family and giving thanks for all that is around us. 

Despite a late start, I managed to sail through the infusion with out any side effects. We went to take a look at our house (that is nearing completion!) and grabbed a quick lunch before it was time for her to head home to get her kids from the bus stop and time for me to head to acupuncture. It was another great chemo day. I know this may sounds strange, but we really do have a great time together. What started out months ago as a scary unknown has turned in to lovely days filled with friendship, laughs, and memories. (And let's not forget, the shuffle tap step and crazy hats.)

I was delighted to see my acupuncturist. I missed acupuncture last time due to their office move, and I really felt the effects. I told her my symptoms were under control but mentioned the funk and fog I had last time. She focused on my "worry" points and my "peace of mind" points. As she played the music, she told me to go to my happy place. I found my mind drifting off to the Cayman Islands at sunset. My mom, my husband, me, and the kids...enjoying cocktails...watching beautiful sunsets...feeling the warm white sand between our toes...tossing rocks in to the drifting tide. Paradise. Perfect moments. Before I knew it, tears streamed down my face. "Why do you always make me cry?!" I teased her! As she wiped the tears from my eyes, I appreciated the release, and had warmth in my heart that they, once again, were tears of joy, and not tears of sorrow or fear. I left there feeling refreshed and radiantly healthy.

After a good night sleep, I woke up to the smiles of my kids, who had both diligently cleaned their rooms and gotten dressed without being asked to do so. They have really amazed me. After I dropped O off at the bus stop, I went to CW for my Neulesta booster shot, aka liquid gold, and ventured back home for a restful day. After some email, I took a much needed power nap, only to be awakened by the pitter patter of my little ones' feet, and the smile of my mom carrying a bag full of pine cones collected at the park. Time for crafts! I've said this before and I'll say it again and again...I'm not sure what on earth I'd do without my family. I am truly blessed.

Thank you all for checking in with me. I'm doing fine...resting...and looking forward to being DONE with chemo in 20 short days from today.

xoxo

Sweet dreams.

Love Faith Hope...

Number five...

It is the eve of chemo #5, and I'm feeling thankful and peaceful. A couple of stressful loose ends have been tied up, and suddenly a calm is over me that has been missing for a bit.

A few days ago, I was reading a blog of one of my fellow Bosom Buddies who had the same kind of surgery I did. (Bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction...it's hard to believe, write, or say sometimes. Even though the girls are lookin' GOOD!). She had mentioned that she still gives herself breast exams, even though there is no breast tissue there. So, what do I do? I start feeling the girls, and I felt something a little peculiar. So, Friday when I was at the doctor, I asked the NP to feel it, and she was not sure what it was, and suggested I see my surgeon. I was very upset, and the pit in my stomach from back in early July had returned. Isn't this why I had this surgery? To never have to feel anything foreign again? I wiped a tear, said a silent prayer, and got in the elevator to head out to my car. As I exited the elevator I ran in to my plastic surgeon. What are the odds? Talk about the right place at the right time. God is great!

"Hello!" I greeted her with a big hug. "I am going to see you Monday morning for an expansion, and I really need for you to feel this then." She said, "I don't want you to freak out all weekend...come to my office now and I'll sneak you in." Who does that?! See why I love my doctors? They are AMAZING. As she examined me, she was unsure what it was, and got me squeezed in for an ultrasound today, Monday. To avoid the stress of the unknown, my husband and I dove in to hard core cleaning at our house this weekend. It's amazing how therapeutic cleaning and dusting and playing house is! And time sure does fly by. We could not have been so productive without my mom or sister. Having family so close to help out is really a blessing. 

I had the ultrasound today and it's all clear...literally. For now anyway. Neither the tech nor the radiologist could find anything, even though we could feel it. So we'll chalk it up to scar tissue or something random for now. Thank God! We'll keep an eye on it, but for now, I'm breathing a sigh of relief. Perhaps I'm too good of a breast examiner. Perhaps it would be a good career for me. Professional breast examiner. Laugh if you will, it has saved my life! It was then off to get the kids and have some good quality play time with them. We had a very fun afternoon despite the rainy weather. 

This evening during bedtime prayers, I talked with the kids about my treatment tomorrow. I reminded them that I may be a little sleepy this week, and they both promised to be on their best behavior. They have handled the last four months so well...it's just amazing to me! As I've mentioned, on most days if you were to glance in the window at our home, most days it's very NORMAL...a little chaotic at times but certainly fun and always full of love. Pretty unbelievable since we are going through this medical nightmare and not living in our own home. Our family is closer than ever and I have a deeper love and appreciation for every moment with them. Even the frustrating ones that are bound to arise! 

One of my favorite things in life is checking on my kids after they have been all tucked in and are just reaching dream land. There is nothing like tucking in the fuzzy blanket and giving them a final kiss on the forehead, while whispering a quiet "I love you." Tonight, I checked on Cookie and she was almost down for the count. When I popped in to O's room, he said, "Oh hi, Mom! You are here at the perfect time." He was all smiles as he handed me the beautiful card he had been working diligently on quietly in his bed.  It was so touching that I had to post it.

The front of the card says, "I love my mom" and he had 

copied the words "Love Faith Hope" from the pink breast cancer brace let he has with him every minute of they day...either on his 

wrist or in his backpack. He gave me a bracelet with his name on it that he made at a birthday party. "Here's my bracelet, Mommy. Wear it and think of me." For sure I will do both.  The inside of the card has me and him holding hands, both thinking about how much we love each other. He is holding a happy face balloon and I am holding heart balloons. There is the blue sky, the sun, some birds, and some flowers. And yes, I'm bald. 

Someone close to me went through a very painful, tragic time in her life. She always said that her kids saved her life. You find little time to pull the covers over your head and discover a powerful love and an energy you never knew existed. Now, I know exactly what she meant. When I experience moments like this, I realize more and more that my children are such a part of my healing. They give me such strength to fight, laughter and love that heals, and tremendous faith that I will be around to watch them grow old. And when I see how they are handling this through their eyes...through their drawings...it fills me with pride. My husband and our families are such amazing influences on them, and we would not be in such a good place without their love, prayers, and support...and let's face it...help! Oh, and we also need to give a little credit to Candy Land, Sorry, Trouble, and the kitchen. It takes a village after all!!!

This year, for us, Thanksgiving is not a single day...it's a season for thanksgiving. I know Thanksgiving is still over a week away, but tonight I'm feeling so thankful. Thankful for life. Thankful for peace. Thankful for you. 

Look out CW...Satchel and I are comin'! I'm off to have some sweet dreams, and wish you the same.

xoxo