The Big Move...

I can't remember the last time I was off the computer for four days straight. It's Sunday evening and typing is just about the only thing I have the energy for. The good news is that my physical exhaustion has nothing to do with cancer or treatment. In fact, I have not thought about cancer at all over the long weekend. 

We had the perfect Thanksgiving. The four of us got dressed and packed up our food, wine and pajamas, and headed over to Satchel's house to spend a wonderful Thanksgiving with her husband, their two kids, and her mother. The delicious aroma of the roasted turkey and trimmings filled the beautifully decorated home. The kids ran off to play as we opened up some wine, prepared dinner, and shared many laughs and some great conversation. Before we dined, the kids shared what they were thankful for and we said a kid-friendly grace. The adults raised their glasses and we all toasted to friends who are family. Nothing about the big "C" was mentioned that evening, although it is safe to assume that we were all quietly thinking about all that has happened over the last few months, and how fortunate we were that we were all together, and that I was feeling great. "Sometimes the most effective words of comfort are no words of all." It was so wonderful to share another holiday with them. Lord knows I have so much to be thankful for...and give thanks every day.

Friday, we dropped the kids off at the grandparents' house so they could kick off the holiday season with a parade, a tree lighting and a slumber party. My husband and I headed over to our newly renovated house to move in and unpack boxes, and try our best to organize the chaos!  As excited as we are for moving back home, we have vowed to not stress about it, and to not rush it. I want to take the time to unpack, clean, organize, and set up the house before we officially move back in. As much as I'm trying to not stress in life, living amongst boxes would no doubt stress me out! After three straight days of unpacking, the house is coming along but is far from done. My last chemo treatment is a week from Tuesday. It sure would be nice to come home from chemo to rest in my newly renovated house, all set up and cleaned and organized, complete with a decorated Christmas tree. That is the goal...the vision...the wish. I will certainly miss living with my mom. In fact, I think that is going to be a huge adjustment for me and the kids! But I know we will still see her a ton and talk to her daily. And I'm sure she's ready to have her neat little nest back and a reprieve from crack-of-dawn games of Candy Land.

I am completely physically exhausted from three days of unpacking and organizing (and walking up and down stairs!) but SO thankful for the energy I have. Aside from my bald head, I often times forget that I am a breast cancer patient. I forget that I am undergoing chemo. I continue to work on my total mind/body/spirit healing, and I find that I have changed dramatically. Situations that would normally stress me out don't. I have gained perspective that is beyond what words can explain. I am learning to not sweat the small stuff. I am appreciating every day, and all that comes with it...even the frustrating and exhausting moments. I think the intermittent break I've had from work has allowed me to heal without added stress. I do look forward to getting back to "normal." No cancer. No weekly doctor appointments. No chemo. No house decisions. No unpacking. I will be working this week and then will be off the rest of the month to recover from my last chemo and get my life back in order. Come the New Year, I will head back to work with renewed energy and renewed perspective. This year, "Happy New Year" will have a whole new meaning for me!

As I was unpacking and organizing, I came across so many old photos and notes and cards. My husband would lecture me from time to time, "More unpacking and less walks down memory lane, please." As I looked at old pictures from the last 25+ years of my life, I chuckled at the endless family snapshots, and smiled at the fact that I am still friends with those faces that I have grown up with over the years. Elementary school. Jr. High. High school. College (Go Hokies!). Work. Dewey Beach. Neighbors. The longevity of my friendships is astounding...I am so blessed. Building and maintaining friendships is a lot of work, but it is so rewarding. And as I look back on all of the amazing memories from all of these years, my heart swelled with love and peace. In good times and bad, my family and friends have been by my side. And in these times where I have needed them the most, they have been there without fail. Without hesitation. I had to laugh at how long and huge my hair has been over the years. And I just cracked up in disbelief that the biggest hair ball growing up over the years is now the one who is bald. The irony of it all. And it motivated me to get back in to shape. I can't wait to diet and hit the gym. Again...one New Year's resolution I can't wait to make and stick to. I loved revisiting the many pictures and letters from the last 17+ years since I met my husband. He has been my rock and I love him more and more with each passing minute. We have had so many good times and I know we have so many more to come. As the old song goes, "I love you more today than yesterday, but not as much as tomorrow." ;-)

Unpacking and organizing and walking down memory lane was so motivating. It is fun and rewarding to set up a home for my kids to grow up in. There is no way I am going to let cancer beat me or take me away from this life of mine. My husband. My kids. My family. My friends. Not a chance. 

I came across a beautiful book while organizing today. I'm not sure where it came from, and I don't think I've read it before, but I will certainly reference it very often now. It's called "Keeping God in the Small Stuff" and it's filled with so many lessons that I have learned and am learning every single day. For my inspiration on this Sunday evening, I thought I'd share a few of the thoughts from this book, quoted here.

• The way you deal with life each day depends on what you bring to life each day.
  
• Make moments of stillness, quiet, and solitude part of your daily routine.
  
• A true friend can multiply your joy and divide your sorrow.
  
• You will find more significance in the quality of work you accomplish than in the quantity of work you attempt.
  
• Sometimes you have to believe it before you can see it.
  
• What happens in you is more important than what happens to you.
  
• The best way to minimize a crisis is to compare it to your blessings.
  
• Learn to thrive on challenge and change.
  
• It may be hard to believe in God, but it is harder not to believe in Him.
  
• Beautiful music is achieved not because the entire orchestra plays the same instrument, but because the different instruments are playing the same tune in the same key.
• Once in a while, set a goal that absolutely terrifies you.
  
• People are attracted to enthusiasm.
  
• Even when you don't feel in control of your circumstances, you can be sure that God is.
  
• Priorities are like flowers; the are best when arranged properly. 
  
• Enjoy happiness; treasure joy.

Have a wonderful week! xoxo

Mile 20...

Thanksgiving Eve...is that really a term?! Shortly I will head to the grocery store and hopefully beat the crowds! My husband and I look forward to a day of cooking and preparing for the Thanksgiving feast that we plan to share with Satchel and her family tomorrow.

They say that the effects of chemo are cumulative, and towards the end patients feel really run down and awful. Strangely enough, that is not the case here. It's safe to say that I sailed through chemo #5 with flying colors. It was my "best" post chemo cycle yet. I strongly believe that the acupuncture really helped again. When she mentioned she was going to focus on my "worry points" and my "peace of mind" points, I was a little skeptical. There are really "points" for that!? Well I have to say that this round I have been in a great mood, and had no chemo funk or fog...nothin' but blue skies here! My side effects were manageable, and I did very well balancing rest and activity. Perhaps it's all psychological...mind over matter. Perhaps I am so excited about the fact that our house is almost done and focused on the fact that we will be moving home soon. Perhaps the end is in sight and seeing the finish line gives me a new found energy.

One of my dear friends recently ran a marathon. She has been so encouraging with her emails, texts, and phone calls. The other day she sent me an email and said, "Welcome to mile 20. It's when you get your clarity back and can actually see the finish." While I don't think I'll ever run a marathon, I "get it." I will not ponder it...I will just appreciate this energy. I will appreciate the fact that I'm kicking ass! My body may not be in the best shape right now, but I feel stronger than ever. And I'm proud of my body for being so resilient. I'm proud of my mind for staying strong and positive and focused. I've said it before and I'll say it again...I will do my part to be a good patient and persevere through these times, and leave the healing and the grand plan up to Him. So far, we make a great team!

As I shop today for the Thanksgiving fare, I will continue to remember that Thanksgiving is not about a meal. (Even though the food is delicious!) It seems that every day since I heard those words on July 2 has been a Thanksgiving. I am thankful every single day that I have another day here on Earth. Thankful for another day to hug my husband. Thankful for another day to watch my children grow. Thankful for another day to tell (and show) my family and friends how much I love them. Thankful for the strength to wake up each morning with a will to live. And thankful for all of the reasons that get me out of bed.

This has been such a journey for me. An amazing journey. And while there have been tears and fears, there have been so many moments of love, laughter, and happy memories. I have learned life lessons that have made me a better, stronger person. Like every day, I give thanks for all of the people in my life. And I thank God for guiding me along and healing me, body, mind, and spirit.

I wish you all a blessed Thanksgiving. Know how thankful I am for you!

xoxo

A Shout Out to Lola...

As the homemade french toast settles in the tummies of my wee ones, they are watching a show and I am feeling very rested this Saturday morning. Aside from a funky metallic taste in my mouth, an insatiable thirst, and a little fatigue, I'm doing great! So far this chemo cycle is standard issue. I feel so close to the finish line that the adrenaline must be kicking in, and I have a wonderful sense that the end is in sight. But this post is not about me...it's a shout out to one of my beloved Bosom Buddies, Lola...she's DONE!

Back in July when I shared my diagnosis with my friends, I was shocked and saddened to hear that a sister of one of my dear friends had been diagnosed with breast cancer within days of me. I have been friends with her family since elementary school and would give hugs to her sister, Lola, at events, but I did not know her. It's amazing what brings two people together. 

Connected by a sister/friend, and now the pink ribbon, we started talking back in the summer. Back when we had no idea what was in store...all we knew was that that we were in our thirties and had cancer, and we were both petrified and in shock. Our friendship was instant, having the familiarities of our past and our new connection. We both are blessed with many people in our lives who love us and care for us, but sometimes you need to talk with someone who is walking in the same shoes. Since July, we have spent endless hours talking, venting, laughing, crying, praying, sharing. Our phones have been our lifelines to each other! 

We were diagnosed within days of each other. And now we are finishing up within weeks of each other. I have said it before and I'll say it again, no two breast cancers are the same. Our journeys between diagnosis and completion have been so different, yet so life changing. We had surgery within days of each other, but had completely different surgeries. She was fortunate enough to not have to endure chemo, but has trekked to radiation five days a week for six weeks. I can not begin to imagine how mentally and physically exhausting that was!  But she did it, and I'm so proud of her. I can't wait to join her at the finish line in a couple weeks!

My friendship with Lola has been a silver lining for sure. I will never forget the love, support, friendship we have experienced together. And I look forward to many years of friendship and fun memories with her. But today, I am thinking about her and wishing her all the best as she starts a new cancer-free chapter of the long, happy life that awaits her. 

Thanks for everything, girl! I am so proud of you and love you dearly!!! I wish you nothing but radiant health and dreams come true from here!

xoxo

Chemo #5: Ready, Set, Chemo...

Getting dressed for chemo is becoming more and more ceremonial. I have received such special items from many loved ones, and as I got dressed for another day at Cancer World (CW), I thought of so many people. Each item is so special, and it made me feel so happy and so loved. My many good luck charms! Nothing like sparkling from head to toe during chemo! From jewelry to make up to a beautiful scarf and my snugly blanket...ready, set, chemo.

Satchel arrived right on time, and after huge, loving bear hug from my mom in the garden, off we went to CW. As we entered the chemo infusion room, we were greeted with smiles from our many new "friends" that we have met along the way who are on the same chemo schedule. One friend was having her last session, and was about to embark on the same surgery I had. I shared some lessons learned with her and wished her well. The delightful older couple that sat next to us again expressed the same excitement that his last chemo will be in three weeks, as well. And the Debbies, BFFs, sat next to us on the other side. She's another BC patient participating in the same clinical trial that I am, although she has the other cocktail. She's a trooper but having significantly different post-chemo side effects. I feel very fortunate. 

Satchel and I brought out the laptop. I took care of a few work items, and we proceeded to plan our Thanksgiving menu. This will be our fourth annual Thanksgiving dinner together with our two families. We are looking forward to setting a beautiful table, making delicious food, and sharing a blessed day filled with friends who are family and giving thanks for all that is around us. 

Despite a late start, I managed to sail through the infusion with out any side effects. We went to take a look at our house (that is nearing completion!) and grabbed a quick lunch before it was time for her to head home to get her kids from the bus stop and time for me to head to acupuncture. It was another great chemo day. I know this may sounds strange, but we really do have a great time together. What started out months ago as a scary unknown has turned in to lovely days filled with friendship, laughs, and memories. (And let's not forget, the shuffle tap step and crazy hats.)

I was delighted to see my acupuncturist. I missed acupuncture last time due to their office move, and I really felt the effects. I told her my symptoms were under control but mentioned the funk and fog I had last time. She focused on my "worry" points and my "peace of mind" points. As she played the music, she told me to go to my happy place. I found my mind drifting off to the Cayman Islands at sunset. My mom, my husband, me, and the kids...enjoying cocktails...watching beautiful sunsets...feeling the warm white sand between our toes...tossing rocks in to the drifting tide. Paradise. Perfect moments. Before I knew it, tears streamed down my face. "Why do you always make me cry?!" I teased her! As she wiped the tears from my eyes, I appreciated the release, and had warmth in my heart that they, once again, were tears of joy, and not tears of sorrow or fear. I left there feeling refreshed and radiantly healthy.

After a good night sleep, I woke up to the smiles of my kids, who had both diligently cleaned their rooms and gotten dressed without being asked to do so. They have really amazed me. After I dropped O off at the bus stop, I went to CW for my Neulesta booster shot, aka liquid gold, and ventured back home for a restful day. After some email, I took a much needed power nap, only to be awakened by the pitter patter of my little ones' feet, and the smile of my mom carrying a bag full of pine cones collected at the park. Time for crafts! I've said this before and I'll say it again and again...I'm not sure what on earth I'd do without my family. I am truly blessed.

Thank you all for checking in with me. I'm doing fine...resting...and looking forward to being DONE with chemo in 20 short days from today.

xoxo

Sweet dreams.

Love Faith Hope...

Number five...

It is the eve of chemo #5, and I'm feeling thankful and peaceful. A couple of stressful loose ends have been tied up, and suddenly a calm is over me that has been missing for a bit.

A few days ago, I was reading a blog of one of my fellow Bosom Buddies who had the same kind of surgery I did. (Bilateral mastectomy with immediate reconstruction...it's hard to believe, write, or say sometimes. Even though the girls are lookin' GOOD!). She had mentioned that she still gives herself breast exams, even though there is no breast tissue there. So, what do I do? I start feeling the girls, and I felt something a little peculiar. So, Friday when I was at the doctor, I asked the NP to feel it, and she was not sure what it was, and suggested I see my surgeon. I was very upset, and the pit in my stomach from back in early July had returned. Isn't this why I had this surgery? To never have to feel anything foreign again? I wiped a tear, said a silent prayer, and got in the elevator to head out to my car. As I exited the elevator I ran in to my plastic surgeon. What are the odds? Talk about the right place at the right time. God is great!

"Hello!" I greeted her with a big hug. "I am going to see you Monday morning for an expansion, and I really need for you to feel this then." She said, "I don't want you to freak out all weekend...come to my office now and I'll sneak you in." Who does that?! See why I love my doctors? They are AMAZING. As she examined me, she was unsure what it was, and got me squeezed in for an ultrasound today, Monday. To avoid the stress of the unknown, my husband and I dove in to hard core cleaning at our house this weekend. It's amazing how therapeutic cleaning and dusting and playing house is! And time sure does fly by. We could not have been so productive without my mom or sister. Having family so close to help out is really a blessing. 

I had the ultrasound today and it's all clear...literally. For now anyway. Neither the tech nor the radiologist could find anything, even though we could feel it. So we'll chalk it up to scar tissue or something random for now. Thank God! We'll keep an eye on it, but for now, I'm breathing a sigh of relief. Perhaps I'm too good of a breast examiner. Perhaps it would be a good career for me. Professional breast examiner. Laugh if you will, it has saved my life! It was then off to get the kids and have some good quality play time with them. We had a very fun afternoon despite the rainy weather. 

This evening during bedtime prayers, I talked with the kids about my treatment tomorrow. I reminded them that I may be a little sleepy this week, and they both promised to be on their best behavior. They have handled the last four months so well...it's just amazing to me! As I've mentioned, on most days if you were to glance in the window at our home, most days it's very NORMAL...a little chaotic at times but certainly fun and always full of love. Pretty unbelievable since we are going through this medical nightmare and not living in our own home. Our family is closer than ever and I have a deeper love and appreciation for every moment with them. Even the frustrating ones that are bound to arise! 

One of my favorite things in life is checking on my kids after they have been all tucked in and are just reaching dream land. There is nothing like tucking in the fuzzy blanket and giving them a final kiss on the forehead, while whispering a quiet "I love you." Tonight, I checked on Cookie and she was almost down for the count. When I popped in to O's room, he said, "Oh hi, Mom! You are here at the perfect time." He was all smiles as he handed me the beautiful card he had been working diligently on quietly in his bed.  It was so touching that I had to post it.

The front of the card says, "I love my mom" and he had 

copied the words "Love Faith Hope" from the pink breast cancer brace let he has with him every minute of they day...either on his 

wrist or in his backpack. He gave me a bracelet with his name on it that he made at a birthday party. "Here's my bracelet, Mommy. Wear it and think of me." For sure I will do both.  The inside of the card has me and him holding hands, both thinking about how much we love each other. He is holding a happy face balloon and I am holding heart balloons. There is the blue sky, the sun, some birds, and some flowers. And yes, I'm bald. 

Someone close to me went through a very painful, tragic time in her life. She always said that her kids saved her life. You find little time to pull the covers over your head and discover a powerful love and an energy you never knew existed. Now, I know exactly what she meant. When I experience moments like this, I realize more and more that my children are such a part of my healing. They give me such strength to fight, laughter and love that heals, and tremendous faith that I will be around to watch them grow old. And when I see how they are handling this through their eyes...through their drawings...it fills me with pride. My husband and our families are such amazing influences on them, and we would not be in such a good place without their love, prayers, and support...and let's face it...help! Oh, and we also need to give a little credit to Candy Land, Sorry, Trouble, and the kitchen. It takes a village after all!!!

This year, for us, Thanksgiving is not a single day...it's a season for thanksgiving. I know Thanksgiving is still over a week away, but tonight I'm feeling so thankful. Thankful for life. Thankful for peace. Thankful for you. 

Look out CW...Satchel and I are comin'! I'm off to have some sweet dreams, and wish you the same.

xoxo

Some Kind of Normal...

It's hard to believe another Friday evening is upon us. I enjoyed a week of "normal." A week filled with work, kids, family, house, and friends. On Sunday, we had a wonderful family dinner to celebrate a visit from my aunt and uncle from Texas. Back in July when I was first diagnosed, I found my fingers dialing their phone number. As my uncle answered the phone I started to weep, and was unable to talk. When I finally caught my breath I told him of my diagnosis, and ever since that moment he and my aunt have been with me (and my family) every step of the way on this journey. He even shaved his full head of hair down to a short buzz cut so I would not have to be bald alone. It was wonderful to give them hugs, catch up, and rub his fuzzy head. His hair is so soft and he looks fantastic! I'll be surprised if he grows his hair out once all of this is done. Their love, support, and prayers have been amazing and sustaining.

Monday I spent the full day in the office, which was refreshing but exhausting. The rest of the week I worked from home, which is a perk that I am most appreciative of. It was a fun week with my kids, who continue to fill my life with joy. I was refreshed with my monthly detox facial, which is so relaxing and such a treat. I had a ladies night with my dear friends, which was a great opportunity to catch up and laugh. And I splurged on some beautiful hand made jewlery at a jewelry party. I figured when I have a super short hair cut some pretty baubles will come in handy! 

The funny moments of my week included two random strangers on two different occasions complimenting me on my "hair." They both stopped me in passing and said, "You have such beautiful hair." All I could say was "Thank you" and smile politely as I went on my way. 

I continue to appreciate normal moments, even though deep down I know that life is really anything but normal. I look forward to next Tuesday, where I will be one treatment closer to being "done" with chemo. And of course I look forward to a day with Satchel. She is such a trooper to schlep to chemo with me treatment after treatment. And I'm one day closer to being back in my house, which is nearing completion. I will miss living with my mom terribly, but my car is set to auto-pilot to her house, and I know she is just a phone call or a 10 minute drive away!

I am trying hard to keep the faith and do my part to rid cancer from my body and my life forever. I can't wait for my fresh start, but in the meantime, I will continue to appreciate every single moment of every single day. It is a test for sure...but one I hopefully will pass with flying colors. This is all in the hands of God, and I just have to trust in the plan. It is hard not to be paranoid, but if I have faith and trust in Him, there is no reason for me to worry, right?!

My husband just walked in the door and brought me the most beautiful roses. They are a beautiful deep red on the inside with the softest petal pink outside. I think it's fitting for me to call them Scarlett Roses. With that, it's time for me to sign off and savor a quiet Friday night with my beloved husband. My rock. The love of my life. I am one lucky lady and am reminded every day that I have so much to be thankful for. So much to fight for. And most importantly, so much to live for.

Enjoy your weekend. Give big hugs. And tell someone how much you love them.

Play Dates...

As I sit here inside, I glance out the window and see the beautiful wooded yard filled with gorgeous colors of the autumn leaves--orange, gold, red--the peak of Fall. Yet as you walk outside, there is no crisp Fall air. Rather, a balmy, warm day that seems more Spring-like than a day in November in DC. What a difference a day makes...

Earlier in the week I was well aware of my funk...my fog. I found it so frustrating because I was very aware of the situation yet felt helpless in the fact that I could not snap out of it. For someone who is usually upbeat and energetic, I felt as a loss. Helpless. Yesterday, I gave myself a pep talk. "Get off the couch, lace up your shoes, and get some exercise. Some fresh air will do you some good." Wow...that was great advice! 

As I walked briskly on my usual route, once again my iPhone was shuffling a wide assortment of music. Next thing I knew, Punjabi rap/dance songs from a (Indian) music mix my friend Sid made me filled my head. Suddenly a huge smile emerged, and I found a spring in my step. It brought back fun memories of all of the pre-wedding festivities for C and Sid from earlier in the year. I found myself listening to music, power walking, and texting C and Sid. Multi-tasking at its finest! But it made me smile, and suddenly in an instant, I was back to me. After a week and a half, the fog had lifted and the funk was gone. Welcome back!

This morning I woke up feeling refreshed. Cookie and I had a play date planned with my friend, Dean, which I was SO looking forward to. I am very lucky that many of my close friends have children around the same age as mine, so when the schedule permits, play dates allow the kids get to play and the moms to catch up. What a win-win! We had only planned to visit for two hours, but before we knew it, nearly four hours had passed. Cookie had a ball, as did I. It was so great to catch up with my girlfriend and to see Cookie have such a great time as well. What a happy morning! It was just what I needed. 

We left and picked up Owen from school and headed over to Mimi's house. The kids have really been wanting to have a slumber party over there. What a perfect opportunity to let them have some fun with their grandparents, and for my husband and me to go out on a much needed date! We are so fortunate to have two sets of grandparents who live locally. And to see the close relationship that our children have with their grandparents is such a blessing. Tonight my husband and I are meeting two couples out for dinner (including C and Sid!). We are so looking forward to a night of fun. I can't wait to put on some make up, sassy up the wig, and feel like me. No medical funks. No cancer talk. No house talk. No decisions. Just a fun evening out with some good friends. An adult play date! I will splurge on a well-deserved glass of wine for sure. 

I can't begin to explain how elated I am to feel like myself again. I have a little over a week of upswing before my next round of chemo, and I plan to appreciate every minute of it. I am realizing more and more that the loved ones in my life bring such joy and energy to me. While quiet time is good to heal to some extent, I find that surrounding myself around people is fuel for me -- an energy source. A couple of weeks ago I got some excellent advice from my Bosom Buddy, L. "Slow down just enough, but not too much. Keeping busy and upbeat and distracted are all good medicine." Amen to that.

Words cannot express the thanks and gratitude I have to all of my family and friends who have been there for me over these last few months. You know who you are! In fact, you are probably reading this right now and smiling. From LOL text messages, sweet cards, IMs, and check-in emails to phone calls and play dates (both with kids and without!) your love and support has given me the fuel I need to carry me along this journey. And I will be forever grateful. 

This is the day which the Lord has made; Let us rejoice and be glad in it. (Psalm 118:24)

May the sun shine on you this weekend! 

xoxo

Babble...

American Cancer Society. 

Life With Cancer.

Charities? Yes. My reality? OMG! My reality!

From time to time I would get an impulse to get a new hair style...well back when I had hair. I made a sizable investment in my wigs, and have been leveraging that investment as I get ready for my daily outings. They give me a sense of "normal" -- even though lately I have such an insatiable itch to style my hair. "Perhaps I should try out short hair." I often ponder.  After all, before my hair gets long, I will no doubt have many short hair cuts. The only downfall, is that wigs don't grow back when you cut them! So before I make any drastic snips on my pricey wigs, I want to see how I'd like a shorter hair style. But, I do not want to buy any more wigs.

I learned along the way that the American Cancer Society has a program where they provide free wigs to women undergoing chemo. I made an appointment to visit the "wig room" -- figured it was worth a visit to check it out.

As I approached the building, the butterflies in my stomach erupted as my eyes stared at the American Cancer Society logo etched on the glass door. As the receptionist welcomed me and handed me a form to complete, I felt like I had a sign on my head that read "I have cancer. I am bald and I am here for a free wig." 

I was greeted by a very nice woman who walked me back to the "wig room." I had a terrible feeling of deja vu, flashing back to a few months ago when Satchel accompanied my mom and me to the first visit at wig boutique. As I sat in the chair, I could not bring myself to look in the mirror. "What nice hair you have" she said to me as my eyes stared at the floor. "This is a wig." I politely corrected her as I took it off and revealed my bald head. My heart started racing as she placed the black cap on my head. I looked around the small room, and was cringing as I looked at all of the "old lady" wigs that surrounded me. This was a mistake. Was it worth all of this for a free wig? For a look see? Deep breath. As I tried on several wigs that looked atrocious, I could only look at the reflection in the hand mirror, for looking at the full wall mirror was just too difficult. Suddenly I had a new appreciation for my wigs. They were my new security. I felt so exposed as I tried on short haired wigs. And all I could think about was one day, I will be thrilled to have hair this long. Yet the reflection that stared back at me made my heart sink. I know it seems trivial to talk about looks when you are talking about something as serious as cancer. But I suppose your heart and mind can easily focus on the visual and surface issues like vanity while the scary reality of cancer stays locked deep inside the depths of your soul. 

Within minutes, I found a chin-length, stacked bob...dark brown with a few highlights. "This is kind of fun." I suggested, and before I knew it, my long hair wig was placed in an American Cancer Society bag. As I left the building with my new doo, the receptionist commented on how much she liked the new look. 

As I drove away, I caught glimpses of the new look in the rear view mirror. One minute I thought I aged 15 years...and the next I thought, "This could be fun." I must say that the quality pales in comparison to the ones I purchased. I have a new appreciation for wig quality, and details like hand tied scalps. But I also feel very fortunate, blessed, and humbled that I have these wig options. I think about the many women who are battling cancer and hair loss due to chemo who do not have the means to buy wigs. And they don't have the luxury of going to fancy wig boutiques and having various styles to choose from. I was starting to feel guilty ... like perhaps I took a wig away from someone in need. I will donate it when this is all done.

I thought I would take it for a test drive, so I wore it to Cookie's preschool. The teachers loved it, but Cookie took one look at it and her lip started to tremble as she hugged me tightly. As we drove away, she started crying and pleaded, "Take that curly hair off, Mommy! I want to see your beautiful bald hair Mommy! I don't like your hair cut, Mommy! Take that off!!!" It is amazing to me that she would rather see me bald than with this unfamiliar wig! Even though the wig is brand new, I washed it and will see how it looks tomorrow. My husband was not a fan, but then again he's used to my long hair. And again, it's just hair. Well, kind of.

I don't think you can truly understand any of this until you have been through it first hand. Until you have heard those words that change your life. Until you have sat in a chair for hours while chemo enters your veins. Until you have experienced the chemo fog. Until you have shaved your head. I have met some incredible women through this journey. My Bosom Buddies have sustained my sanity, and have enabled me to express feelings that nobody else can even fathom. My BB, L, is out of town, so we will miss our Wednesday-after-chemo lunch. 

Right before chemo last week, I met another BB for lunch. Soon after I had been diagnosed, my friend had sent me a link to a blog, and I stayed up until 4 am reading every single word. She was a gorgeous woman in her mid-twenties who was climbing the corporate ladder, getting her Masters degree, and having the time of her life until she was blind sided by a breast cancer diagnosis. I felt such comfort in her words, and so inspired by her strength that I emailed her that one night after reading her words. Our friendship blossomed over email and through snail mail care packages, and after months of corresponding, we decided to meet in person.

It was a Sunday afternoon, and long after our meals were finished, several hours had passed. There was never an uncomfortable moment...not one awkward silence. We talked about the most personal topics of conversation, and I shared things with her that have been off limits to most. It is amazing that someone who is a stranger can be your biggest confidant.  She is beyond her years and has offered me such strength, inspiration, and hope. I know I will stay in touch with her, and no doubt, we will compare our new "girls" come the Spring, and some day we will complain to each other how long our hair is, and how we must get it trimmed. Until then, she is rockin' the pixie, and looks absolutely stunning. Her life after cancer is filled with fun and happiness. We both are cherishing each moment that comes our way with a new appreciation. 

Today marks a week after chemo #4. I am still waiting for the spring in my step and my post-chemo energy burst. I find myself still in a bit of a quiet, funky fog. I find comfort in the known...and while I can't control how I feel, at least it's not a surprise anymore. My mom and husband have kept me in check and watched over me, and my kids have had an extraordinary intuition, and have offered many extra snuggles, hugs, pictures, notes, and over all love. The quality family time and memories the five of us have created over the last few months have been priceless. Laughter is excellent medicine for sure!

Tomorrow is a new day. I'm going to try my best to get some exercise and see what kind of endorphins and adrenaline I can conjure up. Time to take control. Enough of the funk. Fog be lifted. 34 Days and counting until my last chemo treatment. I can do this.

I met a young woman during my blood draw today at CW. She is only 27, and they are trying to figure out what is wrong with her. Perhaps Leukemia/Lymphoma. Perhaps breast cancer. Perhaps nothing but some funky blood work and benign lumps. She is in my prayers tonight. I pray that soon they finds answers, and that the answer is not cancer. I pray that she finds peace in whatever comes her way. I pray that she is not another twenty-something with life changing news. I'm feeling positive vibes on this one.

Mostly Treats, Few Tricks...

Halloween. Costumes. Parties. Candy. Pictures. Friends. Tricks. Treats.

When I was little, I loved to dress up and go trick or treating...sorting and trading candy when the night was done. To be honest, as an adult I have not been much in to costumes or dressing up, but I have loved every minute of sharing Halloween with my kids.

This year, at age 6 and 3, they picked out their costumes. O picked out his Darth Vader costume two months ago, and has dressed up nearly daily since then. (See Sweet Moments entry.) At first I was a little disappointed that my little girl wanted to be a football player instead of a butterfly or princess, but when it comes down to it, the most important thing is that they have fun and are happy. She was an adorable Trojan football player, and enjoyed every minute in her football jersey. In fact, she is still wearing it! (Daddy was all smiles! Fight On!) 

With it being a "chemo week" for me, I was trying to reserve energy to ensure I could participate in the festivities. Fortunately I was able to make it to Cookie's preschool parade, as well as O's parade and party at Kindergarten. It was a long morning, so Cookie and I came home for a nice nap to rest up before the evening activities. 

You could not have asked for better Halloween weather. It was clear and brisk--just perfect. It was a lot of fun getting the kids ready for trick or treating. It brought back such fun memories from my childhood. And I quietly gave thanks that I was able to share in these moments with my kids. All of the neighborhood kids looked adorable, and everyone was having fun. It was fun to snap away with the camera.

About half way through trick or treating, I was feeling a little funky...and it was not due to Halloween candy. I had to rest. As my husband continued on with the kids, I ventured back to my neighbor's house, where they gathered around the fire pit outside. A large glass of ice water and a chair was just what I needed to collect myself. I was very careful not to get too close to the firepit with my wig! After a few hours in the hood, we were all exhausted, and headed home to crash. A good time was had by all.

It seems like every day I'm dressing up as myself. I will forever look at wigs in a whole new light. Before the big "C", wearing a wig was a fun adventure. But when it becomes your day-to-day reality, it loses some of its excitement needless to say. I just look forward to the day where I don't have to play dress up every day.  

Today is the start of a new month. I ripped off the October page from our large family calendar this morning. "Another month down." I said to my mom. "Can you believe it?" It feels good to look at all of the dates crossed off the calendar and see how much we've accomplished.

I'm off to rest. I'm a little achy today -- either I overdid it yesterday, or my bone marrow is busy making WBC! Perhaps a combination! Today seems like the perfect day to enjoy some good family time and some good rest. I hope you all are having a great weekend!