After my diagnosis, I felt like I was in the midst of a great hurricane. I gathered closely with those I love and found a safe haven to bunker down and weather the great storm. And by the grace of God, we all survived. In the New Year, there were days where I felt like I was amidst the rubble, and had a huge task of putting my life back together. I found myself craving normal, but was well aware that normal no longer existed, and was tasked with finding the new normal.
There have been days filled with blue skies and sunshine, and then, at the drop of a hat, the grey skies roll in and thunder and lightening loom. The emotional roller coaster can be incredibly draining, especially since it is tough to control. And that is especially difficult for a typically happy-go-lucky control freak! I found myself drawn to my Bosom Buddies, and finding comfort in their honesty and empathy. And I found comfort in hearing from my oncologist that many women face these challenges once treatment is over.
There are times in your life where you need to hear what you WANT to hear, and times where you want to hear what you NEED to hear. The latter is where I have been. I don't need sugar coated comments like, "You look great." Rather, I need honesty like, "You need new wigs" or challenging encouragement with nutrition and exercise. I have been finding closure and mending fences, and that is very freeing. I found myself in moods beyond my control, and not being particularly pleasant to be around, especially to those closest to me. I was having my own little pity party, and quite frankly, was not enjoying it. That is just not ME! When I apologized to my husband for my bad moods, he gently asked, "Are you sure you aren't getting your period?" (That goes away for most women during chemo, and may or may not come back.) Well, sure enough, the next day he proved to be right!
As miserable as the visit from the monthly menace was, it was wonderful to feel my body get back to normal. And suddenly, my moods swings stopped and I felt more normal than I had in ages. Welcome back, me!
My hair is growing back...still thick, still straight, still brown. I continue to wig out when I go out in public and to the office, just because I'm not ready to rock the micro pixie. However, I have been au natural at the gym, and that is freeing. I have been doing what I can to prepare for the Avon 2-Day Walk for Breast Cancer. My small team of my BFFs have raised an amazing amount of money for this cause, thanks to all of our amazing family and friends who have been so generous, and supportive to me and the cause, and that is so motivating to hit the gym. My plan is to leave Scarlett at the finish line.
Last week, I rubbed my eyes, only to find the last of my long eyelashes on my finger. It's strange that your eyelashes fall out after treatment. It did not bother me too much, because the three Bosom Buddies that I have seen recently have the most amazing eyelashes. Their eyelashes fell out as well, and came in longer, stronger and thicker after chemo. Now, mine are growing in, and it's kind of freaky to see little eyelash stubs growing in. Fascinating. You better believe I'll treat myself to a new tube of mascara once I am actually able to use it again! :-)
The other day, I looked in the mirror, and noticed that my barely-there, Shogun-esque eyebrows were actually looking thick and bushy. So today, I did something that I have not done since the day before chemo started nearly 7 months ago. An eyebrow wax. WOO HOO!!! Let me tell you how fun that was! I now have thick, perfectly shaped eyebrows. One step at a time I'm coming back to the new me from the inside out. Maybe someday soon I'll start looking in the mirror again.
So, long story short, the sun is shining again. I'm feeling better each day. My kids are amazing, my husband is my soul mate, my mom is my rock, and my family and friends continue to love me and challenge me each day. My body is springing back slowly but surely, and I'm learning to be gentle to myself. I choose to live life partly sunny versus partly cloudy. Glass half full versus glass half empty. Every day is an opportunity to make a difference. Or hug someone. Or tell someone how much you love them. Even on rough days, I continue to give thanks, and say out loud, "Today may be a challenge, but I'm alive, and that makes today a Great Day." I vow to never lose that perspective. And I will rejoice and be glad in it.
Life is short...live well...love deeply...give thanks...enjoy...
xoxo
No comments:
Post a Comment